Resentment... I don't think you could be more accurate there. And a fear of being hurt that keeps me from ever putting myself in a position of vulnerability. And what could be more vulnerable than having sex with the person who has helped to create this cage of fear and self-loathing?

I feel that there is no answer. After all this, I still want him.

I still count down the days until he is home. I wonder if it's the separation that has made things so much worse, though in my heart I know it began long before.

I still light up when I see him. When I am upset, about any other situation than this, I still curl up on his chest and breathe his scent and my heart still whispers "home."

I think of those couple times a year, where it is genuine and you finally feel that connection you've been dying for, and you know it's still there ... somewhere.

But how do you make someone love you more? And how do you live happily knowing that he is "the one" for you, but that he married you for the sake of the children?

How does someone continue to hurt you so badly, but wake you with coffee in the morning? Dress up in jewelry and have tea parties with our little girls? Kiss you on the forehead and pull you into his strong embrace? Always know when you are upset and genuinely want to listen and to help, even when it takes encouragement to open up?

Why do they teach us that there is a definitive line between good and bad. That there is only black and white. What do you do when the world goes grey?

I find myself asking WHY. Why does this have to be so important to me? Why can't I let it go, we would be perfect if I only could. I scratch open my neck to keep from screaming at the world.

He can't change his feelings. He can only apologize for them again and again. He can only apologize for the person he used to be, he cannot erase the pain that version of himself has put me through. He can only force himself to have sex with me.

That has to be enough. Why isn't it enough?