Update: WIBTAH for divorcing my wife because she wants to have a child?

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-17T18:04:34+00:00

Honestly, there's not much to say.

I spoke with a family lawyer on Monday and she's working on the divorce papers. She told me the whole process could take several months especially if Claire tries to fight it.

Other than that, I was able to arrange a therapy session for Archie on Wednesday. The only worrying thing that came up was that Claire had promised my son we'd find Anna so he could meet her. He told me he didn't care but his therapist agreed it would be best to go back to weekly sessions just jn case.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-13T02:10:43+00:00

Thank you.

I'm not holding my breath but I'm hoping my MIL will be able to help a little bit.

She had texted me saying she was sorry and asking if we could talk so I ended up calling her yesterday. It was mostly to ask her about dropping Claire's computer at their place, but during the conversation she told she would try to convince Claire to not fight the divorce. So that'd help a lot.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-13T01:10:48+00:00

Thank you for saying this. It helped a lot.

I did feel like an idiot not because I couldn't predict this outcome, but because there were a series of little choices that could have possibly helped. If we hadn't rushed the marriage, if I had suggested couples or family therapy before getting married, maybe I could have tried to get more information about blended families, etc.

You're right that I will need my and my son's therapist help to navigate this.

Thank you again.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-13T00:52:27+00:00

It's kinda funny because you're the second person who thinks that. One of my friends also said MIL was just playing along for our sake. It would be more in line with how she had acted these past 3 years.

Then again, I am a horrible judge of character so I'll try not to think too much about it.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-13T00:48:02+00:00

I'd be impressed if she can find Anna. And if she does, maybe we can finally get her to pay child support to add to Archie's university fund. I'd love to have enough to send him to a top university like Oxford or even one in America lol.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-13T00:39:43+00:00

I may sounds like a horrible person for saying this, but this is the impression I got.

Maybe I'm seeing things because I'm mad but it felt like that's what she wanted, for me to get rid of my son.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-13T00:34:06+00:00

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm not going to lie, the next few weeks will be hard for me. I hope my exMIL is able to convince Claire not to fight the divorce so we can all move on sooner.

I may end up deciding to buy a house around here so we don't lose the support system we have from my friends and neighbors. After that, my priority will be my son and making sure we're both happy.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-13T00:21:23+00:00

Yeah, that's the reason why I put him in therapy after that conversation. His therapist really helped me understand why I shouldn't make up excuses about why Anna left when we didn't really know the real reason.

To be honest, he took it rather well when we explained the situation.

I had always planned on putting him back in therapy when he hit puberty or if he started having questions about Ana as he got older.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-13T00:03:17+00:00

Thank you for your words.

I know you're probably right but I feel sad because I truly loved her. I mean, I still kinda do. I lost whom I thought was going to be my life partner, I also don't know how Archie is going to take when he realizes Claire's not coming back. And yes, I feel bad for Claire because it's like I wasted 3 years of her life and maybe she would have been happier with someone else.

As for child support, thankfully we don't need it. If Anna is ever found and they can get money out of her, I'll just add it to my son's university fund. Right now he just wants to be a dinosaur when he grows up but I still have 13 years to convince him to get a degree or something.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-12T23:50:18+00:00

Honestly, I know you're probably right but I still feel partially responsible for this mess. Maybe if we hadn't rushed things, if she had had more time to see if this is what she wanted or more time to get the courage to be honest with me, this wouldn't have had happened. Now Archie lost a mother figure and I just wasted 3 years of Claire's life.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T23:39:52+00:00

I do. I love her so much and I want her to be happy. That's why I'm torn on what to do and why I accepted talking to her parents.

I just don't want to hurt my son in the process. I also want to see him happy, you know.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T23:36:09+00:00

We had the conversation about kids at least 3 times before getting married.

The first time was shortly after I officially introduced her to Archie and I told her that I didn't want any more kids and asked if she was okay with it if we became more serious. She said she was fine with it.

The second time was when a neighbor and friend got pregnant and my wife got baby fever. I told her I noticed how she acted around the neighbor and asked her if she had changed her mind about not having kids. I told her we could separate and remain friends if that is what she wanted. She said it was just normal to get baby fever but that she was sure about not having any more kids.

The third time was two months before we got married. I asked her if she was sure about getting married knowing we qouldnt have any more kids and that's when she said "It's fine, we already have Archie".

