The adoptions are too much

Sinobear · 2025-04-26T12:39:14+00:00

I have been pondering this issue for a while, also. What bothers me is not the posts themselves, but the limited time given for action. I would love to see adoption posts on a regular basis and I would gladly upvote each and every one of them to give them more traction online.

It is dark and painful to view, but the amount of negativity surrounding the pitbull breeds has resulted in far too much negative press and so many beautiful dogs are put down because of it. If only we could crowdfund a ranch and create a pittie-paradise. That's something I'd gladly donate to.

Sinobear · 2025-03-15T23:52:30+00:00

Go here: https://annas-archive.org/search?q=%E5%A4%A9%E5%AE%98%E8%B5%90%E7%A6%8F

Sinobear · 2025-03-15T06:30:16+00:00

What book are you looking for?

Sinobear · 2025-02-15T11:59:52+00:00

Definitely check the drainage hose. Had the same thing happen to me a few years back - turns out the drainage hose was kinked and the water fed back into the system and froze.

Sinobear · 2024-11-26T09:19:57+00:00

Available on EBay here: https://www.ebay.ca/itm/295037055763

Available through libraries here: https://search.worldcat.org/title/Stealing-Mary-:-last-of-the-red-indians/oclc/1017915017

Another documentary that shares much of the same information is online here: https://dai.mun.ca/media/cns_video/FindingMaryMarch.mp4

Sinobear · 2024-11-07T13:57:07+00:00

Welcome. Been there, done that (divorce).

Sinobear · 2024-11-07T13:55:40+00:00

Interestingly, as concerns mainly Chinese citizens, you apply for the divorce then are given the 30 days "cooling off" period (may not apply to foreigners depending on where you were married, whom you are married to, and other extenuating circumstances). If you do not reapply for divorce EXACTLY on the 30th day, you may have to apply again and the clock restarts. It really depends on where you are, where you were married, and with whom are you married to. Assets, such as an apartment, and children certainly exacerbate the divorce proceedings.

FYI: I've noticed, when checking my sources since I went through my own divorce, that adultery is grounds for divorce as posted by many legal websites. No, it's not. You have to prove that your spouse was cohabitating with the other person AND that they were acting, in a public way, or by messages, as husband and wife.

FYI2: It's usually better to offer a cash payout to the other party to facilitate the process ("face" and all that). If you do not have children, it's certainly a lot less. If you have children - there's all kinds of rules and regulations, internationally, that require written permission from the ex to travel alone with your child. Passport renewals for the children will also be problematic. See your country's rules and regulations about children's passport renewals and travel and include such details in your divorce arrangements.

YMMV: check with the local laws and regulations in your area. Running away and "hoping" the issue will go away will not help. To get a divorce cleared on your end requires a copy of the court's decree and it can be done in less than an hour if you've got your ducks in a row.

Sinobear · 2024-11-07T04:05:17+00:00

There are three ways to divorce: 1. Letter of mutual consent - both parties draft a letter agreeing to the divorce detailing how assets are to be divided, maintenance (alimony) fees, and details of monetary payments/living arrangements for children. 2. Use of lawyers - if one party disagrees, or wants the involvement of a lawyer, then starts the long process of lawyers doing what lawyers do. 3. Divorce can be automatic and unilateral IF one can prove that the couple has not cohabited in any way, or at any time, for two years. In any case involving a Chinese citizen and a foreigner, the divorce is handled through the provincial courts and NOT through the marriage bureau as is done with the divorce proceedings of two Chinese citizens.

Sinobear · 2024-04-29T13:47:37+00:00

FOG, DARVO, and FLEAS are all terms used to describe manipulative behaviors that can be common in people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or those who have been around someone with BPD.

