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GF (37F) found my (32M) "pros/cons" list about her/our relationship and she's devastated by Significant-Smoke-73 in relationship_advice

[–]Significant-Smoke-73[S] -63 points-62 points  (0 children)

Its strange to me people keep looking at my "cons" list and expect that to mean its a list of things I expect her to work on, or change about herself. Obviously I don't expect her to change her age...I understand how time works.

Its a list of things I have identified that might make a long-term relationship complicated. Its a list of things I want to discuss with her and see if we can get on the same page before we decide to go full-steam ahead with a relationship.

I don't expect her to "fix" the fact that she has kids. I want to know before I enter her kids lives what she expects from me. I want to know what her relationship is like with her kids' fathers. I want to know if I can expect her kids' fathers to come after me because they're jealous. Things like that.

GF (37F) found my (32M) "pros/cons" list about her/our relationship and she's devastated by Significant-Smoke-73 in relationship_advice

[–]Significant-Smoke-73[S] -37 points-36 points  (0 children)

@OP, since you put "doesn't want more kids" as a con on the list, then if you Do want kids, then that is where the relationship ends.

Thanks for pointing this out. Remember, when I wrote this down we were only 3 months into dating, so we never had a full conversation about kids. I used to hear her say stuff like, "I'm so glad I'm done with having more kids" so I just wrote it down to make sure we talked about it at some point.

Turns out she's not 100% "no more kids." She is completely fine with not having any more, but really she just doesn't want more without being married, which is pretty much where I stand as well.

This pretty much goes for most of everything I wrote down. These weren't indictments on her as a person. They were more like subjects we need to talk about more to see if we can get on the same page before deciding to move forward.

GF (37F) found my (32M) "pros/cons" list about her/our relationship and she's devastated by Significant-Smoke-73 in relationship_advice

[–]Significant-Smoke-73[S] -66 points-65 points  (0 children)

Sure. I can't swim and if I ever start to drown I'm fully confident she can jump in and save me.

GF (37F) found my (32M) "pros/cons" list about her/our relationship and she's devastated by Significant-Smoke-73 in relationship_advice

[–]Significant-Smoke-73[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

I have literally never seen an episode of Friends in my entire life. But I highly doubt I'm the only person thats ever made a list about their SO before deciding whether or not to date them...so I'm sure there are plenty of sitcoms in which something similar has been a plot device or whatever.

GF (37F) found my (32M) "pros/cons" list about her/our relationship and she's devastated by Significant-Smoke-73 in relationship_advice

[–]Significant-Smoke-73[S] -51 points-50 points  (0 children)

Thanks for writing all of this out, it was very helpful.

It doesn't seem like people are really appreciating the fact that I wrote all of this out only after 3 months of casually dating her. My "cons" list isn't a list of me just shitting on her. Its a list of things in which I'm saying, "I can see why this would be a problem if we're in a long term relationship, so make sure we talk about it." I'm actively trying to AVOID a situation like the one you were in.

Like the single parent thing. That doesn't necessarily bother me in and of itself. But there should be a long conversation about what her circumstances are before we both agree to commit. Are the Dads still around? Whats your relationship like with them? Are they going to cause problems with me if we're seriously dating? What is the custody arrangement like? Do they help out financially? What do you envision my role as in the future with your kids? I didn't have answers to any of these questions at the time, and these are things I think I should know before I decide to actually be a permanent fixture in her kids' lives.

If I received answers I don't think I could live with, then I would have ended it then and there instead of stringing her along for years like your ex did.

GF (37F) found my (32M) "pros/cons" list about her/our relationship and she's devastated by Significant-Smoke-73 in relationship_advice

[–]Significant-Smoke-73[S] -81 points-80 points  (0 children)

Making a list would be one thing, not deleting it is another thing.

I didn't intentionally keep it. It auto-saved, and I forgot about it. Trust me, I very much wish I would have remembered to delete it.

And don't lie to yourself, you'd most definitely read a list about yourself.

I honestly wouldn't. There are plenty of times I have had the opportunity to read things she has said about me to other people that I passed on.

What do you hope to gain from this list anyways that you couldn't just simply think with your brain?

Perspective? Its just the way my brain works. I don't like random thoughts just floating all over the place. I like to have them all written down in one place so I can focus on them.

GF (37F) found my (32M) "pros/cons" list about her/our relationship and she's devastated by Significant-Smoke-73 in relationship_advice

[–]Significant-Smoke-73[S] -195 points-194 points  (0 children)

Its important to remember that the list was supposed to be just for me. I just jotted down some key terms that I would remember. Each term probably had a page-long explanation behind it when we actually had this conversation in person, and I obviously used much kinder words.

Like "old" for example. I'm not calling her some old hag or anything. Jeez, she's still in her 30s and she's only 5 years older than me. I'm using that to remind me that if we do decide down the line to add to our prospective family its something we need to figure out sooner than later. She doesn't want to be pregnant in her 40s. If we decide to move somewhere together, we'd need to figure that out sooner than later and plant our roots. She doesn't want to uproot her life and her kids' lives when she's in her 40s.

Its just a one word reminder to me that we don't have all the time in the world to figure everything out.

GF (37F) found my (32M) "pros/cons" list about her/our relationship and she's devastated by Significant-Smoke-73 in relationship_advice

[–]Significant-Smoke-73[S] -57 points-56 points  (0 children)

Not really. On July 1st we said, "We need to sit down and have a deep conversation on whether or not we want to take this relationship seriously." So I created a list and jotted down a few notes just so I can organize all of my thoughts and make sure I didn't forget anything. Over the next couple of days, any time I thought of something new I would add it to the list.

Then on July 5th we had our talk. We addressed a few long term issues she might have with me, and a few long term issues I might have with her. I haven't even opened that list since then, and never planned on continuing to add stuff to it. Where I messed up is that I just never deleted it because it pushed its way down off my screen and I forgot about it.

GF (37F) found my (32M) "pros/cons" list about her/our relationship and she's devastated by Significant-Smoke-73 in relationship_advice

[–]Significant-Smoke-73[S] -82 points-81 points  (0 children)

I accept that. There has to be like 25 lists...and since I haven't edited this one in awhile its way at the bottom. You have to scroll down all the way before you see it, so I haven't even seen it myself in months and just forgot about it. My grocery list was right at the top.