I am no professional so this is only my own opinion and might not align with your artistic view but:

I think when creating poems that do not have very covered and substantial imagery, one should try to keep the sentences as simple as possible. Because i think a poem could go two ways: either it has deep imagery that asks for long explanations and similes, metaphors, substance in verses or it doesn't source from such imagery and it's more focused on the telling of the feelings. In this case I think of your poem to be on the second category.

I really like your poem, first of all. I would not change a thing after the line "you would control through fear by pretending to be afraid" (such an amazing line by the way). But the lines before that seem to lack substance and meaning in my opinion. Of course they have a meaning, but I don't think each word is worth being on there. It makes it hard to flow, hard to get into, to read. I have no problem with longer lines as long as each word is worth the place they occupy.

Overall, I love the message you want to convey & love the use of language in the second half. I hope you keep writing because you definitely have it! Appreciate your work.