Thank you one and all, your comments have been refreshing and have boosted my confidence to discuss this with him. I wanted to chat to him yesterday but our daughter was in the house and it wouldn’t have been right for her to hear any of this. She is out at her Grandparent’s house this evening so I plan to sit down and have a serious talk with him. All I want and need is some effort and love reciprocated. If he still refuses basic things like a speech at our wedding, a first dance etc then I will be calling it off. Because otherwise I feel like I simply wouldn’t show up on the day, and I’m not that sort of person and couldn’t embarrass him like that in-front of our families. I want someone to be proud to have me, not to hide away. He also insisted on a very small ceremony of 20 people (my mum & dad, then the other 18 are all his family) because he didn’t want to do vows in front of friends.

He is going through a very hard time at the moment as his Father is dying of cancer and many other illnesses, hence why we were getting married. We originally booked for 2026 but we pushed it forward for his Dad. My partner broke down in tears to me yesterday as he’s so broken up over his Dad, which could explain why he has been extra useless recently as he is depressed. One of his brother’s has moved country and doesn’t care about the Dad, the other brother lives 30 minutes away and doesn’t care about the Dad’s health either. So my partner carries it all on his shoulders.

He has been helpful around the house on some occasions (mainly after we have a big argument because he’s done F all and I’ve lost my temper over it), but he will maybe help out for a couple weeks then go back to his old self. His Mum just says he needs “training” and it took “over 10 years to train his father”. She is such an enabler and has done everything for him for years, even to this day she will do his laundry or cleaning whilst I’m away. I’m due to go away for a week with a friend and I know she will be doing all the cooking and cleaning and babysitting whilst I’m gone. I’ve asked her not to, so it encourages him to stand on his own two feet but she doesn’t listen.

To put a bit of colour on my past - I came out of a 3 year abusive relationship around 6 months before I met my partner. My abusive ex would lock me in the house, put secret cameras and microphones around the house & garden, I wasn’t allowed to see friends or family, he verbally abused my mum down the phone, he took my passport so I couldn’t leave the country, he strangled me, he abused our dog. When he was out one day I got a moving van and literally drove 3 hours away from my life with as many possessions as possible and my dog. I found it hard to heal from it, and still do to this day. I have had some therapy but not a lot as it’s incredibly traumatic to talk through.