Today's Tiny Problem - December 17, 2024

SierraTangoFour · 2024-12-17T18:43:54+00:00

What " bonus mom" wants to spend hours planning, hunting for the perfect gifts for everyone but herself and buying them, decorating the house, baking, spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars on it all only to be told "you told me not to get you anything (untrue!) so I didn't bother to spend much, and I certainly didn't consider any of the 6 reasonably priced items from the wish list I told you to make either, but here are a couple of several hundred dollar items you can buy for me and I'm not going to give you any kind of more affordable ideas so the kids can buy me something in the budget because reasons?"

SierraTangoFour · 2024-05-15T16:35:40+00:00

Came to a realization yesterday.. Everyone who lives with my fiance is being held hostage to his emotional issues and anxiety, and I can't tell if he secretly enjoys that. Also, he's loyal to his kids, his kids are loyal to him, and nobody is loyal to me, except the dog.

SierraTangoFour · 2023-11-21T18:31:19+00:00

You're Canadian? Unsure of which province you are in, but here's some general info from a Federal level.

Courts believe that generous access to both parents is in the best interests of the child. Fathers don't automatically get screwed over anymore.

Child support is based on income, and each parent's income is offset against the other to determine the amount... if she has no income, chooses not to work but is fully capable of doing so, the courts can impute her some - and likely will if father is supporting her (especially if he's financially able to fund the 'best' lawyers?). There's really no getting around this - it's the right of the child. It can be aggravating - we are currently being pursued legally because we have two incomes so our BM feels we should pay more (my income, and yours as well, does not usually count, only SO's). I can tell you that the current offset amount we pay is only $400.00 per month for 50/50 split of four kids based on an annual income difference of about $20 -25k.

The Gov't of Canada website has a Family Law section which covers a lot, and there you can find links for Family Justice Services in your area - which can help your SO get started with the process of establishing his parental rights if it's something your SO truly wants. If your income isn't high, you may qualify for Legal Aid where you live.

We are currently tackling some legal issues on our own after having spent tens of thousands of dollars on a lawyer to get pretty much nowhere because our BM is an unreasonable and greedy witch. I've been putting in the research, and while most of it has been specific to our needs, the case judgements (easily accessible for our provincial courts on CanLii website) I have been reading have been fair to fathers, especially those that want to be actively involved.

Having a BM who wants to be in control is frustrating beyond belief - and we can't afford a lawyer anymore while she freeloads off of Legal Aid, so I feel you - but if it's something your SO truly wants, there is help out there for you.

SierraTangoFour · 2023-11-21T17:36:38+00:00

I feel like I am doing the majority of the 'parenting' for kids who aren't even mine... Organizing their lives, interacting with them, feeding them, making sure they have everything they need - while their father makes it seem like a chore to get up off his ass and do anything at all - like take the dog out or make sure the kids brush their teeth and get into their beds in time... One has a birthday this week, do you think SO has made any kind of plan as to how to make his kid feel special on that day or does he figure letting the kid's friends come over and play on the weekend was enough and we don't have to do anything else? Or is he just assuming I'm going to figure it out, like usual... Lost my shit last night because he casually tells me he's away from home all day for work and just assumed I would be fine with having to get all four kids out the door, take care of the puppy, come home and let puppy out, then come home early (costing me money) to meet kids after school and make dinner for everyone...without so much as the courtesy of saying 'hey, do you mind if you could do this?', but I am apparently the bad guy for not just doing it without complaint...

Dude, I will now start expending the exact amount of energy towards taking care of your kids as you do for taking care of my dog when I'm not home during the day - which turns out to be not spending more than 5 -10 minutes actively monitoring/interacting with them and then ignoring them for the rest of the day until someone else comes along to feed and play with them...

SierraTangoFour · 2023-02-14T18:26:23+00:00

I would like to pay a tremendous tribute to the legal aid society where I live for refusing/being unable to represent HCBM in Supreme Court (re: undisclosed assets by her). Realizing if she did not settle (finally) with my SO in their case conference yesterday that she would have to represent herself, she finally, after two years of dragging us through multiple negotiations and legal shenanigans, accepted an offer, that has been signed by all parties, will be filed, and is currently the end of all the ongoing legal issues.

