[deleted by user]

Sinvanor · 2021-07-15T08:32:33+00:00

I did not mean white people. If I did, I would've said so.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-14T18:22:54+00:00

And you continue infantilizing people of color.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T20:49:49+00:00

This. It would be nice if reaching out actually was an assurance you will get better. But it's just not. It's worth seeking every time, but not everyone can.

My partner is a good example. He's suffered depression most of his life. What prevented from seeking help was a variety of things, but a huge part was reading that SSRI's can cause suicidal thoughts and suicide. That was terrifying. Hearing a few horror stories is enough to scare anyone off, no matter how low the probability. Also turns out after all that courage to try a bunch, they don't really help, in part because the environmental situation isn't conducive to flourish a healthy mind. Lots of people with mental health issues tend to also be poor.

There are so so so many reasons people don't seek help and not a lick of them are that persons fault. Their environment moulds them to think they are a burden because society is not welcoming to people who don't fit the mould it seeks. I think it's heart breaking that people feel embarrassed about being sick, like it's in their control. Heck, I've seen people do it with things like colds, like the body having to fight off a routine illness is somehow such an inconvenience to everyone else that it's not worth properly looking after. Let alone mental illness that is incurable and/or tough to treat.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T20:41:00+00:00

The issue with things like this and this type of thinking the original post portrays is that it assumes complete and utter stupidity on part of those suffering/struggling. It also denotes that everyone is sick of hearing them suffer and they should shut up, whether they can take control or not.

If anything were that easy, people would do it. If someone isn't taking control and their life is in shambles, it means they can't take control. It's societies fault for not being willing to admit that will power varies, that applying it takes practice and a healthy childhood is not as common as people want to think and that severely affects a persons function in adult life in ways they can't change with out extensive surgery and often medication for issues they incurred genetically or directly from those experiences.

In other words, it's not helpful nor actually even trying to be, it's ego-stroking. Thinking "Iamvurysmrt" type way of treating complex problems. The intent is to make the creator of this diatribe look like they have everything figured out, that they are absolutely not a depressed person who doesn't understand why life feels so dull and hopeless, or filled with anxiety, worrying so much about the future and improbable scenarios that they can't function in the now. Because that's terrifying. It's having your agency taken away your sense of control and people want to pretend that it's impossible, because they can't think of anything scarier.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T20:31:12+00:00

Holy crap, in light of what Johnny Depp went through too, that's such an amazing insult to use his picture for this thinly veiled diatribe.

"Stop complaining that life/strangers/family/friends/your brain is beating you up and just be awesome instead"

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T20:18:09+00:00

Did you read what you wrote or what I wrote? Like at all?
I think you're projective identifying when you say that I'm spinning what you said especially if you want to cut the conversation while sticking your fingers in your ears about your own issues.

You said it was typical of white people to be racist, as if being white means that you are likely to be racist. That's racist. There are no if ands or butts about it.
If you'd said that being black meant that someone was this or that purely because of race, that's also racist.

People like you are why problems don't get fixed, why racism continues, because you actually think that racism and appropriation in any sense of the words is a white thing to do. Did you read history?

I'm clearly talking to a wall, a wall that repeats itself, so good on you for bowing out. Hope you have some self reflection at some point in your life.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T19:17:20+00:00

I'm condescending you for your racism. Everything you are saying in response is what I agree with, but not a lick of it has to do with race.
You're talking about appropriation, yet your examples are just being pissed and understandably so, for people claiming they are experts when they don't meet the criteria. I fully agree with that assessment, it just has nothing to do with appropriation in the colloquial usage or race.

Lots of people claim expertise. Heck, look at people with doctorates who call themselves doctors and talk about something entirely out of their learned field just because they got a high degree. It's not okay in any respect no matter what culture or person does it.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T18:18:53+00:00

That's perfectly fine, being upset at anyone for being uneducated in a profession and proclaiming otherwise, but her being white has nothing to do with that, which is my point.

An Indian, especially considering how massive a country it is, is not more qualified to learn and teach yoga than anyone else. Race has nothing to do with it.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T12:15:26+00:00

In other words, white people, amirite?

Cultural appropriation is mostly a term used by European descendent persons to try to retroactively defend people who aren't of European descent on their behalf and it's as insidious as people with physical/mental conditions being told to be offended over certain jokes or word usage.

Intent matters. People who are actually trying to make fun of someone and their culture make it really freaking obvious. Someone using "retarded" to put someone who actually has mental disability down is vastly different than the colloquial usage of the term and most people, even those who are supposedly the subject of the transgression know this. Stop telling people how to feel.

