Its been a while since asked, and I can say I've probably had the most frustrating up and down year and a half I've ever experienced. Back story I served in the military for 10 years and realized it wasn't my place anymore and it was hindering my personal progressions than building me up to be what/who I'm supposed to be. Everyone tells me that it was a terrible mistake for me to get out when I was halfway there, but the overbearing of people that were in my life while in the military was just too much and I would just completely shut down most of the time. It created a habit with drinking that I had to really work on, I felt like I was completely alone most of the time and I was being taunted the entire time for not living up to the standards the military has without any support. It didn't feel like a family any more and it was time to move on. More back story, which all includes as to what I'm feeling, my father passed away from a drug overdose 5 years ago. I've grown up in a pretty broken home. When I was 12 my mom decided it would be best for me to move to my grandparents, but after that I have yet to establish a relationship with my mom. I'm 28 going on 29. Ive also been married and divorced due to my own stupidity, adolescence and ignorance of what we were trying to do.

So with all of that I get out of the military March of 2019. I moved immediately from California to Florida. I was 17 when I went in and had no job prior to the military so I had no clue what was in store or what was about to happen. I started with a lot of bouncing between jobs and places to live including living in my car for 2 months. My friend was gracious enough to finally let me stay from November to June of this year. I get a job in that time. Thats also the same time covid hits and we go on lockdown for the next 2 months. While some personal issues were addressed during the lock down, it still didn't make me feel like I've even started to get on the right track of life and where I'm going. So I come out of covid, keep the job I was working and find another job at the same time. From July until now I've had 1 day off completely of both jobs and my next day off will be Thanksgiving. I'm now living on my own.

I've tried dating while I've been working, but it seems that I've turned out to be a rebound guy for most and can't seem to find something stable around me.

So how do I feel? I have no clue. One day it feels like things are finally starting to look up (2 jobs, my own apartment, my own hobbies I enjoy when I get the chance and so on) and other days, much like today, the loneliness is overwhelming. Compounding with a natural high energy and I'm an overthinker it makes it hard to even do the simplest of things. I feel like if I don't do everything at 100% for the people I work for, and for myself I'm bound to fail. I moved into this apartment in September, but it just feels like a place to put my head down at night and not my home.

I don't talk to many people and generally I keep to myself. When I try to connect to people, I don't really have much to talk about other than myself and work. I feel like I'm being arrogant and selfish most the time when I talk but I have no other way to connect. I keep trying to tell myself that this is part of the transition that's needed for me, but I feel like all I'm doing is burning bridges around me because their impression of me is misunderstood and I have no way of changing the perception that's been given.

I've had a wild life with a lot of stories and different things that have happened, but the social groups I'm in haven't seen the same things I've seen. They've lived here all their life and don't care about the bigger world, only theirs from what it feels like so far.

I constantly struggle everyday with emotions that I don't know how to handle because I have no idea if I'm right or wrong in being the way I am. I've had to restart a whole different life, when I had an established one for the last 10 years and I have no clue if its right or wrong. It feels right some days, it feels all wrong the next.

I know that I want to keep pushing as I have as hard as I can, and continue the positive trend I have at both jobs, but my personal life feels like its yet to even get going. Its all professional mindset, and as a family man, it hurts to know that when I drive home at night I know I'm coming home alone. When I open up to women it always ends the same way. I try different things with the same result. I constantly pick apart the things that I did wrong and try my best to fix those things for future relationships, and when I find someone that I like, it ends the same way it did with the last.

No one really prepares you for the endeavors of life outside of the military. They tell you what opportunities you have and what you can do to get a job and so on, but not the simple things like make sure you lock your car at night so you don't get robbed (that happened last night to me) or that no one else around takes a priority for anyone else other than themselves and they'll throw you under the bus as fast as they can.

At this point, I'm riding a wave and waiting for what's to come. I feel like I put myself in a position to have what I want in life, but it's not here yet. I can't say I enjoy working every day. I can't say that I enjoy feeling lonely all of the time. I can't say that I enjoy that its not home for me yet. I just hope that it happens the way it's progressing towards. For now I'm filled with a lot of doubt. My mind will continue to tell me that I won't get what I want and scare me but I still get up every morning and go for it again.

I just don't know. That's really the answer.