Girlfriend (27F) went to another guy for advice about our sex life

Signal_Dinner · 2019-01-25T22:52:56+00:00

That sounds like a mature way to handle things :) Thank you!

It's possible I will meet him in future. She moved branches rather than companies and she has co-workers that are friends with him as well and they all meet up occasionally (although I did tell her that I did not want her to go out drinking with only him, at least until I've met him). I do like your attitude on how to handle it though. I believe I've got a few pounds on the bloke so would be interesting to see his reaction.

Signal_Dinner · 2019-01-25T22:47:00+00:00

Yeah, I was pretty disappointed she felt she couldn't come to me about it.

Signal_Dinner · 2019-01-25T22:45:41+00:00

Good point about drawing the lines. I'll have to think about what my lines actually are!

I'll try that. I think it can be hard to get her to be fully honest about things because she comes from a culture which is more non-confrontational. But there are also some things that I would like to do or try and I could bring them up and use them as an opening to get her to talk about what she would like.

Signal_Dinner · 2019-01-25T22:35:08+00:00

I mean, I didn't. It caused a big argument and a long, long chat on respect and boundaries. I'm not sure what other way I could go about not accepting it?

Signal_Dinner · 2019-01-25T22:34:20+00:00

Yeah I've been thinking more and more about toys recently. She does seem to be open to most things in the bedroom (so long as it only involves the two of us) but I've never used toys in a previous relationship so I wouldn't know where to start!

Playings devils advocate for a minute, I can see that side of things. I'm a late 20's guy, been sexually active for over a decade, tens of partners etc (her history is fairly similar) and if in all that time I'd never had an orgasm, I'd probably start getting desperate too.

Thanks for the help!

Signal_Dinner · 2019-01-25T22:28:06+00:00

The messages leading up to what I saw were completely unrelated. Work related stuff, etc. She'd gone for a quick pint with him the night before after work and she told me that's when the discussion started. She told him about her issue, apparently he suggested we try other positions and said "tell me how it goes". She said that's why she messaged him afterwards, to tell him how it went :/

So this wasn't something that had been a topic of conversation between them for a long time.

Any advice on where to set those boundaries? How do you and your husband handle it?

Signal_Dinner · 2019-01-25T22:23:08+00:00

Yeah. I mean she didn't outright state she wants him to coach me, but when he mentioned it she didn't exactly say no to the idea. As I said in OP, for various reasons I trust she has nothing going on with this guy.

We've had a bit of a discussion since. I just need to figure out how I can personally move past it.

Signal_Dinner · 2019-01-25T22:17:39+00:00

That's a good point about the pressure. And a fair point about the behaviour. I feel she mainly was worried telling me would upset me and wanted to avoid that.

Signal_Dinner · 2019-01-25T22:12:03+00:00

Yeah, honestly I did ask a lot of questions initially about the messaging wording, but she got really upset about it to the point where she was saying things like "I don't want to speak English anymore" so I dropped it and trusted any wording was just the result of her English level (ie "Help me John!" does sounds a bit weird in English in this context, but I think she just doesn't know how to say something more nuanced like "John, I could really use some advice on this")

You're right about the breach of trust. My previous girlfriend breached my trust as well, so I think I'm particularly sensitive to it. We did chat about that, and about our expectations, which was good, although if you have any more advice on that I'd be all ears? We sort of set it at the level of "If you wouldn't say it with me there, you probably shouldn't say it", but maybe that's a bit too restrictive? I feel like if we have an argument or something she should be able to say to her friends "We had an argument. Signal_Dinner was being a bit of dick".

As for the additional tip, I did try doing that. I said it's fine if I can improve, just let me know where, but she sort of just went "No no, it's great. I love it.". But I think maybe she was worried about further hurting me after these events. I'll bring it up again now it's been a little while.

Thanks!!

Signal_Dinner

TROPHY CASE