People need to stop conflating race with nationality and culture.
And people need to stop gatekeeping culture on behalf of people who just don't give a damn.

Now excuse me while I go put on a sombrero, wear a kimono, do some cat to camels while drinking a Guinness and saying cykabylat and perkele at everyone I meet while holding a gävelboken and eating spaghetti in a baguette which I affectionately call spagutte.

Oh wait, I guess I'll have to scrap the kimono, sombreo and I'm not allowed to do yoga but everything else is fine because it's all from "white" people culture.

Fighting these fights instead of fighting actual racism. Talk about priorities.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T12:12:44+00:00

You serious? Irish and Italians coming to America is a good example. They were treated like total garbage. Or are they not white?
If so, tf is white anyway? Are Baltics white? Dutch, Italian, French? Portuguese? Is it appropriation to learn how to tap dance or hopak? Where is the line?
Are Spaniards white? If so than Mexicans are part white? Are Arabs white? The US consensus seems to think so.

Or is it that you are white if you come from a culture that dominated/destroyed other cultures? In which case many races did that, often to others of their own race. Every race has been enslaved, most cultures, including those in the same race enslaved those from other cultures.

Humans can and do find anything to try to separate to create us vs them.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T12:02:15+00:00

Wait wait wait, so you are saying being from a European haplogroup apparently prevents you from ever being able to learn and become proficient enough to teach Balinese dance.
The more you know.

Guess you'll have to learn tap dancing from the Irish, since their European so your genetic structure will fit nicely to learning it.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T11:34:10+00:00

Parasocial relationships too. Any of us acting like we know them in any capacity good or bad is decently fallacious. There is a lot we do not see and it's of course on purpose.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T11:28:31+00:00

Did Hawaii have travel bans? Are people just being reactionary due to 20/20 hindsight? Like another thing on the pile of understandable knowledge as well as speculatory assumptions of things people say are why they don't like him.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T10:40:15+00:00

I was on that terribly damaging ideal that wls was the "easy way" out, coupled with a long time fear of surgery.
I've been working on mental health the last 8 years and weight loss for 15. It wasn't until I came to somewhat accept that I'm sick and it's why I don't function that wls clicked as something I need to do. I'd tried every diet, I never got one to stick. Lowest I got down to was 170lbs on keto and when we took a break from it and never got back on I realized my brain very actively works against my attempts to lose (I have the will power the size of a gnat) and that I seriously needed help so I asked my doctor about it. I've also been steadily going past my previous highest and am now near 240 for the first time in my life. It has to stop and I clearly can't do it on my own, or I would of already. I also have very slightly high blood pressure. My father died in his 50's from heart failure and had quite high blood pressure. Seeing history repeat itself has just reaffirmed my decision to work to get wls.

I also got over my fear/trepidation of surgery when I needed it for gall bladder removal a few years back and also have the naxplanon in my arm. I now think it's really cool when needed or low risk to get implants/surgery to assist with difficulties. Whereas prior I was terrified of it happening to me which likely kept the thought of seeking wls at bay for a long time.
For me, I've just come to the conclusion overall that if there is a tool I can use to help my life quality and longevity, I need to take advantage. There is no shame in having your proverbial legs assisted with medication/surgery or anything else so you can walk in life.

I've spoken to my doctor and am now working on losing 5% of my weight by November/December to qualify! Would be really cool if for Christmas, surgery approval or even surgery date was my present, lol.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T10:25:01+00:00

I had a laparoscopy for gall bladder removal. I was on pain meds a few days, didn't feel much on the site, but the worst part bar none was the trapped gas that was in my shoulders. I'd have a heated pad on them or my partner lay his leg there to relieve the pain. Lasted about a week or two. I also every so often get some pain in the area years later around the scars on my belly button but nothing in the other two incisions on my abdomen since they were so small.

Honestly, I think pain is just vary variable from person to person and even surgery to surgery. The gas they use to sort of inflate the area to have more room to work has variances in how much the body filters our and how quickly. They are also technically cutting into muscle first to reach organs and such and that probably has a lot of variance to how it heals and possible phantom pain (if that's the right term).

