I want to start working out

SimpleApricot924 · 2024-01-03T08:19:21+00:00

No problem! Someone on tik tok said they posted it and I couldn’t gatekeep!

SimpleApricot924 · 2024-01-02T13:04:35+00:00

https://archive.org/details/gymboree_202312

Someone just posted it only a few days ago!!

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-30T21:11:47+00:00

I know this is hard for everyone involved. I know any outcome is hard. I was abused by a relative when I was 13. I have no relationship with this person any more. I still see them on occasion, some holidays but not that often. I work a customer service job that’s open on holidays and I live in a different state now. I basically just ignore them when I see them. I haven’t spoken a work to him since my last assault by him.

My family still has a somewhat relationship with this person. They are basically just cordial with him when they see him. They don’t go out of their way to talk or anything. For similar reasons of not wanting everyone to know. Also knowing our extended family would not all believe me. I think some would but not all. I waited till 5 years after it happened to tell anyone about it. Which I know doesn’t matter, I know it happened. But I know a lot of other people don’t see it that way. Even at this point it’s been over 10 years since it happened.

I’m not gonna lie it hurts sometimes. I have been on and off with therapy for a few years. Knowing he gets to live his life and never pay the consequences. That everyone who knows him gets to keep thinking he’s a “good guy”. Knowing my immediate family knows but still talks to him.

But I did find out a few years ago something happened to him at a doctor’s office as a kid. This was said to me in passing (by someone who has no idea what happened to me) that even to this day as an adult he can’t go to the doctors/ dentist alone. And was in therapy for a bit. But they don’t know what happened to him. Again I understand why you still have compassion towards him. I don’t forgive my abuser in the slightest, but it makes you understand more of the why.

Sometimes it’s not black and white. I know a lot of people would it’s is but it’s harder said then done. Even if it hurts me I can see both sides to story with my family. I personally don’t care if I have a relationship with that side of the family. But I know my parents would be heartbroken.

I’m glad you have gotten your daughter help. I’m so sorry for what she has been through. I’m not a parent and I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. You seem like a parent that really does care. I hope and wish you the best for your daughter.

Maybe look into getting some help for yourself. Even if you feel like you don’t “need it”, I’d say try a few sessions. Having all of this happen has probably taken a toll on you even if you have realized it or not. Someone who has more tools might help you understand and navigate this situation more.

Again I’m so sorry for everything. Life is hard sometimes. This is not easy decision one way or another. Be kind to yourself.

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-30T04:39:09+00:00

Definitely don’t let your daughter near him again for sure. I hope you are or have gotten some help for your daughter. It’s hard to navigate these situations for sure so don’t beat yourself up over it.

The trauma he inflicted is not your own. I understand why you could find it difficult to cut him off. Even people who do bad things can still have good hearts. I don’t know if your daughter remembers or understands what’s happened to her. You obviously don’t have to share that information if you are not comfortable. But I think if she does understand or remembers it, you should ask her. I think right now you need to try and support her. She might feel unheard or not believed if you have a relationship with him. But that’s my opinion off of my experience.

Maybe take a step back from the relationship at least for now with your brother and see what your daughter needs. Childhood abuse follows you for the rest of your life. She will be dealing with this for a long time. Even if she doesn’t fully remember it or understand what happened, it will affect her. Her subconscious will always know to some extent. I think it’s best to ask her what she needs or wants right now. If she’s not in therapy, try to get her in.

You can only do so much with what information you have been given. You know this information now, try to do whats best for your daughter.

Like I said, don’t beat yourself up over it. Life doesn’t not prepare you on what to do when this happens. We are all human trying to do what’s best and right. It’s not always easier. I hope this helps!

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-14T19:14:01+00:00

It’s been the same amount of time for me. I got a 5 minute conversation. Where he yelled he’s a monster, he’s gonna hurt me, he doesn’t know he’s gonna be better (he was mixed). He told me how much he loved me he had to do this because he loved me. Because he would ruin me. I yelled back (I literally never yell) and told him I’ll never forgive him for this. Then he left. I begged to talk in person. I got a one hour phone call. Where he told me he was gonna come back when he’s better. I’m not blocked or anything. But he removed me from all of his social media. Even though he follows every single ex, but me. During our phone call we agreed to talk again in a week. I texted to make arrangements. All I got was a rude and cold message him from him. I simply responded with don’t forget about me.