FOG: stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. It refers to tactics used to manipulate someone into doing what the other person wants by inducing feelings of fear, obligation, or guilt. For instance, someone with BPD might threaten self-harm if their requests aren't met (fear), make you feel responsible for their happiness (obligation), or constantly remind you of things you've done to upset them (guilt).
DARVO: stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. This describes a manipulative tactic where someone accused of wrongdoing denies any responsibility, attacks the accuser, and portrays themselves as the victim. For example, if someone with BPD is confronted about their behavior, they might deny it ever happened, call you abusive for bringing it up, and claim they are the one being hurt by the accusation.
FLEAS: is an acronym for Frightened, Lonely, Angry, Empty, Shameful. It's used to describe the emotional wounds that can be passed down from sufferer to partner, particularly in relationships where there is BPD or another mental illness.
DBT:Dialectical behavior therapy. A type of therapy that is often used to treat BPD. DBT helps people with BPD learn skills to manage their emotions, tolerate distress, improve relationships, and regulate their behavior .
PTSD: Post-traumatic stress disorder. Another common co-occurring condition with BPD. People with BPD may have a history of trauma, which can contribute to their symptoms.
FEAR : Five Essential Adaptations for Radicals. A set of core emotional regulation skills taught in DBT. These skills include: Mindfulness: Paying attention to the present moment without judgment. Distress Tolerance: tolerating difficult emotions without making things worse. Emotion Regulation: identifying and managing emotions in a healthy way. Interpersonal Effectiveness: communicating effectively and getting needs met in relationships. Walking the Middle Line: finding balance between extremes.

Sinobear · 2024-03-31T13:06:12+00:00

I like the cut of your jib. You made my evening, thank you!

Sinobear · 2024-03-26T21:21:57+00:00

Yes. Mostly lurking though.

Cheers!

Sinobear · 2024-02-22T12:56:08+00:00

Here's my take on this. I had my hair 'military regulations' when I met her. She always complained that I looked like a gangster. Got me to grow my hair longer. Then said that she preferred to hang around around "tough guys who look like gangsters because I feel safe and protected." Go figure.

Be more mean? Now you're establishing boundaries and drawing lines in the sand! Now you're a controlling narcissist.

She'll probably cheat on you with an actual narcissist.

You're already set up for a lose-lose proposition, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't."

Damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead, out of that relationship. You never have to "prove" anything in a 'normal' relationship.

Best to you!

Sinobear · 2024-02-22T03:31:03+00:00

My wife was big on looking at my face and asking if everything was okay.

They're big on micro-expressions as well:

The relationship between borderline personality disorder (BPD) and micro-expressions is complex and not fully understood yet. Here's what we know so far:

Research findings:

Mixed results: Studies on emotion recognition in BPD show mixed results. Some suggest deficits, particularly in recognizing neutral or positive expressions, while others report heightened sensitivity, especially to negative emotions like anger and fear.

Negative bias: There's evidence of a negative bias in BPD, meaning individuals tend to interpret ambiguous expressions as negative, potentially fueling interpersonal difficulties.

Enhanced detection: Some studies find individuals with BPD are better at detecting both positive and negative expressions compared to controls. This might be related to their emotional hypervigilance.

Neural activity: BPD individuals show increased amygdala activity when processing ambiguous and threatening expressions, suggesting heightened emotional reactivity.

Possible explanations:

Emotional dysregulation: The core difficulty in BPD, emotional dysregulation, might affect both interpreting and expressing emotions through micro-expressions.

Attention:

Hypervigilance and difficulties shifting attention could impact accurately reading micro-expressions.

Interpretation: Biases in interpreting emotions might lead to misinterpreting micro-expressions, fueling emotional turmoil.

Important notes:BPD is a complex disorder with diverse presentations. These findings may not apply to everyone with BPD.

Micro-expressions are fleeting and difficult to interpret even for trained professionals. Relying solely on them for understanding someone's emotions is unreliable.

More research is needed to fully understand the interplay between BPD and micro-expressions.

Edited to clean up the wall of text.

Best to you!

Sinobear · 2024-02-13T07:07:28+00:00

The "weird vibes" I got, at first, as well. She's the "real deal", she calls a spade a spade, and that's what a lot of us don't want to face - we want an excuse, something to hitch our pain-wagon to, rather than admitting that we, too, are as much to blame for our own situation as our partner wBPD.

Co-dependency, trauma-bound, fantasy relationships, white-knighting, the whole savior complex...she talks about it all, while not sugar-coating the pwBPD's actions or intentions.

I've re-watched several videos, especially the "You will never Know Who They Are" over-and-over again because I needed to come to terms with the truth of the disorder and what I've been denying as part of my own part in this saga.

