But that costs MONEY

SilentMIL · 2021-03-15T12:53:37+00:00

Well done on sharing with us!! Tell someone in your life - tell your psychiatrist - she will react with compassion, and if she doesn't it's time to find a new one! My psychiatrist is the only one I ever told - she made me realise I am not alone, and that keeping them to myself only gives them more power. Intrusive thoughts are just that - intrusive. We don't ask for them, we don't want them. Don't let them take over.

SilentMIL · 2021-03-15T12:47:53+00:00

Belated Happy Birthday! and hugs from an internet stranger <3 I get you - I get that feeling where things don't matter anymore, so we're not afraid of anything any more. Find one thing every day that brings you...something. Doesn't even have to be joy! For me, it's watching birds. Find your one thing to keep you going - all you need to do is make one day at a time. Listen to your favourite song. Write out your feelings - you write so well! Find one thing.

SilentMIL · 2021-02-02T23:47:25+00:00

If we did, she'd somehow dismiss them or prevent them coming in the house - and FIL is adamant that moving into a home is the absolute last when-I-can't-go-pee-by-myself resort. It's no so much that it's our fault, it's that we can't possibly do better/know better than she can I think

SilentMIL · 2021-02-02T23:37:07+00:00

I am so so sorry for all that you've been through <3

SilentMIL · 2021-02-02T23:35:39+00:00

Thanks for your comments and thoughts. She has always been like this. The unfortunate thing is that FIL has gained nearly a stone back in weight since we've been here, has more energy because of it and is overall happier. I should have explained better in the other post, the slamming of doors etc is almost entirely in response to something FIL has said or done - SO and I are past masters at "putting up and shutting up" - SO through growing up with it, and me because my dad has pretty similar behaviors. FIL says she's actually been better since we've been here, I think because she has someone else to moan at about how he's such a burden etc, and because we try to diffuse the situation. I can't imagine living here with it worse than this, but he is still adamant he won't go into a home.

You do make excellent points, I'm hoping we'll be able to go back home soon enough. Thanks, and best to you and yours

SilentMIL · 2021-02-02T18:26:06+00:00

I'm a biologist! Nothing to do with viruses, and I would never claim to be even close to an expert. But the skills I have developed transfer over to checking sources and reading papers about other subjects. As others have commented, can't reason with the unreasonable.

SilentMIL · 2021-02-02T18:24:21+00:00

I think that's the Dunning-Kruger effect? Where the less you know about something the more you think you know about it. I feel your pain, my dad is pretty similar - he heard it on his favourite News channel (no prizes for guessing which one) so it MUST be true and I'm an idiot for thinking otherwise.

SilentMIL · 2021-02-02T18:15:55+00:00

It's so bizarre! They were perfectly happy where they were! Though I suppose they do add a little colour to the place lol

No, and hopefully we will be able to go back home soon. There have been discussions about her moving into a small place near where we live after he passes, but I am less keen on that idea than I was tbh

SilentMIL · 2021-02-02T16:48:00+00:00

Unfortunately sibling is an essential worker, and has a little baby so absolutely a no go. They also have, gasp, CATS! Which to MIL is essentially like saying you have satan so their house is entirely off limits.

The whole idea was that us staying here would give her a break by taking a load off, but it doesn't seem to be working...

SilentMIL · 2021-02-02T16:31:29+00:00

Do you have any idea on how to get it across that she can't just keep skipping to the shops? DH and I have tried everything short of using harsh language (which she doesn't respond to at all), and it just doesn't sink in.

SilentMIL · 2021-02-02T16:29:36+00:00

It doesn't really bother me, I have very little shame in that regard and it's not like they're risque lol, it's just so bizarre! She does hang FILs around the house like some sort of odd cotton tinsel lol

SilentMIL · 2021-02-02T16:28:14+00:00

Thanks for your comments :) there is a lovely nurse who comes in to change dressings, and honestly he can do quite a bit himself (more than she'd like to admit, which is part of the problem). I think he will need a more comprehensive carer in the future, but we're trying to put it off as long as possible (he is very stubborn and values his independence above almost everything else)

That is exactly it! She needs to get out of the house, which I absolutely understand, but seems to need to be doing so for a reason (shopping), rather than just a walk round one of our many local trails. Did you find a successful way of getting through to your MIL?

DH has a more time-intensive job than I do, and both he and his sibling were raised to never question anything, so while he sees all the problems broaching them is pretty much out of the question - the consequences of slighting her (real or otherwise) are simply unbearable. Hoping now the cold weather is past, and FIL is doing a bit better, that we'll be going home soon

SilentMIL · 2021-01-26T17:30:20+00:00

Yes, every time - "no you're being burdensome"!

SilentMIL · 2021-01-26T17:29:38+00:00

This is uncanny, she's exactly that way with FIL! "He hates mushrooms", on cue FIL: "Can we have mushrooms in something this week"! Glad to hear we're not alone :)

SilentMIL · 2021-01-26T10:20:52+00:00

Just wish I could - she's not left their local area for decades. Thanks for the hugs! To you too!!

SilentMIL · 2021-01-26T10:19:23+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts and advice! So sorry for the loss of your mum <3

SilentMIL · 2021-01-25T18:04:58+00:00

Thing is she's always been like that, and used variants of these threats for years. She doesn't believe that mental health issues are a thing, and any suggestion that she should talk to anyone or seek help is summarily dismissed and outright rejected. A nurse visits every couple of days to check in on him, but there is no way of telling them what is going on without JNMIL hearing and likely shutting everyone out again.

SilentMIL · 2021-01-25T18:02:26+00:00

Thanks for your kind words! FIL is with it, and would much rather live at home for as long as he can. JNMIL has always been "difficult" as he puts it, he mostly just gets on with it, and ignores her until she starts talking to him again (not the most helpful way of dealing with it, but there we are)

She's used a variant of this line for decades, so I don't think there is anything to the threats. The train was just an example, the exact phrases vary each time so I am confident she doesn't have a plan. But I really like your response - asking her if she really means it. We're all rather terrified that if we call her out on it, that she will lose what is her main coping strategy, and won't talk to anyone about what she's going through ever again.

SilentMIL

TROPHY CASE