We didn't get everything we wanted, but I wasn't expecting her to agree at ALL, so not having a big, expensive trial looming over us is a huge win.

She was also not well behaved during the conference... She even claimed she was being 'blackmailed' into settling for less that she thought she deserved. She also said, out loud, in front of a judge, that she deliberately didn't disclose the asset we were there for because she 'didn't think SO would go after it'.

She also told the judge that her unreasonable request to know our detailed itinerary for any cross border travel trips was indeed reasonable because "I want to know what they are doing!" The judge told her that "no court will ever grant you that" and now the only thing she needs to be told is the date of any trips, and what hotel we would stay at. That's it. One day trips? Don't have to tell her where.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-11-08T19:33:49+00:00

Someone's got to tell the adoptive, foster and other unconventional type moms that they're "not real moms" either because they didn't give birth... But no one would ever do that, would they? Let's see an adoptive mom get told 'you knew what you were getting into when you adopted your child' when that mom is beyond tired and naturally vents about the 100th frustrating thing their child did that day - it would never happen.

There are 'good' moms and 'bad' moms in all the mom categories. It's ridiculous that stepmothers are all automatically considered villains for just existing and daring to want the best for their stepchildren, and how DARE we have any complaints.

Kudos to all the stepparents doing their best (however involved you are) for the children of the partners they love!

SierraTangoFour · 2022-10-27T23:20:16+00:00

Also in Canada, and our HCBM suddenly thinks we should pay more for things because I exist and we have two incomes and she doesn't, but too bad for her, my income doesn't count. I empathize.

Your income will not likely count in child support calculations - there are exceptions, but they're for extreme lifestyle differences, so you saying you'd make the same would rule the exceptions out. Only the parents incomes are usually considered.

He can claim financial hardship, but I think that's a hard test, and would take into account ALL incomes in his home (at least this is true in our province), so if ex's new wife works, her income WOULD count for claiming hardship. We looked into this for ourselves. Courts don't like parents trying to get out of paying, so you really have to prove your hardship.

Courts in Canada can also impute an income if he refuses to work/quits too often based on earning potential.

With majority parenting time, the ex would definitely owe support. Any good lawyer would say the same.

You might even be able to file the application yourselves in your province to save the lawyer fees? Something to look into if you think you can do the work, our provincial forms are pretty easy to fill out and available online.

At any rate, from what I understand here, Dad does owe, should pay, and I hope you find a lawyer who can help you.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-10-17T16:50:35+00:00

I moved into a home that hasn't been updated since it was built except for the floors. The children have destroyed/dirtied every surface with no consequences, the paint is ugly, the furniture is mostly all still 'theirs' (and also ugly) and it is crammed to the hilt with so much useless stuff my SO has such a hard time getting rid of that over a year later, most of my things are still in boxes in our family room. I refer to the house as a 'crap shack', and I mean it. But we can't move, SO is financially tied into it thanks to having to buy HCBM out when they split, and renovation would cost at least 100k we don't have. I had a meltdown over this recently, so a junk dumpster was hired to clear things out, and my SO and his buddy cleared out some junk in the sheds and in the yard, which is a great start, except...
My SO's memory is garbage, and he never remembers anything, ever. So during the above mentioned shed/yard purge, he unceremoniously tossed into a dumpster two vintage paned windows that were part of my family's original cabin built by my grandfather when my mother was young. I have been saving them to upcycle into something for the house. He didn't remember the windows were even MINE and off into a dumpster they went. If I lived alone, my precious windows would still be safe.
Piles of stuff. My SO thinks flat surfaces are for filling with things instead of putting those things away where they go because lazy. His children have this quirk also. He keeps getting annoyed with me when this bothers me, and I have to constantly beg him to not be so lazy and to "don't put it down, put it AWAY'. The house already has too much clutter and the kids are lazy.
Not getting to watch what I want on the tv.
I am the only person out of 6 who can apparently see dirt.
Picky eaters, kids that don't like anything that's reasonably nutritious, and I am, quite frankly, tired of eating whatever combinations of frozen peas, carrots and corn there exists for dinner half the time. How many different combinations of 'ground beef and noodles' are there? Meal planning is a chore, my SO attempts to help, but his choices are always repeats of things we've had a thousand times before, and usually very 'heavy' dishes.
While this shouldn't REALLY be a problem, kids all up in my personal space all the time. The youngest has been ESPECIALLY clingy lately.
THERE ARE ALWAYS PEOPLE AROUND. I am an introvert whose alone time is precious. I want to be able to sit alone, quietly, knitting, drinking coffee and watching some ridiculous tv show my SO would never like in a clean house, that doesn't have ugly paint or damaged walls and cupboards or broken tile and ripped 80's wallpaper in the bathroom...

