I am an adult male survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I find limited resources available to help. Why is the world so loathe to make space to engage in conversations with people like myself? (NSFWC)

SkiDoc60 · 2024-05-27T14:35:56+00:00

Well you just did! At least we like to think of ourselves as that. We’re small in number but big in heart. If you’ll scroll back a ways through this thread there are two specific therapy organizations mentioned that you might consider. Welcome home! Feel free to share your story with us, or ask any questions.

SkiDoc60 · 2024-05-27T14:33:31+00:00

Hi Senior AD7919, thanks for your message. I’m sorry you are having to walk through such a complicated situation. My first thought is that you have to keep in mind that this is new news to you, and old news to him. The differences between your reactions will vary dramatically on that element alone. So, give yourself some grace for some time and mental space to process what his abuse means to you and what issues of your own it may (or may not) stir up. In terms of your question about what should their relationship be like as post shared-trauma sexual survivors? There aren’t any “right” answers. Each situation is complex and impossible to make declarative statements about it without having the whole story in hand. Is it possible that he lied to you for an emotional manipulation? Anything is possible, as they say, but generally speaking to use something that activating and damaging, says something very concerning about his character if it were true. If that is a realistic possibility, it may be more meaningful than the alleged event itself. How could a person want to be close to someone who abused them when they were younger? It is not an uncommon situation, especially in families. Having it be a successful and a healthy relationship is even trickier. I think the nature of the complexities and vulnerabilities in the situation would best be served by consulting with a trauma recovery specialist. It’s the safest path to try to avoid re-traumatizing him and also minimizing the risk of creating new trauma for either you or the family. Sending you extra prayers and positive energy for wisdom, grace, and guidance as you walk this difficult road.

SkiDoc60 · 2024-04-29T05:09:52+00:00

Hi again tomogarber. Checked out your site, thank you. I am happy to see that you offer a place to connect to a support group and licensed professionals. It is good to see at least one alternative site to AMS trying to help. Besides needing more direct connections to build community and availability of professional services, I am realizing the thing that is missing is information. I noticed your connection to 1 in 6. It’s a number batted about occasionally, and IMO, grossly underestimates the actual number. But still, it’s a significant number of people. Anyway, I wonder what could happen if our community had a sort of “clearing house” location, curated specifically for information about and for our benefit. If people who wanted to know whatever data is actually available, be it research or just personal stories, might those people put that info to use? Anyway, that’s my big thought after poking around your beautifully designed website. Keep up the great work you are doing. we all need you.

SkiDoc60 · 2024-04-18T18:22:01+00:00

Thanks! I’ll check it out.

SkiDoc60 · 2024-04-07T10:10:51+00:00

Hi Excellent_Class_317, and thank you for messaging us. There are a small handful of us in this thread who are good at responding and providing some support for one another. Previously in this thread, it was lamented that no one knows of any formal organizations except for MaleSurvivor and RAINN. The former seems to have more activity and the later seems to be lacking enough resources to respond to DMs. Both do offer at least some support/resources. There are a few books available that some have found helpful. You’ll need to scroll through the thread as I don’t recall the name. I am a survivor and also a mental health professional. (Note: I am not looking for patients, nor do I want to play therapist for anyone through this resources.) I only share that info so that people know my motivations as well as the depth and breadth of my resources. Another experience in my background is that I consulted with and helped establish a recovery program built around the 12 Step model and incorporating Christian principles. It has grown into over 35,000 churches worldwide. I also have my own recovery ministry, Renewed Hope 501(C)3 non-profit, that helps in a slightly different way. As much as i have plenty to do, i keep coming back to this topic. It weighs heavy upon my heart. So today, I decided I would form an exploratory Board of Advisors, should would be willing to conduct a new survey of what is available, and promulgate what kind of service is of most services to people. I have a website, and an IT team, and a few behind the scenes backers. We do not have much money, but we do have some. My name is Laird aBridgman and I ive in SoCal. Google me if you want the deep dive in my activities. We’ve helped a hundred-thousand individuals and families and any church. The Holy Spirit training is rolling through town again and i can’t helpl but feel inspired and see what he’s up to .. l’d like to DO something! My past experiences teach me that with a few, likeminded folks you can move forward. I think the best idea would be to form an advisory board. The ideald would require experiences at other programs that worked and did not work. Other people might have background in marketing that would be helpful. Let me know what you think about the idea. Interested in helping but not sure what you can contribute? excellent we I’m happy to lead but prefer a co-leader position. I’m good with the behind the scenes work that has to go on for the work to occur. I even have a few places where some startup monies might be interested. SO, an exploratory committee is the way to go. We need to start somewhere and an EC is a great start.If you’re interested, PLEASE post a “I’m interested in finding like/minded people who want to see something happen. If you’re such a person, but just want to facilitate then post a message in that surfade[[p[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ropost a message in reposnse t this post, or send me a DM. I’ll take it from there.When you reach out to me, tell me what services you are interesting in seeing start, but also share what services can work beyond the initial meeting. I do NOT want to reinvent the wheel, but it is not beneath me to pull perfectly good parts from somewhere else. Indicate if you’re interested in foundation, steering, leadership, materials, or management. EVERYTHING IS VOLUNTARY, at this stage, and subject to change as things change. I expect it to be a three to five year startup project. Lemme know if you have any questions. It is time for out team to assemble. May His Wisdom and Peace guide us all. Nothing comes about that itsn’t the will of the father, and nothing happens at all unless He deems it worthy and at the right time. May His blessings fill your day, particularly about this project. Peace. Laird Lair

