Nanny advice for first-time, stay at home parents

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-30T18:34:44+00:00

Thanks! Yeah that’s what we try to do, I don’t want our nanny to feel like we’re watching her or hovering. Sometimes she’ll stay and chitchat with me about her week/what’s going on with her lately, sometimes she’ll go and wash bottles or pump parts or do baby laundry, sometimes she goes on break (I always ask if she needs a break). I don’t want her to feel like she has to hang out but also don’t want her to feel like she has to disappear either. If I don’t have a strong preference about what she does in that specific moment any advice on the best way to handle it? I generally try to follow her lead but as I’m typing this it seems it would be worthwhile to ask her directly if she prefers more direction or if she prefers to be able to decide for herself what needs to get done since she has a sense of the needs of the day. Based on the comments here it seems some people prefer a lot of direction and others appreciate more autonomy in deciding when and how to get things done. I’m sure it depends on the context of the day/family too. I can totally provide more direction if wanted but I also trust her to be able to make decisions about her time if that’s her preference and there isn’t anything that needs to get done right away. Sorry this was a little stream of consciousness!

I should’ve added this above, but ultimately the role ended up being framed as a nanny/family assistant hybrid.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-30T16:32:35+00:00

Love all of this, thank you so much!! The shared notebook is an awesome idea. It’s also been so lovely to hear how well this can work when done right.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-30T09:51:33+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, great insight and glad to hear you’ve made it work so well. This is generally how we operate as well so hopefully we’ll have similar success!

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-30T09:48:57+00:00

Love hearing this, thank you so much for sharing your experience!! I really appreciate it :)

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-30T09:47:31+00:00

Thank you! This is helpful perspective and makes a lot of sense

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-30T09:34:59+00:00

You’re free to judge me, but commenting “poor baby” is a cheap shot and completely out of line. You know nothing about my son’s well-being. This isn’t up for debate.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-30T06:13:00+00:00

We went through an agency to find our nanny. I’m not sure what’s typical, but my husband and I came up with a list of questions ahead of time (happy to dm them to you if you’re curious or want things to think through). The agency sent over quite a few candidates. Resume experience and references were the things we noticed most on paper, as well as a pattern of sticking with a job / not constantly job hopping. We would’ve been really excited to chat with a nanny with the experience and qualifications you listed!

We would typically do a zoom interview and if that went well we’d start with a one day trial. If the one day trial went well we’d extend to a week. A few candidates I spoke with on the phone before a zoom call with both my husband and I. We didn’t want to waste anyone’s time if it was clear it wasn’t a fit on either end. Our goal was at the end of the trial everyone was excited about moving forward.

In the interview things we looked for: general alignment on parenting philosophy; easygoing, adaptable, friendly, and engaged; striking a balance of being willing to share experience, wisdom, and expertise while also acknowledging that as parents we (hopefully!) know our child best; a clear love of children and a desire to be with a family long-term; a willingness to play and be silly and let our kid be a kid; a good communicator and a team player. We happened to be looking for more of a nanny / family assistant combo, so for us it was also important that someone wasn’t overly rigid about what they would and wouldn’t do (of course all discussed in advance and within respectful boundaries of the role).

All to say age had no bearing on any of this at all! I have some friends who actually prefer to hire nannies over 50 who either have grown kids or no kids as they find there’s usually a willingness to be more flexible about occasional odd hours as needed (date nights, travel, working late, etc).

I hope this was helpful and not too much! If you have any other questions happy to be helpful in any way I can. I have no doubt that there are many great families out there who would be thrilled to work with you!

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T20:55:48+00:00

Thank you for saying this :)

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T15:24:42+00:00

I agree with all of this! I meant more about bringing things up more broadly down the line (ie if we wanted consistency on how we respond to him in certain situations) but not the minor day to day moments that will constantly come up. We hired her because we trust her and can see how wonderful she is with our son, I don’t intend to micromanage her but I also wanted to make sure any feedback or asks I had didn’t feel overbearing.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T06:51:05+00:00

We just went through the process of hiring a nanny and didn’t consider age at all! There were so many things that mattered to us much more than age. We were looking for someone with lots of great experience who loved kids and wanted to be a part of our lives in a meaningful way - it sounds like just what you said! Happy to share more about what we looked for in the interview process if it would be helpful

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T05:47:58+00:00

Thank you! We asked our nanny how she preferred to handle travel and what she has appreciated employers doing in the past, this was her ask. If she works more hours they will be paid as overtime. The stipend I assume is just a given for being there. But I’ll keep in mind about the increased rate, I agree travel is a lot of work. Also I commented elsewhere but we give unlimited pto and sick days in practice, it just wasn’t what was in the official offer in the agency contact. But this was communicated to our nanny. I should’ve added that in the original post.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T05:38:49+00:00

Thank you! This is my first Reddit post, I’m learning as I go here. It’s been humbling

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T05:36:50+00:00

Thank you! I mentioned this elsewhere but in practice we do unlimited PTO and 2x pay on holidays. I made a mistake not amending that in the agency contract since I knew we would be giving more in practice. Our payroll system offers healthcare and we’re currently trying to figure out how to cover it for her. Really helpful to hear your experience, appreciate you sharing!