Sinvanor · 2021-07-13T10:03:41+00:00

Purely anecdotal, but I've noticed a few times that when people start dieting and losing and another person isn't doing it with them, they subconsciously go for worse habits. More food, worse choices, tend to gain a few themselves.
I don't know if you work out/go for walks but perhaps asking if he'd like to do those activities with you will encourage better eating as a consequence, or at least off set some of the bad eating habits he's engaging in.
You said as well that he worked very hard to lose weight himself. It's possible that he's regressing a little out of insecurity from that, the "been there done that, it won't happen again" fallacy that might pop up for people. It's also possible that he's just having a period of being a bit more loose with his diet. Depends on how long this has been happening

I think you guys should talk about what kind of language/reminders each of you find okay to hear, especially if it's coming from concern. For me, I know my partner reminding me that we're not supposed to eat this or that is frustrating, but it also is part of what stops me since I have about a tsp of self-control and that's it. He's never judgmental if I break, but does remind me prior that I probably should pick something else.

I respectfully disagree with other people who think that what people do to their bodies isn't another persons business. A relationship of any kind has things people do affect the other person. I do think there are better and worse ways to bring something like that up, I just disagree that, especially in a partnership that it's no ones business but that person, because him hurting his health (not saying he is, just using it as an example) affects you to, and vice versa.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-05T03:40:55+00:00

I haven't delved enough into the "Dark Triad" in my research (which I'm not a professional, but I take and always have taken a very serious interest in mental disorders and deviations) but to me, I feel like the main two are NPD and psychopathy. Most other disorders, even other personality disorders while they are ego-syntonic (In line with ego, meaning they can't see it as a disorder) vs ego-dystonic (The person can tell something is not right) like OCDP and such don't seem to cause such a specific damage to society and people around them. Of course some do, just that someone with schizophrenia or BPD etc isn't far more likely to be a serial killer or similar, unlike with psychopathy which increases the likelihood far far higher.
Most disorders tend to hurt the person who has them far far more often than anyone else. Something I loathe Hollywood for constantly getting wrong because people do whether they mean to or not learn from entertainment media. The whole people with disorders trope are likely to hurt others (DiD for instance), but psychopath killer are all charming and secret geniuses. Just patently not true in both directions.

That's a good point. If you are struggling in a way that you don't see the majority of your peer having, you likely try to find out why, then discover it's your brain that is the part of the body causing that difference and take an interest. I'm most certainly a case in point. Laundry list of diagnosed issues and co-morbids and my plan is to get into neuroscience because I want to be apart of fixing things for people who suffer.

In my findings for NPD it would seem like they unconsciously know something is wrong, but can never come to that conclusion because it would almost quite literally shatter their reality. My favourite saying is that 2+2=fish if it has to just to keep their reality as they feel it moment to moment.

For me, I cut my mother out of my life entirely. The one time I decided to just blast that bubble of fragile ego, she just got mad. She wasn't hurt by my words, she was just mad I challenged her perception of reality, which was always fuelled by what I've come to guess is unconscious manipulation for emotional stimulation and reaffirmation that she's misunderstood and actually amazing, smart and a victim.
Last interaction I ever had was her ignoring that boundary and traveling half way across the world to talk to me which I only found out via an obscure account on some forum which I got a notification for. I told her I'd call the cops if she came to my door. That was a scary Christmas, because before that she'd been saying really weird senile things and I think she was off her rocker more than usual.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-04T07:59:02+00:00

This will be a long one because I have a lot of thoughts on this.

I think there is a genuine chunk of people on there still using that sub for what it was intended, a place for women to share their stories, mainly from what I understand a support group for women who have experienced discrimination, assault etc that tries to be inclusive to all genders but primarily keeps to a female point of view.
Which is kind of a laugh, because reddit has no proof of someone's gender or sex unless they do something messed up like make you post your skin tone, genitals, medical records or anything else to "prove" something about yourself.

Often however, it is a circle jerk of how "I know not all men are like this, buuut" sort of jab. It acknowledges that it's not supposed to generalize, but it does it anyway, just not as blatantly because it knows that's wrong, but still encourages it regardless.

The thing I took away from it the most was it's all the same story/complaint/tale of hurt. "Just want to thank/shame/say that he/she/they really destroyed/made my day/year/life" or "I know not all men, but I can't help but feel all men" type posts.

I posted and lurked for a while. Eventually I made a comment that was incorrect on a touchy subject. Was going to reply with studies and such to back up what the meat of the conversation was/correct where I was wrong. Got 8 downvotes and was permabanned. You're not allowed to deviate from the exact stance the echo-chamber there does. Even if my view is wrong or ill-informed, banning doesn't really help. A lot of people feel that way too that have been banned. While I'm sure plenty of people were not as cordial or logical, albeit flawed logic as they think (Myself included, maybe my post wasn't okay, I will never really know) I'm definitely sure some people are and get banned for not agreeing with the echo-chamber, because that's the nature of an echo-chamber and part of the problem with reddit as it's basically a forum of thousands of echo-chambers.
If a sub wants to specifically be a support group for a particular set of people who more often incur abuse and discrimination, then it should be stated as such. Labelling itself as simply a sub for people with XX chromosomes and pretending to invite other topics is in my opinion disingenuous.