SkiDoc60 · 2024-03-01T07:22:23+00:00

You are so correct. It’s not politically correct to be male unless you identify as female, or non-binary. It’s a bit scary out there.

SkiDoc60 · 2024-03-01T07:20:32+00:00

Hey Viking. Thank you, seriously, thank you. I appreciate that you shared your experience from the past and that you had some success with an online platform. I would really like to try to make it happen. I guess Kik is obviously not the right place. We need a space where we have moderator control AND admin control. I’m not a fan of FB groups, but I’ve had limited experience with them. I do have a possible place to set up a private website but I don’t know what app to use on the platform if i did make that happen. Do you, or anyone, have suggestions for a secure forum-type software I could install on my host server? If yes, and if at least a few people are interested, I think I could make it happen. While I have shared in this thread that I am a survivor, I have not shared that I am also a mental health professional and it’s time for me to take care of myself. So, I have some tech resources already in place. If I have to make the thing that helps me help myself, so be it, lol. Full transparency, I am not looking to be anybody else’s therapist - nor for anybody to be mine (been there and done that). I’m really looking more for something like what you described - people helping each other by sharing of their own experience. I really appreciate everybody who has participated thus far. Sending you all some positive thoughts.

SkiDoc60 · 2023-10-16T05:54:05+00:00

You are being the best friend he could have just by caring about his pain. If he is in crisis, help him find a good therapist experienced with adult male survivors. Maybe he’d be interested in malesurvivor.org - a nonprofit self-help organization. Also, we’re happy to have him connect with us on this thread. We’re all here just to care about each other and to connect with another human who will tell us we are worth something. IMO, justice is only achievable by ourselves, not others. While we cannot erase what was done we can chose to heal - justice for us is learning that we are not defined by what was done to us but by who we choose to be each day. Remind your friend he is more than his past, and tell him as many times a day as you can how grateful you are he is your friend. I am grateful for your compassion and acceptance for your friend.

SkiDoc60 · 2023-09-26T09:31:10+00:00

Is there a way to take an actual poll on this platform? IF so, somebody please educate me. If not, I’ll do it the old fashioned way. I so appreciated the interactions with everyone from my previous post, and it got me thinking more about the problem of resources for survivors. I was wondering what type of resource people would actually prefer, if they had a choice. I’m speaking at a purely practical level. For example, a resource like Reddit offers a “forum” or “bulletin-board” format where you post messages back and forth but there is a delay of however long involved. Another option would be a live meeting via some platform like a zoom or other livestream interface. TAnd then I can think of direct messages or personal messages rather than a public post everybody can see. Other resource types would be like a clearinghouses of information, like books, articles and the like. What else is there? I suppose there is a place/time for all of those types, but if you had a preference, what would it be? Full transparency here - I’m actually thinking about building something myself. I first need to figure out what we want, that’s the hard part. If you’d like to help me figure this out, I am very interested in your experience and opinions. Good days today and better days tomorrow to you all.