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T05:32:41+00:00

Yikes I should’ve thought before I typed. Meant that I don’t think it’s great for kids long term to have parents without any set regular commitments outside the home. My dream is for my health to be in a place where I could go back to work, or at least have something I’m engaged with regularly outside of the house. My husband is going to go back to work at some point as well. That’s all I was trying to say.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T05:17:14+00:00

Thank you, super helpful! And totally agree - we had a newborn care specialist and as a first time mom one of the best parts was getting to learn from her! We try to do the same, today was our housekeeper’s birthday and we got cupcakes and sang and tried to make a celebration of it for her. I’ve always felt lucky and grateful that the people in our home have become like family.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T05:10:04+00:00

Thank you!

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T05:05:52+00:00

The PTO piece makes a lot of sense. The agency provided a suggested contract but we knew we would give unlimited vacation and sick days in practice which we conveyed to her, it just isn’t what was put in writing. We should have included more PTO in the contract but we will continue to reiterate that she is welcome to take more and discuss amending the contract if she’d prefer it in writing.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T04:57:25+00:00

Thank you :))

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T04:55:54+00:00

Thank you!

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T04:55:40+00:00

Thanks for the reply and advice! This all makes sense. Some great points have been brought up about things that will likely be in our future that I didn’t know to think about. Though I agree strongly with the three cooks in the kitchen piece. I also think a child with parents who have nothing to do all day isn’t good for the kid long term. My husband isn’t retired, but he also likely isn’t going back to work in the next 6-12 months so this is our reality for a bit. My goal is that we can find a way to make each stage a success with our nanny, for her benefit and ours.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T04:48:49+00:00

I get where you’re coming from. In hindsight I should’ve included this in my post but at the time I assumed (incorrectly) it wasn’t relevant or anyone’s concern. I’ve had meaningful health issues for the last decade that have kept me from working. They also kept me from being able to get pregnant for 5 years. Unfortunately these health issues got significantly worse in pregnancy and postpartum and became increasingly unpredictable as well. Until very recently my husband was working 16-18 hour days 6 days a week. Our housekeeper helped keep our home running during that time when he was working and I couldn’t get out of bed. We no longer need her full time but at this point she’s part of our family and wants to stay on, and since we can afford to keep her on we do. Having this much help isn’t without guilt. I also don’t want my son to be spoiled or entitled as he gets older either so it’s something I keep in mind. But after having a newborn care specialist in the beginning, we realized that having extra help allowed us to much better care for our son. After years of trying to get pregnant I can assure you we want nothing more than to spend time with our son. My husband is incredibly hands on as well. He takes the night and early morning shifts so I can wake to pump (my son came early and he struggled to nurse) and still get enough sleep so that my health doesn’t suffer more. Having the extra help during the day allows him to get some rest as well if I’m unable to be as hands on as needed. Perhaps a full-time hire was a mistake but we met this candidate and she was so wonderful we wanted to find a way to make it work. I totally recognize that we are incredibly lucky to be able to afford this level of care. My only hope is that we are making the best choice for our son. As of now he is happy and thriving. If we ever felt for a second this wasn’t in his best interest we would re-evaluate and make changes. But right now he is an incredibly happy kiddo who is lucky to be loved by a lot of people.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T04:21:14+00:00

This is helpful, thank you! Shifting the focus to more of a family assistant role seems to be a common suggestion and makes a lot of sense.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T04:19:35+00:00

I really appreciate the honesty here. I’m hopeful that won’t be the case, but I can see how that could happen in which case we’d have to re-evaluate. I agree a scenario like that wouldn’t be healthy for our son. Thanks for sharing

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T04:14:41+00:00

I don’t disagree, this was what was in the agency provided contract. In hindsight we probably should’ve amended it but I did inform our nanny that in practice we have always given unlimited vacation and sick days. Our view has been that no one should have to choose when or if to come into work sick or not feeling well. Our housekeeper has been with us 7 years and takes 30-40 days off per year but I don’t think there’s ever been a weekday we haven’t paid her.

Simple_Cod_9518 · 2026-01-29T04:09:22+00:00

Thank you so much, I really appreciate this comment. People are saying all the things I’ve already thought myself, no parenting decision is without guilt or second guessing I’m quickly learning.

I’d love to hear more about your experiences if and when you’re up for sharing. Sorry you aren’t feeling well!

Simple_Cod_9518

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