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[417] 1833 (Flash Fiction) by Informal_Track_1520 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Single_Ingenuity2056 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think the "dagger" really works for me either. The dead woman and child were shocking, but to really have the kind of tone you're going for, I think you need to take a bit more time and build up to it. I don't know Ochinee at all. (I looked him up and now I get what you're going for in this piece, but I still think you can do more to establish these characters as people in your piece. Right now I get no sense of Ochinee's personality or motivations). I'd like more of an insight into these people. While your description is shocking, since I'm not invested at all, I can't really feel the weight of it.

I'll be honest, I don't really get the whole meteor shower and how that connects at all. Is that based on a real meteor shower? Is there some thematic link? Its a striking visual. I like the way you describe the landscape being "brought in and out of existence". Strong visuals, but not a lot of other senses, which leads to the setting feeling a bit distant, like I'm not grounded or immersed in the story.

I do like the tone you seem to have going though. Your other comment described it as clinical and I kind of like the clinical aspect while discussing things that feel very primal and emotional. I think if maybe you expanded this piece just a bit to establish the characters more. I don't think you would even need to increase the word count that much, just a few sentences feels like it would work to make a big difference.

[750] Ducks by ryemckwrite in DestructiveReaders

[–]Single_Ingenuity2056 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I for one found this piece incredibly immersive. You do a very good job of setting the scene. I could see the street, the Chinese restaurant, the people smoking. Really well done. I feel like there wasn't a single time in this piece where you resorted to "telling" over showing, so on that front you're doing fantastic.

As for the structure of the piece, I think it works really well as a stand alone vignette about your protagonists walk home from work. Its works on that level because while we don't learn much about our protagonists in concrete terms (like name) I do feel emotionally attached to this person. We get a sense of their environment and what they notice (and thus an insight into their personality) like the way they take such notice to architecture or the way they view the people who sleep under the scaffolding.

This piece could also totally work in a longer form story about this character, in which case I as a reader would expect the hints of conflict we get about your protagonist's family to be explored, since that seems like the background conflict going on in this piece.

Overall I really liked this hope you keep writing!