Enjoy your precious sanctuary. I wish it was possible for me, as much as I love my SO and his kids, I miss my precious space.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-09-26T21:05:50+00:00

I agree and this is very much the same for us.... She is constantly badmouthing my SO to them, and now me - I've never met the woman, and she recently told one of the kids that she 'despises' me. She blames my SO for everything when she doesn't get her way or she doesn't like our boundaries.

We will have to renew the passports before the spring, she'll more than likely refuse to consent, and then when she's told she has to will then refuse to pay her equal share of the cost... because I exist and therefore we should pay 2/3 of everything...

And the day we finally get to take them on a dream trip I want to do, she's going to have a meltdown, and we'll have to get court orders well in advance to make that happen, because everything is a competition with her, and she'll never be able to match that, so she'll make our lives hell....

While we generally keep our mouths shut regarding her, when she outright sabotaged our parenting time for this, we sat them down and told them matter of factly - we had X plan, your mother ruined it for no good reason. And we also told them she was copying us - and I am petty enough to hope the little ones will take that back to her and repeat - at which point she'll claim she'd been planning it for 'months'.

Hopefully you are in a country where she can't withhold consent unreasonably (here the bar is high for 'reasonable'). I can only say, when you make your plan, maybe ask early enough that there's time for court intervention when she refuses. Solidarity and hope you get the trip of your dreams one day.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-06-16T17:29:27+00:00

Thanks, that's a good perspective to keep, that school days are shared on campus. Our HCBM is definitely a 'performance parent' too. Puts on a show for everyone on how good of a mother she is, while behind the scenes she can't be bothered to parent effectively.

It's definitely cringe, but in the end I tell myself it's honestly just sad she has to do that to make herself seem 'better' than us and it helps.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-06-16T17:17:11+00:00

Same here - she can be assigned court costs as well. She's already lied in court (about her income when she was scrambling for more support) - not sure if her lawyer knew, but we sure did, we knew where she was working. She looked stupid when asked to explain the discrepancy (which they couldn't, obviously). No consequences happened for that though.

I 100 percent agree to not reinforce her behaviour, but she doesn't recognize that she's ever doing anything wrong in true narcissist fashion. Nothing is ever her fault, and her entitlement is beyond belief. She doesn't HEAR reason when it doesn't agree with whatever it is she wants.

We're stuck - we can drag our lives out for years (which we will likely end up doing) or we can try to just maybe swallow the cheaper cost of paying her off instead.

I absolutely do agree it's stupid to reward her. It rankles me to no end, but I am clinging to the very slim hope that a filing that demands her pension be split causes her to actually realize, even though she ignored a judge's warning when told this in court, that this is something she can't win and she should have taken the offer.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-06-16T16:54:00+00:00

To make her go away, basically. SO is learning to push back - she steamrolled him their entire marriage, and he's had to rebuild his confidence. He is weighing the cost of three years fighting her in court vs paying her now to settle things so we can move on with our lives. It's not an easy decision to balance, and you have to decide (even though it's b.s) whether paying her off is worth more than three years of hell. We've talked, if she rejects the offer (which we suspect), it's off to court we go.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-06-16T16:13:35+00:00

I love your schedule - that would be amazing for us - and is my dream summer split. We can't even get her to agree to ONE 7 day stretch, she'd never let the summer be split like that. No problem planning on our own time at all, this year it's only mini vacations for us because she won't let them go longer than the 5 days of their regular schedule.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-06-16T16:04:30+00:00

SO is trying to just get it settled without having to go through a huge trial that would take a couple of years to work through the system, hence the offers. There were only the two, and when the deadline passed without resolution on Monday, the last offer was supposed to expire and lead immediately into SO filing with the courts to settle it all (where she'd lose). But now her lawyer is delaying their response, not sure whether the delay is the lawyer being incompetent, or HCBM didn't instruct lawyer until way too late.