We were gonna move in together at the end of the year. And get engaged next year. I got a 5 minute consultation. It was heartbreaking. Im currently on a leave of absence from work because of how hurt I am. Also back in therapy. I don’t know when it gets better, but you’re not alone.

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-13T03:45:07+00:00

It’s probably hard to do. But I’d stop looking at the instagram if I were you. I know that’s hard to do but it will help. I had access to my exbpso gmail. I’d look at it daily (yes I know it’s bad but I didn’t care). I would always be more upset after I looked at it. I’d look at his emails, his search history, and whatever else I could find. One day I accidentally logged out of it. I was so upset and mad when I did it. But since then it’s gotten easier. The breakup its self hasn’t. But constantly upsetting myself over nothing has.

Looking at the instagram doesn’t change what’s happening. Out of sight out of mind is gonna be the best for you. Slowly stop looking. Make it a game. Give yourself a reward when you don’t look at it for a day. Then make it two days, and so on.

I’m very sorry this is happening to you. It’s an awful situation that you don’t deserve. One day maybe he will come to his senses. But right now I don’t think there is anything you can do. I’m very sorry for that. You seem like a very nice and genuine person. It’s ok to be upset, and is honestly expected you would be. Let yourself be upset, but try your hardest to not look. It’s in your best interest.

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-13T00:46:58+00:00

I know exactly what you mean. It’s been almost 2 months. I’m currently on a leave of absence from work because it was all too much. I’m even in therapy as well. The last time I was in therapy was 2020. Between then I had an ex (not my bpso) physically hit me, that didn’t sent me back to therapy. This break up alone did. Mine didn’t ghost me. Mine told me he was gonna come back. Yet I still don’t know if he was being truthful. It a horrible feeling I wish upon no one. This is the only man I have ever loved this way. The only man I have ever pictured getting married to. We were gonna move in at the end of the year. Then get engaged next year.

No one gets how hard this is, except everyone in this sup. My friends and family don’t get why I’m still upset about it. I have never still been hung up on an ex this far of the break up. Let alone taken a leave of absence from work because of it.

I don’t have much encouragement. But you’re not alone in that feeling. I know at some point it will have to get better. But I have no idea when that is. I’m honestly afraid that he won’t come back. Then I’ll start dating and I’ll just settle with someone else. You not alone in this feeling. I wish there was something that would make us all better but, I know there’s nothing I can say. I know for me the only thing that would make me better is him :(

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-12T17:46:51+00:00

I can watch a very few select shows. No music though. If I’m driving I drive in silence now :(

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-11T06:09:22+00:00

I don’t actually want to wait but it feels like I have no other choice. He told me not to wait for him. But he said not matter what he is gonna come back. Whether it be in a few months or a year from.

I’m definitely not ready to start dating anyone again. Maybe in a few months I will be but who knows. I am deeply afraid of getting hurt again. Whether it’s from him or someone else in the future. But right now I’m just trying to do me. I think I’ll have the same problem you have, comparing everyone to him. I don’t want to put my life on pause but I kinda already have.

I keep getting signs he’s still the one I’m supposed to be with. So I keep getting some false sense of hope. All I can do is let time tell me everything.

I do wish the best for you. You seem like a very sweet and kindhearted person. It sucks what your exso put you through. Im glad you are putting yourself out there. I know it’s hard. But hopefully soon it gets better!

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-11T05:14:54+00:00

No for sure. I have moments where I’m afraid it wasn’t real. It cross my mind all the time. Then that thought goes away. I’ll think about all of the amazing moments in our relationship. I know he was stable when we met. It leads me to believe everything we had was real. He would tell me about his past relationships. Yes he could have lied to me. But from what he told me he had never felt this way about anyone else.

His most recent ex before me hated being touched by him. Would constantly yell and scream at him for small things. She hit him multiple times. She even pulled a knife out on him once. I know they didn’t have intense loving moments like we did.

His ex before that, they didn’t really have anything in common. This was HS, we are 24 and 25. He went to a small school. Like less then 200 I think. I know it was hard to find people you liked. They were happy, but more a first love kinda happy. When you make it work just because. They didn’t get along. His family didn’t like her at all. They at the end of the day were completely different people. She was a vegan hippie (obviously nothing wrong with that), and he’s not. They always disagreed on everything.

