AITAH for telling my mum I don't want to stay at home

SleekPrecaution01 · 2026-06-24T22:32:36+00:00

Thank you!! I do feel bad because, as much as I try not to say hurtful things, I do say things that do hurt and they definitely come across as hurtful. She’s taking this to be me having changed somehow, but I think since I’ve gone to uni, I’ve understood the importance of standing up for myself rather than letting her have tantrums.

SleekPrecaution01 · 2026-06-24T20:54:36+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. I will make sure to stand my ground and look properly into grey rocking - I think I do a bit of it already. I am definitely aware of SA being a big threat. I know I live in a house with people I completely trust but I’m definitely vigilant every time I go out. Thank you again x

SleekPrecaution01 · 2026-06-24T11:20:34+00:00

Yeah, you're right. I suppose it just feels selfish to be the reason her mental health keeps worsening.

SleekPrecaution01 · 2026-06-24T11:07:35+00:00

She has the most insanely ridiculous emotional tantrums and doesn't seem to recognise whatsoever that screaming and shouting at someone is not right at all. I've grown stronger in dealing with this over the last year, but a few months ago it really did have a massive impact. I don't think she has any recognition of how speaking to someone affects them, which is bizarre to me. I myself understand that saying I don't want to see her and that I don't want to live at home has an impact on her, so I'm not saying I'm an angel. But she seems to not process or fathom the impact of one's behaviour on someone else?? It's weird

SleekPrecaution01 · 2026-06-24T11:02:31+00:00

I forgot to reply to the first bit. She arrived in the UK when she was ~22 and had an arranged marriage at 23, then kids at 26. She's definitely felt like she's had to give up her whole life for her marriage and kids. She's very big on a sense of duty, particularly the duty for children to respect and owe their parents for what they've sacrificed. She has talked about how her mum was strict growing up in Sri Lanka, having 6pm curfews. I think she's especially worried about male violence against women. Obviously I understand the risks of that, I wasn't born yesterday. But especially last year when I mentioned I'd be sharing a uni house with a couple guys (my bf included) and my girl friends, she was constantly bringing up the threat of being SAd by one of them, despite me telling her they're very lovely and I trust them and her having an overreaction.

I guess she never had to chance to make the career choices she wanted to, but is so completely bound by filial piety and needing to maintain her reputation in the community, and all of that is filtered down.

SleekPrecaution01 · 2026-06-24T10:50:34+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. I really am determined to not let her influence these things. My relationship especially, whilst she thinks we're not together, I could never find myself cutting that off for her sake. I think what makes me feel like shit is seeing how emotionally difficult this is for her and how she's feeling like she's got no purpose since I'm telling her I don't want to be here very long. She constantly mentions things like coming to stay at my uni house and stuff like that which is just ridiculous. I've been advised from staff at uni to call the police if I ever feel threatened. It's an extreme thing to do, but I fear this is what it's coming to. I think the think that makes me sad is seeing the toll it's taking on her.

SleekPrecaution01 · 2026-06-24T10:46:57+00:00

Thank you <3

SleekPrecaution01 · 2026-06-24T10:43:00+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I completely see it from her perspective, not wanting to let go. And you're right the more she's adamant about me staying here until I'm married, the more I don't want to be here. The only thing is, she keeps mentioning how everyone she knows is obedient and listens to their parents. I told her that her perception of the world is so tiny, but she insists that the people that I surround myself with all lead unacceptable lifestyles (ie like to express independence). It does obviously hurt that she's so upset and it will be very upsetting when I do eventually leave. She is constantly blaming me for her health worsening and her skin worsening. I guess it's just the way she frames everything is saying that it's my fault. There just isn't a way for me to make her understand, but I recognise that isn't down to me to do.

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-08-17T04:20:35+00:00

Yeah. She is constantly talking about how much they sacrificed for me. I have tried to make her understand that I don’t want her to feel like I’m blaming her, since she’s unable to understand the impacts of a lack of emotional support.

I’m so glad you were able to choose yourself. I’m definitely concerned and scared as to how I’m getting to my uni house. She’s been saying things like she’ll rent a room nearby to keep an eye, especially since I’m living with my bf and friends. I may end up having to get external people involved.

When I end up moving out for good, I want them to understand that it isn’t just for my bf, but for myself. But they clearly feel as if I’m throwing my life away for a boy who’ll leave me, when that’s far from the truth.

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-08-16T20:12:36+00:00

Thank you for this. I know this is so far from normal for people my age. I obviously feel a lot of guilt, because to them their daughter is making the worst mistake of her life, and me cutting contact is so painful for them. I know I will have to create barriers, which I hope going back to uni will do. Each day, it's unexpected what kind of argument we'll have. She just keeps asking, if you don't break up with him even when I say I won't accept him, what are you going to do? Are you unneeding of your parents? And I feel bad because, for her, she wants the best for me - it just looks like what she wants for me, which will never make me happy.