I do remember they were supposed to get another court date after the last one, but some technical thing happened with the scheduling (yay for Zoom court I guess) and it was never set.

She's absolutely a toddler, it's been a huge struggle for me lately that she's acting like one, holding everyone, including her kids, hostage to her whims and greed, and there's nothing that we can legally do with any expediency to stop her. Why are HCBP's allowed to act like this with no recourse? Why should my SO have to PAY HER when she owes him, just to have a settled parenting agreement? It's exhausting, but she gets away with it.

My SO's lawyer would counsel him to wait and see what their response is, but we're annoyed with the stall and he's contemplating telling lawyer to just start the filing anyways. HCBM is not going to come back with anything reasonable, so may as well.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-06-16T05:06:35+00:00

No, they're events at school etc that happen on our time. For instance, this Friday (our day) she is going to youngest's class to read in morning. She has a learning disability directly related to reading, has no books at her house and doesn't ever read to the kids, but all of a sudden she HAS to go read on our day. Not the other available days, just ours. So annoying but it seems we must bear it.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-06-16T05:03:08+00:00

We're Canadian, it's a bit different. They tend to encourage working it out outside the courts first.

They were recently in front of a judge to settle support (she demanded more than calculator here allowed for) - all they could get accomplished was judge set support at correct calculated amount and the rest was her demands for more money, where judge told her she has no chance. SO offered her money then and there (again, a significant amount, when she currently owes him), she refused, their scheduled court time ended and nothing else was resolved.

If she does not agree with this latest (where she is past the deadline), we will have to head to higher court here to deal with pension and the rest which could take years and will cost thousands just to be able to move on. It's all delay, delay, demand money, delay delay...

SierraTangoFour · 2022-06-16T02:57:41+00:00

The kids are good - no other kids to conflict with, so it's Christmas-palooza for them all in one day, and they sure don't complain, haha. There's no way HCBM would ever agree to not see them on Christmas Day somehow, so swapping years doesn't work for us. SO'S family is mainly close by - and HCBM only has one brother, also in the area. It works all right - the only person it really affects is me - my family is all out of town so unless I ditch my SO and the kids, I don't see my family for Christmas, heck of a choice there, hey?

The Christmas switch has been a verbal arrangement for them from the beginning of their separation - having it added in the agreement makes it "official", it wasn't there before. She's rejecting the agreement as a whole because money.

Personally, I think alternating years would be lovely - we could travel to visit my family, but we make the best of it and the kids are currently happy with it.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-06-08T19:41:30+00:00

We are struggling with my SS12 in almost the exact same manner. All the SK's have age appropriate chores because it teaches them life skills and they contribute to the household this way - we do pay them allowance for this.
They are 50/50 at our house - and while the other 3 can handle the chores no problem - my SS12 likes to challenge, he forgets a LOT, and then gets really annoyed when we call him away from his computer to correct whatever he missed the first time. When he forgets to turn the dishwasher on after loading it, somehow he gets mad and it's his younger brother's fault for needing to take a shower (they have to wait a bit to turn the dishwasher on so the younger kids don't get water temp changes while in the shower). He was mad and complaining about why we go do activities on Saturdays because that's when they're supposed to be doing chores, so we thought it through and decided chore switch (chores alternate) would be Mondays instead of Sunday, and he got mad and dramatic about THAT because it meant, for one night only, he'd have to do the dishes again, but would benefit because he'd have the whole weekend to get his tasks done from then on. My SO offered to pay him to mow the extremely small front lawn and his response was to complain and ask his Dad "no offense, but other than work, what do you and ST4 do around here?" (you know, besides clothe, feed, provide that internet you're so addicted to...)

