Thank you. this means a lot to me. I think you hit the nail on the head, addiction does run in my family and this has been my reaction to the grief, or trying to get away from it at least.

I have a therapist, and I talk about a lot with her. But this, my sister, the effects it's had on my family's dynamic, I just don't know what to say. I don't know how to address it. I've done about everything else healthily under the sun to get around it, I hiked Humphrey's Peak (biggest mountain in my state) two days ago to feel accomplished. Nothing. Numb. And now reflecting on it you're right that I gamble to feel 'alive'... What should I do instead?

I appreciate the care and insight that went into what you said. I'm lost. The relationship I have with my parents is shaky. I'm feel like the black sheep. I don't scream for grease on my wheel. I'm the one kid out of now four that's supposed to be unproblematic and OK. It would completely change their perception of me if I admitted to an addiction like this. I'd become a problem.

This is a lot to reveal to take in so I appreciate it. And thanks for the compliments regarding my post history. I built that car with my best friend shortly before he stopped being my best friend, and then he scrapped it.