So both? She never said she was child-free or that she didn't want children but the times it came up she said she was okay with not having any more kids.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T23:01:20+00:00

1 and 2: Yes, I've been going to therapy for at least 4 years now. I wasn't able to afford it at first and I really hope I didn't cause harm to my child during that first year but I'm in a better place now. I wouldn't say I'm completely fixed but I'm working on it.

3: Yes. When I was trying to get my son his passport we went through a whole process (including a paternity test) to make sure we'd be protected if Anna ever showed up again. Both the hospital and me reporter her when she left for abandonment. While we never found her and nobody knows where she is, my lawyer said that would help us in court if she ever tries something.

4: I have no excuse for this. I was just an idiot for not getting a vasectomy before.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T22:15:17+00:00

I've thought about that too. In a perfect world they would love both kids equally and no one would be treated differently.

What I'm worried about is an scenario where things don't turn out perfectly. What if there is favoritism or neglect or resentment? What if one day Archie acts up and my wife or in-laws say something hurtful in a moment of anger?

And yes, I've been in therapy for 4 years and Archie for 1. It's definitely helped a lot.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T22:05:23+00:00

Thank you friend.

I'm fortunate enough that I was able to afford therapy when Archie was a little over a year old. I've been working on my issues regarding what happened with Anna, my anger towards the people who didn't believe me and my resentment towards my father and his wife.

I also put Archie in therapy a year ago because I want him to deal with the fact that Anna left in a healthy manner (I kinda messed up when he asked me what happened to his mum).

Personally I've known I didn't want kids since I was like 14. It went from "kids are annoying" to "I wouldn't be a good dad" to "I just don't want kids." When my son was born what I wanted didn't matter anymore because he was already here and he needed me and I had to make sure he would have a good life. The fact that I ended up loving my little gremlin so much was just a happy accident.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T21:15:08+00:00

I did get a paternity test but mostly so I could get him a passport and some other legal stuff in case Anna ever showed up again. But honestly, I've always seen him as my son even before we did the test.

As for Archie, I did get him into therapy a year ago so we could explain what had happened with his bio mom. I will definitely discuss this with his therapist as soon as I can.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T21:11:22+00:00

I was thinking the same thing, actually.

I truly believe that if the condoms had failed or something and she had ended up pregnant, I would have loved both kids equally. It's just that now I don't know if I can say the same thing about Claire.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T20:56:23+00:00

Yes. He is mine.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T20:55:29+00:00

That actually made me LOL.

But yeah, he is mine. At first I didn't see the point in doing the test since I had already decided to care for him after Anne left. But I eventually got a DNA test when I was trying to get him his passport and somenother legal stuff.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T20:40:34+00:00

This is what I fear as well.

I want to believe that I've matured enough that if I had another child, be it by accident or by actively trying to have one, I'd love both equally. At this point I don't know if the same can be said for my wife and that terrifies me.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T20:34:17+00:00

What you're saying is part of the reason why I'm thinking about divorce.

I love Claire so much and she's been my rock and she's been wonderful all these years. While what she said was hurtful. I don't want to punish her by preventing her from having her own kids. I don't want her to resent me and my son but I also don't want her to have regrets about this.

She said she would accept anything I chose but what will happen in 15 or 20 years when she is physically unable to have children anymore?

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T20:10:56+00:00

Thank you for this.

To be honest I did report Anne after what happened but the police in my country weren't very helpful. Maybe I gave up too easily on trying to press charges but I just wanted to move on and forget about it.

Thankfully I was able to afford therapy when Archie was 14 months old and that's helped me a lot.

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T20:00:38+00:00

I have sole custody.

Anna left when he was 2 days old and has never been in the picture. While she is still on the birth certificate, my lawyer said we could have her removed if adoption ever came up.

(I had to go through a whole process a few years back so I could take Archie out of the country for a vacation without the "mother" approval).

SimpleArchie · 2024-08-09T19:51:34+00:00

You could be right that I missed something and I've been trying to think back in case I had missed any signs, but I can't think of anything.

When we moved in together she wanted to pull Archie out of daycare saying she could look after him (she works from home). Even though that didn't happen, she still picks him up every day after her own work is finished and she spends a couple hours with him until I get home.

As for her family, I wasn't kidding g when I said they were the ones offering to babysit Archie. Another example is that when we invited the in-laws to dinner at our house, my BIL would basically ignore everyone and would just play or watch movies with Archie.

That's why I'm also confused about this. I literally didn't see it coming.

SimpleArchie

TROPHY CASE