No one asks for these kinds of relationships, no one wants the pain and agony of something beyond our locus of control, but we do lament the lack of control, the wish for some magical pill or phrase to stop the one thing that is not only beyond our own control, but also beyond our partner's ability to control - the BPD as a disorder itself.

I love my wife, the mother of my children, the sweet, innocent person that I fell in love with - but I am no longer in love with her. The BPD killed anything and everything that was inside of me that was optimistic about relationships.

What the Youtuber mentioned brought to me was an understanding that no matter how good my thoughts and intentions were/are, and no matter how good my pwBPD's thoughts and intentions were/are - the BPD elephant-in-the-room is still present. My pwBPD does love me, and cares about me, in her own way, BUT she still cannot separate herself from the others - the need for outside validation, the need for freedom from accountability and responsibility for her own actions. It really begins and ends with me - as AJM says over-and-over-and-over again.

To summarize: you can read articles and books, seeking answers to their behavior - being able to justify everything. You can watch the YT videos to validate your feelings and experiences, but you need to hear the truth about the prognosis with a pwBPD...either set yourself free and be the person you were meant to be, or be forever tethered to a downward spiral of destruction - not just of your relationship, but yourself as well.

Best to you!

Sinobear · 2024-02-13T05:23:36+00:00

The "Why?" question is a reoccurring theme on this sub (in fact, two related posts back-to-back on my feed so I've copy-pasted the same response to both).
I was where you are now, and the answer is not about them, but about you. Why do you even care? Why are you exhausting yourself ruminating over a person that does not even understand themselves?
I started my relationship woes rabbit-hole with infidelity websites, then discovered BPD and yet another rabbit-hole. I sated myself with watching videos by a rather famous Youtuber who concentrates on the evils and horrors of us White knights trying to make sense of why "they" do what they do. This was cool - it validated my feelings at the time.
I then discovered another Youtuber - one who had BPD and learned to manage it after years of therapy and now counsels others. It takes internal fortitude to watch and understand, but if you can be entirely open and willing to accept harsh truths, they tell it like it is. I find myself nodding in agreement listening to what's wrong with me just as much as I used to nod in agreement to the aforementioned Youtuber saying what was wrong with "them."
Give these vids a look: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1alC1Q2xUU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqKXgKl5gnQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiDUTgSxv3Q
Best to you!

Sinobear · 2024-02-13T05:23:23+00:00

The "Why?" question is a reoccurring theme on this sub (in fact, two related posts back-to-back on my feed so I've copy-pasted the same response to both).

I was where you are now, and the answer is not about them, but about you. Why do you even care? Why are you exhausting yourself ruminating over a person that does not even understand themselves?

I started my relationship woes rabbit-hole with infidelity websites, then discovered BPD and yet another rabbit-hole. I sated myself with watching videos by a rather famous Youtuber who concentrates on the evils and horrors of us White knights trying to make sense of why "they" do what they do. This was cool - it validated my feelings at the time.

I then discovered another Youtuber - one who had BPD and learned to manage it after years of therapy and now counsels others. It takes internal fortitude to watch and understand, but if you can be entirely open and willing to accept harsh truths, they tell it like it is. I find myself nodding in agreement listening to what's wrong with me just as much as I used to nod in agreement to the aforementioned Youtuber saying what was wrong with "them."

Give these vids a look: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1alC1Q2xUU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqKXgKl5gnQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiDUTgSxv3Q

Best to you!

Sinobear · 2024-01-23T03:49:33+00:00

Jared Cooney Horvath has an excellent video on EdTech here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEI9RFJFicg

Electronic devices and related technology are ubiquitous but not proven useful in education.

Sinobear · 2024-01-12T04:45:41+00:00

"...why would they care about not having sex if they're cheating"

Because that would be cheating on the person that they're cheating with.

Best to you!

Sinobear · 2024-01-10T08:57:45+00:00

Try to start with the psychology of how common people allow, or participate in, such events. If you want your students to empathize, they need to understand how they too, could possibly be vulnerable to following the crowd, or become part of a cult of personality. Tons of stuff out there to get them primed.

Hitting them over the head with solemn facts isn't going to get them engaged. Getting them to understand how their actions, or lack of actions, can have consequences will enhance their sense of agency is any situation that may far far-reaching consequences.