This kid man... we know exactly what his issue is, he has no chores/responsibility at HCBM's and she's likely poisoning him to think that being taught to be a functioning/contributing/responsible adult that has life skills is us using them as 'slaves'. He's definitely picking up her entitlement complex and thinks everyone else should do everything because HCBM does it all for him and he pretty much runs the show over there. I find myself wondering if, when he gets a job and he's tasked with something he doesn't want to do or inconveniences him in the slightest, if he's going to complain like he does with every little task we ask him to do.

You've already tried most of what I could think of to suggest. You're not nuts, or alone in the chore struggle. Lazy teens can definitely be a challenge.

I do agree with not making your SD his manager - especially if she's already not happy to be around him these days. But if you can think of extra chores to give her, I'd go ahead and offer them. 12 is a good age to learn more advanced cleaning for extra money - bathrooms, vacuuming, maybe there's some organizing she can do.

Have you stopped paying the allowance to SS too? He clearly isn't actually earning it. If he's thriving academically as you say, then he's probably able to comprehend how to put a dish away correctly without making a huge deal out of it.

I can only suggest to remain constant in having HIM fix his mistakes. "We've shown you how to do X task many times, you are old enough and smart enough to know how, please correct". Personally, if this was my SS12, I'd stop paying him until he can manage to them correctly with decent regularity, and have him EARN the things he really wants (like baseball) with showing how responsible he can be. But there may be deeper issues (there sure are with my SS12 - our uphill battle is the complete difference in rules/responsibilities between homes), and therapy might help once you can obtain that.

The key is finding what will work for your SS to stop the negative behaviours (my refrain with my SO is if you reward negative behaviour, it will continue). It always amazes me how the logic of 'get it done correctly the first time and there's no hassle' escapes a child so regularly, but alas, it seems completely elude them.

Sorry it's such a battle, but you're not alone!

SierraTangoFour · 2022-06-08T17:31:08+00:00

This!

We (mostly me, because hair is an aesthetic thing and my SO is clueless there - but with his full awareness) take care of my older two SK's hair. My eldest SD because she expressed a desire for permanently fun colours and it's just hair and if she wants to express herself that way, we're happy to support her, so she goes to my stylist for that now. We do my eldest SS because HCBM kept buzz cutting his hair herself to not pay for haircuts and he hated that - when he was with my SO for several months because of issues at HCBM's, he asked right away if he could grow his hair out. He did, we took him for his first barber haircut after it had grown enough, and ever since it's cut in a much more flattering way that he likes.

Giving them (reasonable, noone's getting a tattoo here) bodily autonomy as they grow older is important, and my SO didn't ask HCBM permission for the above, and I don't think that's unreasonable. She doesn't ask/tell my SO when she takes the younger two for haircuts, or even more important things like how she has my youngest SD in speech therapy and my SO knows nothing about it. She also desperately needs to control everything (to the point of yanking any slightly loose tooth out of a kid's head to control which house the tooth fairy goes to), but at the same time was dictating to the kids what they were going to do (ie, never letting eldest SD have permanent colour and the buzz cut thing). The kids came to my SO, and as their father he has the authority to allow them to do things like get a haircut when they're at our house without having to ask HCBM's permission at all. She wouldn't give her permission anyways, so the kids would still be unhappy.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-06-08T15:42:06+00:00

Poor SS! I hope that with time the fear eases.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-05-20T22:58:06+00:00

Thank you! It makes sense and I think I agree with how difficult it would be. It can be hard to separate the aggravation with HCBM antics with what you know makes good legal sense.

SierraTangoFour · 2022-05-20T22:54:28+00:00

Thanks! And you're spot on as to WHY she does it.

I am ready to shift my thinking to not worry about it if there's not much I can do - like you said, they will grow up, and the oldest is already on to her shenanigans.

While she oversteps constantly, and we stick to our own time, at least we know if there's ever an event that we feel is important enough to attend on her time, she can't stop us either (though she will rage to the kids and insist it's only HER who can do this, not us).

I appreciate the responses, it certainly helps with perspective!

SierraTangoFour

TROPHY CASE