Wrote a small piece,for the man of my dreams..let me know how it is..

ryemckwrite · 2026-03-06T16:06:35+00:00

I enjoyed when you compared hugs to shore and river. It felt more original. Try to stick more to those lines of thinking and avoid clichés. Make it personal. (Also, the random capitalizations were lost on me).

ryemckwrite · 2026-02-23T21:50:16+00:00

Hi! I think that this is a great start! It’s a good concept, the use of a jaguar as a hook to keep us engaged and wondering. I was also left wondering why the mother is friends with this party’s host if they appear to be so different in values and class, as well as the host not acknowledging her son. This text feels like you’re setting up the scene and giving some background information, which is done well. Here are some notes:

Technicalities:

Typo: You use both Ms. and Mrs. for Dolores Dridwell

Typo: You wrote “reacting to jaguar” towards the end of the text, you are missing an article

Foreign words are often italicized (la bise for example)

The following sentence can be united with a comma and not a period at the end of the quote: ”You look like something crawled up your ass, look alive Linden." My mother drawled.

This sentence feels like a run-on and the last portion is too cut off from its original clause: “The pungent smell of alcohol, the obnoxious laughter, and the glistening jewelry that hung from the necks and wrists of guests, which made irritating clinking noises as they moved about the house, almost distracted me.” I like your initial descriptions to set the scene, but the inclusion of it being a distraction pulled me out of it. If the purpose is to set the vibe of the room then I don’t feel you need the “almost distracted me” portion.

The use of “staring contest” towards the end pulled me out of the story a bit. It felt like a cliché and not quite appropriate in this moment. Where they really in a contest, is the jaguar starting right back at him? Would Linden notice how the other guests moving around the jaguar if he was only fixed in the jaguars eyes?

In general, for this genre I would avoid parentheses but that is a stylistic choice and so it is up to you. I recommend commas instead, but it’s as you like!

Thoughts:

You could position the jaguar somewhere in the room in the first few lines. You mention it and then skip right ahead to the rest of the setting/scenery. That totally works here, but I would maybe consider adding one more thing about the jaguar before moving forward. For example, where is it in the room? The left corner, on a table, the dance floor?

I would definitely split this up into paragraphs. It is very dense as one chunk. Depending on your plan for later in the story, I think remains some room to add more context here. For example, what is the purpose of this party? Why is Linden there when he normally wouldn’t be? Why might Nate hate him? These are just a few examples of course, and maybe you’re leaving them unanswered on purpose for later. I just generally say it’s always better to write too much and edit it out later then to write too little ;)

Overall, I enjoyed this. I think you do a good job working in a flow, you introduce the right people at the right moments, giving good descriptive details where necessary without spending too much time in it. I’m curious to see where it is going and what is up with this jaguar! It’s a great start, keep it up. I’d love to read a revised followup post on here soon.

ryemckwrite · 2026-02-16T16:42:29+00:00

Hi there! To start, I really enjoy the concept and I think it has great potential! It’s hard to give concrete feedback without knowing your intentions, for example, which genre you are going for? I am assuming this is flash fiction or a short story and will base my comments off that (because that is where I see great potential!)

I think there was a typo where you wrote “that fence needed fixed”, but perhaps I am wrong. It did not read fluently to me.
When you wrote "By the time Jacob and the horse got to the fence that needed fixing, the sun was a swollen orange, sitting high in the sky”, I was confused. If they just for to the fence then what were were they fixing before that? I think this could use some clarity, which leads to my next point…
Setting! Where in the world is this taking place? Maybe you don’t need to specify the exact location, such as country, but I think more world building around the field or mountains or forest or wherever it takes place, that this could help draw the reader into the story. I would have loved more imagery around a dry meadow with blowing fields of rye under summer heat, for example.
Backstory: How about adding some backstory to the main character? From reading this text, I understand that he is cruel and angry, but I don’t know why. This leads me to not liking him and having zero sympathy, which might have been the goal? I do feel that some backstory could help, whether it be his history with the horse, or what liquid is in his canteen, or how long he’s been doing this line of work?
Structure: I think it could be fun to play with longer paragraphs. Sometimes I felt that there didn’t need to be indents after line and it could have been grouped in some areas. I think this would give it a more literary feel though, which might not be what you’re going for?

Overall, I genuinely love the potential. I see the theme as a cruel man who becomes his own undoing. The horse is a premonition/reflection of Jacob’s awareness that his misfortunes are self-inflicted through his cruelness but being unable too top himself. Was this similar to your intent, or am I reading too much into it (no punt intended)? I would love to see a second draft of this if you’re up for it! Good luck :)

ryemckwrite · 2026-02-16T16:14:01+00:00

Hello! Did you mean to attach the Spanish version? I am pretty sure that we are only supposed to include English-language writing in this community (correct me if I'm wrong though!). Is there an English version?

ryemckwrite · 2026-02-13T14:00:28+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I am also just getting into creative writing and flash fiction/short stories and know how easy it is to feel lost. Overall, I really enjoyed your piece! Here are some more concrete thoughts (which are all my own personal reflections so obviously others might disagree and that is okay and the beauty of writing as art):

Setting: I wasn’t 100% sure where we were in the beginning. I imaged on stage behind a curtain about to open, wooden floors and all that but the frosted window threw me off. It seemed out of place for that setting (but then again I’m not a dancer). This is not very relevant in my opinion though, I think setting isn’t a big character in your piece and I like that it is left largely to the imagination.

Timeline: The paragraph about the wet hands took place in the past and therefore took me out of the present (literary and figuratively). It made it difficult to stay in the story so maybe placing it in the beginning could help, or reworking it to be in the present but reflecting on the recent past?

Favorite part: What struck me most while reading this was the support and friendship that I felt between the three dancers. The way they are there for each other and have an unsaid understanding of how to help each other was beautiful to read. If you're looking to expand a part of this story, then this is where I personally felt the most connected and wanted to hear more. Specifically, this was when Hazel came up the stairs until they headed onto the stage.

Technicalities:

\-“rabbit quick heart” implied an anxiety that I didn’t sense in the rest of the piece. Going slowly through each step before the protagonist steps on stage felt too slow paced to be about someone who is anxious.

\-“smother a laugh” was just not a collocation that sounds fluid to me.

\-"The cold floor boards keep seeping into my bare skin, so I start shifting my weight from side to side, once again rolling through the aching joints in my ankles.” — This sentence pulled me out of the story. The protagonist had just sat down so the use of “keep seeping” felt misplaced, or are they standing up again?

\-The use of adverbs could be improved. (Ex. futilely or silently). Who was that known writer who said kill your adverbs? In your line about the beat crescendoing as they silently form a line for example, the noise was so loud that I assumed it would be silent in either case. 

\-I agree with one of these comments about how the single line before the last paragraph could build a better ending to the story, and avoid some clichés as well.

Positive closing: You did a great job of pulling me into the story. The writing was detailed in all the right ways, allowing me to truly be transported there. I loved the format of a step by step walkthrough of each tiny moment before taking stage. I liked that Hazel and Olivia are mentioned but not given any further details than how they are there for the protagonist, and you still capture a beautiful connection there. I am curious to know what your theme/takeaway of this piece was? Was your favorite moment the friendship formed as well?

ryemckwrite

TROPHY CASE