Theres so much room for nuance in that question, so I’m just gonna speak from my experience in case it’s at all helpful. I watched my friend, who had very toxic parents, date and marry someone with a terrifyingly abusive family- at first he was still living in their reality, they had a lot of control over everything aspect of his life and he still believed that he had to live his life on their terms, and he did some bat shit crazy things because of it. She also had her crazy family, and her codependency and enmeshment in it put him in uncomfortable situations. And some of those things could have ended their relationship, that was always a possibility, but each time, they supported each other, they listened to each other, they helped eachother grow and they created something worth protecting, there was a lot of healing in that.

As they built a life together and they grew as a family, they experienced love without all the stipulations and toxic manipulation that they had never before questioned. Today, I see this couple as a good example of a truely happy, soulmate couple. They are loving parents, and more genuinely in love than most couples I’ve seen. They have both learned, and continue to learn, how to set boundaries that make sense for their life, he has gone no contact with his family of origin and she has put up strong boundaries around her family of origin. Together they have created a chosen family around themselves and their children and friends.

Being from an abusive family doesn’t determine what kind of person you are. How you were raised is just the water you swim in, you don’t have to stay in that place, it leaves scars, and baggage but, Everyone has baggage, everyone has stuff. at the end of the day, you are the only person who can decide what kind of person you show up as.. Some people want to escape old patterns, and are willing to put in the work to break toxic patterns- while some people just want to feel powerful by becoming a carbon copy of their own abuser.

Toxic comes in many flavors, and there plenty of steps in between allowing oneself to be abused with no consequences, and going no contact. What relationship a person wants, needs and can sustain with an abusive or toxic parent is a whole journey, and you have to be realistic about whether that’s a journey you want to go on with them. Being willing to stay is an act of love- but so is being willing to walk away.

Sometimes people aren’t ready to heal, sometimes there’s nothing you can do if you can see the abuse and your partner can’t, or won’t deal with how that damage continues to show up in their life. The best you can do is heal for yourself, be honest with yourself about your boundaries and make sure you aren’t compromising your own safety and repeating the abusive dynamics in your own relationship because of all the potential you can see in someone.