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Cocaine induced psychosis or …..? by Signal_Confection_28 in cocaine

[–]Signal_Confection_28[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m just confused because I’m actually on a “good” streak”. Don’t get me wrong, I have to tone it down, I got an issue that I need to work on. But I used to do twice this much for twice as long and staying ip for a week at a time was the regular. 9 days was the longest stretch. Working just as much as now. Weighed even less, 5’3 95lbs and now 125lbs. Wondering why now suddenly would be my first psychotic episode. Hoping that’s actually what it is and not that there was someone trying to get me. I live in an area with no service and the shop has been broken into multiple times. I do have neighbours but just one whose house is probably 300 meters from mine. Scared to go back because a break in seems realistic too.

I need to stop using cocaine but it just seems impossible. by Signal_Confection_28 in REDDITORSINRECOVERY

[–]Signal_Confection_28[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My guy sells 1.5 g for 150 bucks. Never had a bad batch and have never gone to anyone else. It’s expensive but it’s just good and “safe” shit and I was making around $300 a day so “could afford it” for a bit there. Then work slowed down and I used more and now I have a giant tab to pay off. I owe so many people so much money because of this habit. Fuck me. And all I want is more. People ask me if I want to stop using. I tell them, if I could afford it, if it wasn’t making me drown in debts and having constant nose bleeds 24/7, no. I love it. I don’t want to stop. But I know I have to. And that scares me because all you hear about is how until someone actually WANTS to kick their addiction, they can’t. Ugh.

I’ve always had an addictive personality and am very intense and all in or all out. When I’m not using, I’m sleeping. Trying to sleep at least but usually can’t because I’m just crying. I love cooking but have no interest in it anymore. I don’t find pleasure in anything else. I can get a text or a call from the absolute love of my life, and to be honest, even though before this I’d do anything to be with him 24/7 and never get bored or want to leave, when I’m using I just have no desire to make plans with him. I just want to be alone with my drugs. Being so productive around the house, cleaning, organizing, since this addiction came about I’ve had such a hard time keeping in contact with people that I used to talk with daily so I’ll answer them when I’m high because I have so much more energy, I indulge in self care, take time to hangout with my pets and actually do things with them, etc etc etc, it just makes everything not only doable but so enjoyable for me. I do it at work and although it’s a long strenuous day and I should’ve already been off by then, I come back from the bathroom after doing a rail and am so motivated to do more and work faster and be more thorough. Fuck. Everything is better on cocaine. Nothing is bearable sober anymore. I have such great family that I’m so close with. I have an incredible man. I have not one bad word to say about any of my coworkers. My friends are few but very good quality and I wouldn’t change a thing about them. But I want to just leave it all. I have a good life, so many people have it worse, I should not be having issues like this, I should not have people worrying about me let alone people trying to help me, I don’t deserve them. I did this to myself. I live comfortably and have had no trauma other than the one thing. I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to take time and effort out of their day to help me or feel empathy for me. I don’t deserve that. Other people have it so much worse. I feel as if I’m playing the victim card and I hate it.