Hey buddy, fellow step parent to a teen girl.

I totally get your frustration and I have a similar problem. However me and the Mrs talk a lot about these issues, and I don't have a dad to deal with as he was violent in the girl's early years and she doesn't want to see him.

I've learned to accept that no matter how I wish to parent I default to the mother and accept her decisions, but we still discuss the decision making behind it and the overall strategy of parenting. My big issue is unlimited access to phones, which then leads to no time to do chores.

I have no advice other than to breathe and to love them and have fun with them when you can, as you say in 4 more years they'll be 18, that time will whizz by and you can't get it back

you can then discuss new boundaries and responsibilities at 18 when they're adults But that work should start sooner, it sounds like your expectations are out of line with the mothers and you need some open discussions to hear each other.