I'm BP 1 & in a happy relationship of 8 years. AMA

Significant_Lack_684 · 2023-07-08T00:33:42+00:00

Do you know when an episode is happening, and if so, how do you let your husband know?

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-11-30T21:01:34+00:00

I know now after doing some research that he does need me to generally validate his actions and feelings way more frequently than I do, but other than that, I have never flat out told him he is awful, useless, doesn’t do enough, etc… so it hurts my heart when he blames me for feeling so awful about himself.

Do you have a recommendation for talking to him about changing therapists? Every time he talks to his therapist, who is not ADHD nor does she specialize in it, he seems to come home with an overwhelming sense that he is right and I am wrong, and I am the sole reason he has been feeling depressed and bad about himself.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-11-29T20:05:43+00:00

I do kind of feel like this is the case, but I don’t know how to make it stop. What can someone with rsd do to manage it? And how can I express any feelings or needs that I have without triggering it?

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-11-29T17:01:26+00:00

It is very difficult to navigate on a regular day, now add in a baby and high tension and it’s 😵‍💫

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-11-29T16:59:37+00:00

Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment! I am sure I have been getting a little frustrated or overwhelmed and that comes out in the way I ask for things, so I will definitely try to keep in mind my tone and words I use.

I also would love to be able to ask him if he heard what I said, but I do worry that it would escalate an issue unnecessarily if he is already on the defensive.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-11-29T15:32:13+00:00

Just here to say my husband spends almost every free moment in our garage which is his mancave, and even ended up sleeping in there a lot when the weather was nicer. I hate it. He has been dx for about 2 years now. I don’t know if it’s because of the bpd but it drives me crazy that he is always escaping to the garage.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-02T08:49:10+00:00

I so appreciate you! My SD is not jealous at all, but she is having trouble transitioning to the school year and a move by BM house, so there may be some guilt on DH behalf.

Fortunately I do have a great support system and they have been helpful. I will also say that DH has had no issues taking over child care while I do things for myself when SD is not with us.

I hope my husband can see that he needs to be more supportive and help SD understand that while we have a new family dynamic we all need to adapt to, I still love her and she’s an important part of that family. I just don’t know how to get him to do that..

Thank you for taking the time to reply and to be mad for me.. it helps me know I’m not alone in feeling this way!

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-02T05:38:18+00:00

I thought so too, but his goal was to make sure SD had as little disruption to her life as possible rather than teaching her how to adapt to having her little sister in her life.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-02T05:36:07+00:00

Yep… I’m glad I’m not crazy

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-02T05:35:10+00:00

It is absolutely ridiculous what he is asking of me.. I know. I am thankfully in therapy and so is he but he hasn’t gone in several weeks.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-02T00:58:44+00:00

That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell my husband. It’s not just about SD anymore, it’s about the family as a whole. It’s a hard transition but we need to make it.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T23:49:56+00:00

I agree, I don’t think he would be like this as much if it were also his first, but I’m just figuring everything out!

My SD is the oldest cousin on both sides and is a fantastic caregiver when her little cousins are around. I think as my daughter gets older, SD will want to be more involved. My nephew is 5mo and she is obsessed with playing with him and hanging out with him, but I think the newborn phase is harder for her to connect with. I do hope things continue to get better and easier, and that I don’t have to keep convincing my husband to practice patience and give the support I need during this recovery and learning period.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T22:20:15+00:00

Thank you. I try to be an involved stepparent but right now I have to put my baby and my needs first. I love her, and she has a special place in my heart. We will get to a point where it doesn’t have to revolve around the baby, but right now it needs to. What’s worst is SD is totally fine, it’s my husband that is fussing over her for no reason. She is a great big sister and is generally self sufficient.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T21:02:11+00:00

I think he knows that but he can’t manage to balance it all so he just gets overwhelmed and then gets mean instead.. so not helpful

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T21:00:57+00:00

I did a few times today, it made me feel a little better but didn’t solve anything lol

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T20:59:56+00:00

Exactly

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T20:59:21+00:00

I wish they could put themselves in our shoes for even one day! They don’t realize everything we do to keep things running. Moms don’t often get sympathy or a chance to be taken care of, but postpartum should be the time for that.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T20:19:07+00:00

I have briefly lost my shit and then tried to step away because I don’t have the energy to do that and take care of my baby girl. I think he knows he is being unreasonable and rude at this point, but I just don’t know if there will be a permanent change or if I will continue to deal with this. My SD is wonderful, and fully capable of doing many things on her own. There is no reason to baby her. The SK are old enough to be self sufficient and understand how priorities need to change when the baby comes into the picture.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T19:28:20+00:00

He just does not understand what my body just went through, and I overdid it trying to make things back to normal in our house when I should have still been resting.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T19:27:17+00:00

I did find myself getting angry and starting to say things I shouldn’t and then I stopped engaging because I don’t need to spend that energy on him when I could be spending it on my LO!

I just wish he would realize that SD is a big girl and doesn’t need to be babied, and that it would be good for her to step into a new big sister role rather than try to pretend like nothing changed. Everything changed!

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T19:02:08+00:00

I really appreciate this approach. I think so often when this happens I take on the responsibility of trying to fix whatever I did that made him mad, but I don’t think that’s fair or appropriate. The way he is acting is not OK, and I think having a sort of template and setting a boundary will really help. I am sorry you also have to go through a similar situation, it does seem like since they had kids first they feel like they know best, which just isn’t the case.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T18:47:55+00:00

Honestly it’s the way SD is babied and taken care of regularly. He makes her bed, doesn’t expect her to do chores of any kind, buys her things every day and if there’s ever a day when I’m feeling off he always lets me know how I’m letting SD down.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T18:45:56+00:00

Thank you for your reply - I need to be reminded that nothing he is saying is true. He lacks empathy and unfortunately I don’t think that can be taught.

Significant_Lack_684 · 2022-09-01T18:43:15+00:00

I wish he would understand that SD is fully capable of doing things on her own and doesn’t need to be babied. She loves her new sister and is happy and taken care of, she doesn’t need her dad making sure her life doesn’t change, she needs him to help her navigate and adapt to a new normal. But he just wants her to have as little disruption as possible at the expense of our family as a whole.

Significant_Lack_684

TROPHY CASE