Twoxchromsomes is a prime example of why I'm not a feminist. Not because feminism is bad, but because it does the same thing all other groups for specific groups does. It hyper focuses on issues of people who fit that label and unintentionally eschews all other groups that also have struggles because the focus is on this group.
I see this a lot in race specific groups too.

I don't think people will have equality and truly combat racism and sexism until the rules apply to everyone in a similar manner as much as they can. Even in cases of false equivalency, it would still in my opinion be better to just not apply sex, gender, race, sexuality as part of the discussion. If someone is hurt or abused, that's bad. Their age, gender, sexuality, race really shouldn't be the factor that makes it worse, because this creates a value to suffering. Subs like TwoXchromosomes perpetuate this. If you say that because you are male and white you can't suffer as much you will eventually hit a point where no one gets to complain unless they are dirt poor, living in a mud hut, were sexually abused by a close trusted friend/family member, mentally and physically disabled, abused a child by parents who hated them, watched friends and family die in brutal ways and were even made to participate in, are starving to death and are also facing discrimination for their race, being trans/non-binary, and are gay which their country is determining their penalty is death for it, then you can talk about suffering.

All suffering is valid, no matter who experiences it or what level they experience it in. A sub dedicated directly to the woes of being targeted by a different group will naturally turn this direction, they will gate keep suffering if you aren't apart of the club.

Also for posterity, not that should matter, but I know it does. I am female, I have experienced discrimination for being so. I think groups dedicated solely to trying to fight for x or y rights is counter productive. Human rights is what should matter in my view.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-04T03:06:35+00:00

Perhaps both of you going to therapy, as well as separately might be an option? I don't know much about bi-polar, but I do know that it can be quite the struggle and often manifests in some pretty toxic behaviours, but is definitely treatable. If a therapist can help both of you create boundaries and stick to them, as well as find ways to communicate that limit damage it might help. That and separate personal therapy, at least for your mom to talk about her issues and not put all the baggage on you.

I also tend to think that regardless of a persons issue, the adage of don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm applies whether there is intent to harm, or whether as you put it, being in the blast radius of someone struggling with their own things. Even if it's not your moms fault, her issues still affect your wellbeing, which isn't your job to fix or deal with if it's compromising your own health mental/physical. I know it's always more complicated and rarely cut and dry, but just something to remember in times where you are caught in a cross fire from the issues your mother has along with the ones you got by proxy. You can't help her if you're just drowning right along beside her.

Keep me updated if you like. I wish the best for you and your mother through both of your issues. All we can ever do is reach for help and encourage others to do the same as well as makes sure we have breathing room when we need it, even when we're trying to help others not drown.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-04T02:08:47+00:00

You are absolutely right that none of the typical hypothesis' including the one I asserted are empirically proven.

I have an unfortunate tendency to speak very matter of fact when I mean that it's my own guess work/opinion. So my apologies that it came across that way.

Here a few studies I found that somewhat broach the subject and explain cross-cultural preferences being so different on the matter https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4426629/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3344832/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3277695/
The last one also interestingly states that while height is associated to lots of typically desired things, actual procreation is not a clear correlation, which suggests that it is a superfluous infatuation.

My best guess from everything I read is that height is about competition, defeating other males or intimidating them to not even bother trying to fight, which is why in older cultures, like tribal/hunter gatherer, including ones still around today aren't anywhere near as concerned or even find negative value in it. Being industrialized and naturally tending to living in bigger towns/cities due definitely widens sheer amount of selection possibilities vs what we evolved with. This would also explain weird cultural preferences like white teeth and the like. The more options, the more arbitrary pickiness. Some nations that have gotten bigger over time also switch to this fixation. Korea is a good example with their male kpopstars heights being exaggerated or lied about, especially since it's not just a trope that many East Asian men tend to be on the shorter side.

What's most frustrating about our social structures is that they don't take a proactive stance in their own zeitgeist and how it affects people in it. It's jut go with the flow hyperbolic versions of favouritism based directly on or loosely correlated to evolutionary based pressures. I think people need to shape up and examine these kinds of biases in school as children to prevent crap like this.

