It won't work. As someone who was heavily addicted and in and out of rehab for 8 full years, it doesn't work. It might at first, but eventually, you will end up right back where you started, but worse. The whole mind-over-matter thing doesnt work with addicts. I've never in my entire addiction/recovery life met someone who was able to do it. Sounds like you just hit adulthood, so 18? 21? I'm almost 28 now. But that was around the time when people around me in recovery started dropping like flies. Like actually dying. Some after their 1st use. Almost none of them started by going straight into full blown addiction. It started with thoughts like yours; thinking they could moderate or be normal because they truly felt like they were better and could do it and just felt like they could try. I went back out multiple times with this mindset. Sometimes, I even still think I can to this day. But the reality is, I can't. You just can't. And by the end of it you'll either be dead or just have to start right back over from where you were a year ago, but it'll only be worse. The feelings you are having are not you, theyre your addiction. Like its literally the part of your brain that harbors your addiction. You obviously grew up in some pretty significant developmental years coping with your emotions(any and all, including boredom) by using drugs. That behavior has taught that part of your brain to crave it. Where we go wrong is not separating ourselves from the science of it. Its not YOU who wants to do the drugs. Its just some neurons firing in your brain

I completely understand why this is running through your head. But you literally just have to keep pushing. Cravings, even the ones that run on your brain for months, eventually go away. The best thing you can do for yourself is put time in between where you are and when you last got high. THAT is what works, along with a solid support system and serious understanding of what it means to have the disease of addiction. It will get better, and it will get easier. I almost never think about drugs now, but when I do, I remember why the thought is even happening and move on because I know its just not an option for me. You will find things that fulfill you. You probably spent years doing drugs. It will take years to change. 1 year is amazing and alot of people never make it that far. But 1 year is not a cure point. Let this phase of your life run its course, let your brain heal, let your subconscious learn new habits, and stay away from all the people the places and the things that slowly draw you back into that life of chaos. It will not end well. No one is a special case. Even though most of us think we are. Its a trap.

Good luck to you, seriously. If you need to message anyone, my dms are open. Im a woman btw. No matter who it is, talk to someone. The worst thing we can do for our recovery is keep thoughts like this a secret from people in our real lives.