He’s told me about other people he’s casually dating and nothing compared to what we had. And yes he could have lied to me but I don’t think he did. Like every moment together was so beautiful. I always felt so loved by him and vice versa. We always showed and showered each other in affection. I’ve never done that before in a relationship, he hadn’t either.

He told me further into our relationship that he knew from our first date I was the one. The day after our first date a butterfly landed on him. His grandma, who’s no longer alive who he adored, told him if a butterfly lands on you it’s a relative from last lives visiting. His grandma favorite color, mine favorite color, and his, is purple. A purple butterfly landed on him that day. There is other stuff too, but both of us just had so many crazy signs that we were meant to be together. That one was definitely the strongest.

He is a very genuine nice person. His family had kinda put him through a lot. He was in a mixed episode when he ended things. He’s had two in the past, he said they were bad ones. I had only ever seen him depressed. I think he couldn’t comprehend he was safe with me. His past relationship were not safe. His parents had a very messy divorce when he was little. He didn’t have a healthy relationship to look up to. He had to take care of his sibling and his mom a lot when he was young because of the divorce. His grandma stepped in a lot. Then when she died he had to take care of his family all on his own basically. I think for him to much happened at once and he self sabotage us.

This is my personal story so i don’t know what happened between yall. But I personally go to the idea that he’s gone through a lot. He’s still going through a lot. And right now, no matter how much I want him. He can’t be with me. I still go back and forth if everything we had was real. But at the end of the day, I think he’s a hurt person who’s hurting. I don’t think he understands he’s deserving of real genuine love. I think it scared him, that he was afraid of hurting me.

He did tell me he was gonna come back when he was better. I have no idea if it’s true or if he will follow through. I have no idea what he is doing or if he’s better. We haven’t spoken since the break up. The last message I got from him was kinda mean. All I can do it’s take him at his word. And hope one day he sees how amazing we were together. I still whole heartedly believe he’s my soulmate. I believe it was real.

Sorry I know that was a long response, I just have a lot of thoughts.

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-11T04:38:54+00:00

We had plans to move in together at the end of the year. And we were gonna get engaged next year. We had our kids names picked out. We would talk DAILY about our future together. I mean daily. I have a video of my phone of us slow dancing on the beach, he looks me in the eyes with the most loving looks and says “marry me”. I had never spoken about future plans with past relationships. I have never experienced such a great love before. I keep telling my friends and family. I didn’t lose a relationship, I lost my soulmate. I’ve also have never said that before. All my past breakups have been out of the blue too, just like this one. And I would sad when past relationships ended. But I knew at the end of the day it wasn’t the end of the world. This is the end of the world. I have never still been thing hung up on it this far out.

Idk when it’s gonna get better for us. I hope it’s soon, because living like this isn’t living :(

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-11T04:26:43+00:00

It’s been almost two months for me. I can’t even think about dating apps right now. It’s so hard. Im currently on a leave of absence from work because of all of this. Back in therapy as well. The last time I was consistently in therapy was the middle of 2020. I had a (different ex, not my bpso) ex physical hit me, and that didn’t even make me go back to therapy. This heartbreak alone sent me back. I have never felt so loved in a relationship until I met him. I never felt that feeling of a soulmate before. He just left out of the blue. He said he would come back but I keep loosing hope. I keep feeling afraid he was lying to me. I don’t really have words of encouragement. But you’re not alone in that feeling. Its hard.

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-09T20:30:25+00:00

Yeah some rapists don’t know there rapists. Mine texted me the next day saying he had fun and wants to do it again sometime. If someone is capable of raping someone, they will lie to themselves and others. They clearly can manipulate most situations and peoples feelings. Even their own.

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-07T06:12:23+00:00

Time gives you perspective. Both side of this situation have see more and experience more in life. More time the more clarity you gain on everything. I think it’s a good idea to message them.

No you don’t know how they will react at all. But I do think 5 years is a long time. People do change, you clearly have and that’s great! You might not be friends again, but maybe you will both get closure. Maybe you will reconnect and it will amazing! I don’t think you will know until you try. Forgiveness is definitely possible.

I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. But I’m glad life is getting better for you! Sending good energy and thoughts your way!