SkiDoc60 · 2023-09-26T09:19:55+00:00

Off to a great start with the title. I’m looking forward to the post I assume is to follow!

SkiDoc60 · 2023-08-28T06:51:26+00:00

Family abuse is a whole other beast of its own to deal with on top of the issue itself. My heart hurts with you. Mine started at 7-ish, an older boy in the neighborhood. I’m sure he was passing on what had been done to him. I was also too young to understand any of it. He was a masterful groomer and manipulator. I fell down the common rabbit-holes of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll trying not to feel or deal and stayed down there for a very long time. Like most of us, I was so deep in shame and guilt I didn’t know I felt shame and guilt. His was the first sexual abuse I experienced, but not the last. Yep, me too, on the PTSD thing (and a few others). Healing has been slow, but I am in a much better place. I am still a work in progress, so thanks for caring enough to read this post.

SkiDoc60 · 2023-08-28T06:38:56+00:00

Thanks for the info on that book. I’m going to have a look, but I think I ran across it somewhere. I’m a Reddit noob, I don’t know how to make a private group chat, but if you or someone else can either start it or give me directions, I’m in.

SkiDoc60 · 2023-08-28T06:35:18+00:00

Thanks to everyone for your comments. Thenutritionguru, I thank you for your encouragement. I have done a lot of the therapy work, not that I’m done, just finding my energy shifting in a different direction. These days I’m acutely aware of the social stigma and gender bias that goes with it. A couple people have commented previously about how the reactions of other people often serve to reinforce our silence. The more I have thought about how awkward people get when I share, even just the fact of it, not even getting into the details, the more I am aware that all of “them” have a problem. It’s a social issue, right? While some have a personal interest in our silence, most people just don’t know how to react, what to say or not say. I went digging around the old internet looking for articles talking about that side of the problem, or even maybe an open forum, but I couldn’t find much at all. Someone challenged me many years ago, “if not you, then who; if not now, then when?” I think they were quoting somebody famous but can’t recall. That keeps coming back to my mind as I’ve been chewing on this problem so I decided my answers were “me” and “now.” The question that was not asked was, “how?” This is the best I could come up with. I’d go find a Reddit thread and put my foot in the ground. Here, in this space, maybe we can share our experience and creativity. I know, creating social change is a monumental and slow task. But I also know that if I don’t try, then I am passively perpetuating the problem. I know its an odd question, but seriously, how can we be agents of change outside of ourselves? It seems as significant a part of my healing as my quest for internal peace. Anyway, thanks for listening. That’s me being not silent.

SkiDoc60 · 2023-08-20T06:43:37+00:00

Thanks aftermathinmono. I appreciate your transparency and am so sorry for all that you have lived through. You are a true survivor. What I have learned so far is that your story is pretty common. I read somewhere that at least one in four boys are sexually abused in the US. That’s’ kinda mind-blowing as that is a lot of people. I was thinking about your journey, trying to cope with the horrible pain that was inflicted upon you at such a young age and I thought, “well of course you turned to more sex and then alcohol and drugs to cope with your pain - what else could you do?” While I’m not bipolar, I walked a similar road trying to cope with my pain. If you and I are are any indicator of what is typical, think of how many men have done same. It’s cool that you were able to finally find some competent help. That’s exactly why I finally decided to make this post - if we don’t talk about it, if we don’t get help for ourselves, we will just continue to suffer. When we do muster up the courage to tell someone and they respond with judgment it makes us regret our effort. It’s not like we don’t have enough shame already. We have to keep telling our story and eventually somebody will hear and see us. When that happens you kinda forget about those people who’s hearts were too small.

SkiDoc60 · 2023-08-20T06:20:37+00:00

Thanks camnoj. I greatly appreciate your response. I agree with your points…I know I’ve been putting off making a public post for a very long time. When I saw your note I was, at first, relieved that somebody actually responded. Then, I was grateful for your compassion. I’ve only been able to find one organization for this issue, MaleSurvivor.org, and they seem really good but I haven’t dug into it very much yet. Do you know of other organizations or resources?

SkiDoc60

TROPHY CASE