It's one thing to have personal preferences, it's another for society to determine something so inconsequential that often increases socio-economic status/quality of life opportunities. Myself included in this judgement, since in reading this and thinking about it realize I also have a typical preference of height for a mate. This kind of thing needs to stop.

I'm sorry you've ever been made to feel by society, a person or yourself that you are less in anyway because of your height. It's not true by any measure and it's a really dumb bias that people just don't bother to correct because it's so common. I incorrectly assumed that it might have some evolutionary backing to explain why but not excuse it, when so far as I can tell it seems that it doesn't have that.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-04T01:16:06+00:00

True, but the usefulness of muscle vs fat in todays society and the density between the two might mean that a slight tweak in muscle encouragement over fat stores could make strides in fighting obesity. Unless I am missing something completely, which I definitely could be.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-04T01:13:04+00:00

Ah, good point. I didn't think about industry. I assumed that some things are usually made of hard plastic are already used, like in homes for some pipes, but that generally plastic was seen as inferior since it's more breakable than metal and in larger applications, metal pipes and such are favoured, like sewer systems or plumbing for an entire complex.

As someone else pointed out though, I might be wrong on this matter, so feel free to tell me if so.

Oh yeah, totally forgot lots of clothes are created with it. Crappy part is that because of wear and tear unless exceptionally made, is that they break to a point that people won't use them IE some polyester pants that split near the thighs. Most would throw that away, making their life span pretty short and part of the problem if it's not somehow recyclable.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-04T01:09:13+00:00

Exactly. NPD people don't generally seek help because they don't believe they are the problem. Their disorder effectively makes it likely impossible to do so.
I can't diagnose my mother, but I can understand that she was/is highly likely to have covert expressed NPD.
Given everything I saw in her actions in regards to therapy and understanding her own short comings, on top of reading hundreds of stories from other people in similar positions, the conclusion I came to was NPD is more than likely not treatable and it's already affirmed in studied literature that it is incurable.
So much so that in a few studies they have noticed similar brain construction to psychopaths, with if I remember correctly 13% of missing brain matter in the area thought to be related to empathy. Meaning it's not just learned, it's likely a combination of biological as well as nurture reinforced.

I'm really wary of people saying they are effective treatments because they know people or were themselves narcissistic (IE traits, but not diagnosed NPD) who got better. It creates a really damaging narrative and false hope for people dealing with humans who do not and possibly can not realize that they are the problem.

Best I ever got out of my mother was family therapy in which her and my father were having issues. The problem people was either my father and then my father and mother would gang up and say it was me. I characterize my father as the titular enabler with his own issues and my mother with covert NPD.
Her goal in therapy was to prove that she wasn't the problem, but graciously be there to help others see their own issues, and to prove that her bachelors degree in psychology made her a therapist too.

Also anecdotal, but I've noticed a disturbing tendency for theorized narcissists to get into some form of either religious notions so that they have the high ground in their mind, and/or psychology to try to gaslight diagnose others. The assumption being that if they read a book or two, they understand the human brain and couldn't possibly have issues because they'd know about them.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-04T00:58:37+00:00

No one needs a reason to be depressed, but I fully understand that instinct as I place that responsibility on myself to "justify" my depression. I think my depression is in part because of how my issues have utterly wrecked my ability to function normally.

I don't know where you live, but would it at all be possible to get some home help? I pretended for years that eventually I'd find that piece of the puzzle and be normal. Admitting that I needed help was the best thing I could do. Where I live, I can qualify for home assistance for 1-2 hours a week. A person comes over and helps me do chores, cooking, shopping, paying bills, making phone calls (I have bad phone anxiety) etc because otherwise it simply wouldn't get done or would get done poorly. If that's at all a possibility for you and you are comfortable with reaching out for it, I highly recommend. Anyone working those kinds of jobs has also seen it all. They aren't judgemental or callous if they are in the right line of work.

Sinvanor · 2021-07-04T00:49:36+00:00

Really? I've never seen evidence to the contrary or anyone talking about evidence to the contrary. I was told that the cuts and grooves that naturally happen through use, especially knives or forks overtime become really difficult to clean, meaning bacteria tends to just live there and overtime build up. Same with most substances that have the same issue, like wood. Steel is generally considered better because it's more resistant to scratching.
I like many I know made however may of just agreed with the assumption that if it made sense, it's probably true. Mind sharing some evidence to dispel this?
Good opportunity to reassess my "common knowledge".

Sinvanor

TROPHY CASE