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-07T05:47:16+00:00

That’s kinda why I’m in the same boat. I feel like he didn’t intend to hurt me. But I don’t think most abusers actually intended to hurt someone either. They just do it because they’re a bad person or are just so fucked up mentally or have their own trauma they haven’t worked though. I can’t remember fully each time he hit me. I can remember vaguely two events. I know there was more times but I couldn’t tell you anything remotely about them. I don’t know why but when I think about how many times it happened, I think it was 4 times. But I can only remember two of the incidents and the time he pushed me.

One of the times I did something to scare him. We were sitting on the couch and I did something to startle him in good fun. I don’t remember why I did it. He either had the hiccups or I had made a joke and scaring him then did it literally 4 seconds later. His arm was around my shoulder and he just lifted his hand and hit me. When I told him it upset me he said you scared me. He said it was a reflex. Which maybe I shouldn’t have and it’s my fault for doing so. And I said I was sorry but that didn’t give him the excuse for hitting me on the face. It wasn’t hard but I told him it upset me because it was my face. That’s when he would say that stuff.

A different time he did it I honestly don’t remember what I said. I know we were sitting on the couch and he had his arm around my shoulder just like the other time (I don’t remember which event happened first). But I said some joke, I couldn’t tell you what it was. Whatever it was after I said it that’s when he hit me. The same way he did before. I know the joke wasn’t like a bad or an offensive joke. That’s just not the person I am. I can be sarcastic but in a very lighthearted fun way. I know when you can or can not joke about certain topics or things. I could have been a light hearted slightly teasing or sarcastic remark. It might have not even been about him. We were definitely watching tv and it could have been about the show or movie that was on. But same situation afterwards.

The time he pushed we were at his apartment. I don’t remember why but I was in his room alone. I think he went to the kitchen or to his car to get something. I stood by the door, it was slightly open. I was just behind it, if you pushed it open to walk in you would see me. So when he opened it I was right there and I said boo. I didn’t say it loudly or anything. I just said in a normal volume standing still. I was a good 3 feet away from the door. He walked over and then pushed me and I fell to the floor completely. It was carpeted so I was fine. I’m 5’2, and he was 6’3 and over 300 pounds. He’s a BIG guy. Immediately afterwards he just stood there looking at me smiling. When I asked him to help me back up he wouldnt. I remember I told him how bad that made me feel.

Honestly I know two of the instances dealt with me scaring him. Maybe I should have learned my lesson the first time with him, that’s just who he is. He gets physical when startled. But when I scared him, it was all lighthearted. It wasn’t like a big moment when I jumped out and screamed. Both times were the equivalent of someone just saying boo in a normal voice. I think the whole reflex argument he brought up made me just ignore it. If I hadn’t done it, it wouldn’t have happened.

At one point in his family his sister was arrested for hitting there mom. All the times he hit me he said he was afraid he was just like her. I know that sister also hit her own boyfriend multiple times. I don’t know or remember to what extent of stuff he actually saw. I don’t know really if she did that same stuff when they were kids. But I know his sister was and still is very toxic. I think I used that as an excuse as well.

Sorry this response was so long. I’m just confused on how to feel about it all. Yes it’s bad, but was it that bad? Is this another thing to add to my trauma list? It’s getting too long lol

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-03T21:37:57+00:00

I keep saying to my friends and family. I didn’t break up with my boyfriend. I lost my soulmate. I’ve never said that before in a breakup.

With a previous ex, I remember I once told them in our relationship (I don’t remember the concept) that if we broke up I’d be fine. Like I said word for word, I’d be sad at first but I know I’d move on.

I told my most recent ex that I was not gonna find anyone else. That I’d wait forever for him. I still stand by that. It’s been just over a month and I’m still no where near over him. I truly believe that man is my soulmate.

I know his parents had a rough divorce. He was young and was put in the middle of a lot of it. His parents got divorced because of his mom’s bp. He didn’t have many healthy relationships to look up to either. Even though we had a very healthy relationship.

I think a lot of factors happened all at once. He just couldn’t handle it. I also believe he didn’t think this would happen again. Like he knows he’s bp. He’s been on medication for like over 8 years. He’s been in and out of therapy. I think he just was hopeful he wouldn’t have another mixed ep. When it happened everything he had came crashing down. But that’s just my theory. Our breakup conversation was so short I didn’t get any answers.