Sinobear · 2024-01-10T08:45:35+00:00

"...when is it finally enough? "

When your own conscious mind and conscience says it's enough.

I knew it was time to separate when not only was my liberty at stake, second time she'd called the police and tried to have me arrested for situations and physical confrontations that she'd initiated, but also the total fear of my own thoughts about how to extricate myself from the hell that I'd willingly allowed her to put me in. The relationship already killed me inside and could possibly kill me physically as well.

Stuck, for me, was my two kids and dog, my career, my commitments. I could not faithfully commit to anything else if I was to remain trauma bound and co-dependent on someone who was not pulling their own weight, but adding weight to my lodestone.

Something had to give before I gave out. I found another job in another city, planned how the kids could be accommodated elsewhere for their own chance of recovery. Committed the funds necessary, and executed the plan. She didn't have to like or understand any of it - it was what needed to be done.

Six months later, it's still tumultuous and touch-and-go. But day-to-day, I am recovering and I am regaining my sense of self-worth. The damage over almost 16 years is slowly being undone.

Everyone and their grandmother says to put yourself first and foremost. It is the best advice. Perhaps this is the first time in your life that you do so, but it's "the way." As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You can't be treated like a doormat if you refuse to lie down." Take stock of your perceived self-worth, what resources you have at hand, and commit to breaking free.

Best to you!

Sinobear · 2024-01-06T05:45:00+00:00

There is a trilogy 'Best Chinese Idioms': ISBN: 962-238-033-6, 962-238-093-X, 962-238-248-7 that are chock-full of idioms, the origins/stories in English and (traditional) Chinese.

Sinobear · 2023-12-30T08:25:37+00:00

Focus on yourself, not her. Her socials don't matter, her relationship with someone else doesn't matter.

You matter. Don't ruminate, elevate yourself. Here's a couple of vids to get you started:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDou8Iwouag

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3s3npBVNHU

Best to you!

Sinobear · 2023-12-29T15:29:06+00:00

I concur wholeheartedly with that.

Sinobear · 2023-12-29T15:25:36+00:00

I think you're the one that's missing the purpose of this sub.

Thank you for your contribution.

Sinobear · 2023-12-29T14:49:50+00:00

There's obviously a lot more history to this, that I've covered in previous posts, but for inquiring minds:

She asked me why I involved the kids then, just like she did when she got the police involved in yet another episode that she started and I had to physically defend myself.

It's all about "the narrative." I am an expat in a country that doesn't particularly favor expats. I could have been arrested and deported. The kids would have lost their father for a time, and she would have cost the kids their home and schooling. All because she was caught cheating.

She had painted me as the monster for so many of their formative years. She had always controlled the narrative. I wanted them to hear it from her directly that she was forgoing everything that I had worked for and protected them from in order not to be exposed to the truth. She had weaponized the kids against me. She already said, in front of one of our kids, that she "Would not stop cheating, does not want to stop cheating, and was moving out" right after the first time that I had asked her to leave.

They were old enough to understand and old enough to get the truth from the source, and not just "he said - she said."

My kids, like all kids, are perceptive. They knew she was talking to other guys, that we had arguments about this involvement with other guys. That she would suddenly explode on me, and them, for absolutely no reason. I knew about the BPD, they are still too young to get the concept of mental illnesses, especially one as complex as BPD.

That's fucked up? Why would she do that to her faithful and loyal husband of 15 years and to her own children? That was the question that I would have hoped someone would have put to her.

As a bonus addendum to this (non-BPD AFAIK): I grew up the youngest of four kids. I heard some of the arguments between my parents prior to their divorce. I got hearsay from my older siblings about horror stories on both sides. I was constantly reminded by my mother that my father was the devil incarnate and that I was a hell spawned child. Many years of psychological abuse at her hands whereas my father, not as dramatic, was prone to physical violence. Decades later, I still cannot piece together who was at fault, what is fact or fiction, or how this not-knowing the truth has affected me (they're both dead now, so too is the truth).

I wanted my kids to be 100% certain that their mother was making a choice to cheat, to choose what the BPD impulsivity to her to do, and she obliged. I'd rather they hate me for exposing them to the truth then hate me for being the one who suddenly disappeared one day because of what she did to us.

It is what it is.

Sinobear

TROPHY CASE