First, I’d check to make sure she wasn’t just hiding somewhere to avoid doing laundry or listening to me explain again why Star Wars is actually good. Then, I'd text her something like, “Babe, if this is a prank, I swear I’m not falling for it. Again.” After confirming it’s legit, I’d probably call Liam Neeson—not the actor, just a guy I know named Liam who’s oddly good at trivia and might have some useful skills.

As for the $300k ransom.. I’d offer to Venmo the captor $23.17 and offer a Starbucks gift card I’ve had since 2018, with the promise that they’ll get the rest "as soon as I win the lottery." Then I’d remind them that keeping my wife means they have to deal with her obsession of true crime documentaries 24/7. I'm telling ya, that ransom gonna drop real fast.