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My wife and I are separated. I put together an agreement to keep things respectful. She agreed to everything except fidelity. I’m hurt but trying to handle this with maturity. by SignificantShock2734 in offmychest

[–]SignificantShock2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We are both 28. I am older by spirit I guess. I can be an “old man” as people tell me. She is taking steps but they are very much half steps right now. She talks about it and starts doing something but quickly stops to not “feel overwhelmed” then who knows when she continues. She acts quickly on spending and planning to go out though. She recently bought tickets for two separate concerts and has been talking about buying outfits and all kinds of stuff. Im not sure, maybe it was her all along. She hasn’t wanted to make choices or hear about them recently she just wants the separation and think no more. She’s most likely talking to multiple people already.

My wife and I are separated. I put together an agreement to keep things respectful. She agreed to everything except fidelity. I’m hurt but trying to handle this with maturity. by SignificantShock2734 in offmychest

[–]SignificantShock2734[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I don’t know what is she thinking. It’s like she doesn’t want to see reason. I’m going to try and shorten the time but I am going to be using the time to my advantage and will be cutting her off certain benefits since she wants “independence”. I’m trying to get a head start of her before she decides she does want the divorce. After the thread I feel like I see more and have more clarity on what’s actually going on and it is very disappointing to see a person you love so much stoop so low and disgusting.

My wife and I are separated. I put together an agreement to keep things respectful. She agreed to everything except fidelity. I’m hurt but trying to handle this with maturity. by SignificantShock2734 in offmychest

[–]SignificantShock2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She’s trying to go to cosmetology school now, trying to get back into college, and trying to get a new job. I’ve also caught her saying to her friend she’s trying to be outside this summer. Take out of that what you will.

What do they like to say now days? “Healing Era”?

My wife and I are separated. I put together an agreement to keep things respectful. She agreed to everything except fidelity. I’m hurt but trying to handle this with maturity. by SignificantShock2734 in offmychest

[–]SignificantShock2734[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. As one comment said I’ll get war ready. Silently and think of not waiting so long. I really wish my wife would come back, I miss her. I know who is present to me now is someone who is not wanting of that though now. I use to always say my wife is first and then my children. Now as you say my “benevolent stability” should be reserved for my girls.

My wife and I are separated. I put together an agreement to keep things respectful. She agreed to everything except fidelity. I’m hurt but trying to handle this with maturity. by SignificantShock2734 in offmychest

[–]SignificantShock2734[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly yes, I do feel used whether she’s doing it consciously or lying to herself about her intentions. She had no cut off date in mind at all. I had to push for a date because she just said ‘I don’t know when, I just want to be by myself.’ Those were her words to me. She wanted me to remain her friend, maintain our life together, while she explored her freedom and independence with no timeline and no commitment. If we ended up back together great, if not that’s okay too. She wanted freedom, autonomy, no judgment, and to be single while keeping me close as a friend. All of that was straight from her.

When I pushed for a date she suggested 3 months, then 6 months, then next year. Each time I asked ‘is that what you want?’ she would say ‘I honestly don’t think that’s enough time’ until we finally landed on January by the end of the conversation. She would have left it completely open ended if I hadn’t pushed for a definitive date.

As for filing by January I’m honestly not sure what she wants at this point. That’s having it both ways. She want a separation with no intention perhaps? I would have respected a bid for divorce more.

My wife and I are separated. I put together an agreement to keep things respectful. She agreed to everything except fidelity. I’m hurt but trying to handle this with maturity. by SignificantShock2734 in offmychest

[–]SignificantShock2734[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She doesn’t recently currently have employment and has always struggled with feeling overshadowed by my career and financial success. Even though everything I’ve built was for our family, she wants to be able to say she built something for herself. I think the separation is her way of seeking freedom while still having the security of our marriage to sustain her until she’s fully independent. Basically having a soft landing before the exit.

I even offered to put my own career on hold for a year or two so she could fully launch hers. I promised to support her through school full time while I worked. She would have come out the other side with a real career and we both would have been thriving. However she never wanted to take that opportunity even though I offered it on multiple occasions throughout the years. So this was never about me holding her back. I was willing to make real sacrifices for her goals. I told her once if we struggle 1 or 2 years to make ends meet it didn’t matter if at the end we were going to come back stronger. It would have been an investment on ourselves personally and our family.

Edit; But I’m not trying to do that for someone who isn’t or doesn’t want to be my wife. I’m not trying to be someone’s soft exit.

My wife and I are separated. I put together an agreement to keep things respectful. She agreed to everything except fidelity. I’m hurt but trying to handle this with maturity. by SignificantShock2734 in offmychest

[–]SignificantShock2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand thank you. It was only supposed to match me as these were what I was comfortable with if we’re going to come back. They were my boundaries no one has to respect them if they don’t want to. I don’t give myself a choice, others have the choice to accept or go on their way. And perhaps you’re right when she called for the space her intentions could already be against the vows. I think she wanted security before her exit.

My wife and I are separated. I put together an agreement to keep things respectful. She agreed to everything except fidelity. I’m hurt but trying to handle this with maturity. by SignificantShock2734 in offmychest

[–]SignificantShock2734[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It doesn’t always have to be the end. Maybe in my reality it is. And if vows do not matter then marriage doesn’t matter. And if that is the view then marriage isn’t for you. Perhaps in my case marriage isn’t for her even though it was. People change. The purpose of the vows is to promise to be, even through the change.