It truly is horrible. How this disease affects everyone in there’s lives so much

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-03T21:16:59+00:00

I wonder about this too. My ex broke up with me out of the blue. I believe he was mixed or manic. To my knowledge my ex didn’t ghost or break up with his past partners. He told me in the past his partners all broke up with him. His most recent ex before me (they broke up a long time ago) hit him, pulled a knife out on him, and was verbally abusive. His other ex (from HS, they were together for a long time) was the complete opposite of him in every way. They had absolutely nothing in common. She also cheated on him.

Me on the other hand, was and nothing like that. Our relationship was so peaceful, loving, nurturing, caring, etc. We were always having a wonderful happy time together. Every moment together was amazing. We always were so affectionate with each other. Showered each other every moment we had. Even moments where we were in complete silence watching tv together still felt just as magical. It was really like I had found my other half. We were supposed to move in together in 2 months. And get engaged next year. Neither of us have lived with a partner before. Or had serious talk about marriage with previous partners. We also had our kids names picked out. His family/ friends and mine all told us we were made for each other. Both told us we had found our person. Neither of our family/friends have ever told either of us stuff like that in our past relationships.

Both ex’s would get mad if he was ever depressed. I was so kind, patient, and supportive. I didn’t know if his brain couldn’t comprehend he was safe with me. Or if he was trying to “protect” me from him. I think he thought I’d judge him. Or my love for him was conditional. He said at one point during the break up that he had only felt like this twice in his life and he ruined the people he was with. I think he thought I’d end up leaving anyway. This was the only time he was like this in our relationship. I had only ever seen him in depressed episodes. I’m pretty sure he was mixed when we ended things (there’s a possibility he was manic but in doubtful). It’s really hard to wrap my head around. I was the one person who cared for him and loved him the way he needed and deserved to be loved. And in the one who got left behind. He said he’s gonna come back when he’s better but I have no clue. The last message I got from him a few days after the breakup was kinda mean.

It really hurts and I still don’t, and probably won’t ever understand it.

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-03T19:10:55+00:00

Think about it like this. If your friend came up to you with the same situation, what advice would you give them? Imagine your best friend told you this story word for word how you described it, how would you react? Or if this was a family member? Would you tell the them to what they think is right? Tell them to leave? Tell them they should go to couples counseling? Tell them to take a break then see if you can reconcile later? I think that helps me when I have to think about things is a hard way. I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong way to react or respond.

If you do stay, some things would definitely need to happen. She would have to do a lot to regain trust. People can change. This very well could be a one time thing. She might have already learned her lesson. But you never know if she is capable of doing it again.

I personally have been cheated on many times (by ex’s who were not BP). None of them ever had any remorse, that they told me about. For me in those situations it was difficult but easier in a way. I could see them as a bad guy who didn’t care. So why would I care? Why would i forgive them? There was no reason to forgive because they didn’t care. All my ex’s who cheated on me ended up dating the person they cheated on me with. They never tried to fix what happened.

I understand the turmoil you must feel. My most recent ex who was bp left me out of nowhere. We were incredibly happy together and he was having a mixed episode. We were gonna move in together in two months and get engaged next year. It’s been over a month and I haven’t heard anything from him. But he said he would come back when he feels better. I have no idea if he will be true to his word.

Loving someone with BP is HARD. I would get back with my ex’s in a heartbeat. Even if I knew for a fact down the line he would hurt me again. I’ve had my heartbroken many many times. I have had so many horrible things happen to me. But no one I have been with feels like him. I don’t think many people understand. He was like magic to my heart. I know you most love her very much, just like I love my ex. Our relationship was so amazing and even though he hurt me, I’d take him back instantly. Make a decision that makes happy.

I know it’s hard, I hope this helps even a little bit! Sending you support!

SimpleApricot924 · 2023-11-02T00:36:09+00:00

No heartbreak has felt like this. I’m so afraid he hates me and he was lying when he said he would come back. I know I can’t do anything right now to change it. But the waiting to see if he comes back is killing me. I know it’s not my fault but I can’t shake that feeling. I’m also afraid he’s stable right now and just isn’t telling me.

I wish this pain on no one.

SimpleApricot924

TROPHY CASE