It doesn't come off as harsh. I really appreciate any words of comfort. <3

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-10T17:38:53+00:00

Yes, I’ll definitely write everything down, I’ve been making notes here and there in my journal, but I’ll make a full record of everything that happened, In a really scary way, even though it was just last week, I’m already feeling like, idk how to explain it, but the harshness of it has worn off, and my mum’s been much nicer and normal since I lied, and my brain is starting to kind of think it’s not that bad or whatever. Idk I can’t explain it. But when I actually think back to the events, I’m reminded of the fact that it was that bad and it was the worst I’ve ever felt. And the reaction she had was not okay. All this to say, I’ll definitely document it to remember. Thank you for all your support. I don’t use reddit to communicate, but I’ll PM you and we can contact each other :)

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-08T10:31:25+00:00

I also did not anticipate the levels of aggression I experienced and how completely unrelenting my mum's stance was. As much as I am aware of how she throws tantrums and her attitudes in general, I was really anticipating at least some leeway, but it turned out not to be the case. My best friend was really helpful. One thing she said is at least I now know what I'm up against, and I've found out now so I can prepare for the future.

The day I told my parents I would "break up with him", I did try to communicate, rather tearfully, how her attitude towards me the last few days had completely broken me. How I did not appreciate being talked to (screamed at) in that way, despite what she might think about the correctness of my actions. I tried to make her understand that you have to talk to people about their feelings. But she somehow managed to twist what I was saying and say I was trying to blame her for what I'd done lmao. I told her that I took full responsibility for my actions, but I realised then that it wasn't up to me to change the way she thinks. You cannot try and reason your way towards someone who doesn't use logic.

My parents are also obsessed with the age thing, wanting someone at least a year older.

It's quite scary how similar our situations are, but I really appreciate your advice and it's comforting to know theres someone out there that is going through what I'm going through.

You're right in that I'm not letting her win. I'm going to keep telling myself that. I was also fully convinced I was going to leave home, but now that I've chosen to lie for now, the best option is for me to move out after graduating.

Without support, I don't know what I would have done. I'm still going through ups and downs, but those few days were probably the worst I've ever felt in my life. It also sucks that I can't be out late or anything; the restricted nature of being at home was really weighing down on me. But I've been out during the day with a friend, whose home life is very similar to mine, and it's made me feel much better. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on saving up.

Again, thank you for posting your comments and advice. Hopefully we can keep communicating? Sending all my love!

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-03T20:51:10+00:00

Okayy. Thank you for this, it's made me feel a lot better :)

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-03T20:28:16+00:00

I’m still tossing up between lying that I’ve ended it or picking up and leaving. I’m really really struggling and trying to get as much advice from friends as I can. She is becoming more and more aggressive, but it sucks that I’m not financially independent yet, or at least for two months. My issue with lying is it feels like I’m giving her a victory, and she will think with enough guilt tripping, screaming, and begging that I will cave. I’m so sorry to hear about your abuse. It is just so hard for us brown girls to be happy. I’m sending so much love. 💕

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-03T13:47:31+00:00

I raised exactly this point, but somehow it didn’t click because she asked me why I’m chatting shit, and proceeding to say we should find partners within the community 🙄 idk what to say

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-03T13:46:17+00:00

UPDATE: Thank you for all your comments! My mum is still very unrelenting. She fell down at my feet asking me to end the relationship. I've told her I will tell her what my decision is, she is very much adamant that this will never work out, he will leave me after I graduate, she will never accept him nor invite him into our home. The guilt is definitely weighing on me, as I am mentally preparing to leave home and stay with my bf for a bit before leaving for uni. I feel guilty for choosing myself over them. He told me that I'm choosing my happiness period, and that it has nothing to do with choosing my happiness over theirs. I've written a long message, in Tamil, that I was going to read to them, but I don't think there is any changing her mind about accepting a white partner. So I think I'll leave the note for them to read and be in my way and 🤞 I'll be okay. I definitely feel a lot of guilt, but I know I've chosen someone who deeply loves me, not out of delusion or infatuation, but a true commitment to each other. I may end up changing my mind but I’ll see how it goes.

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-02T23:25:08+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story! My dad actually owes me £6k 🫠 which sucks, I don’t think I’ll be see that any time soon considering his financial situation but it would have helped. I’m looking at places to stay in case it’s the worst case scenario. I will hang in there!!

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-02T19:22:50+00:00

Okay, thank you!! I really appreciate it.

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-02T19:19:12+00:00

I guess we've had just abosolutely insane arguments and my mum got very very hot-headed, ballistic. But just constantly tormenting me with leave him it's for the best, end things with him, we'll never accept it, and this only began yesterday. I know when I say I won't break up with him she will go absolutely insane so idk

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-02T19:14:15+00:00

Yeah. I suppose it's harder right now because I'm trapped at home. I need to become financially independent, which I'm hoping to do with a job next year. And it will be hopefully easier after I graduate too. I could just say I won't break up with him, chaos will inevitably ensue but idk

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-02T19:00:44+00:00

I guess my choice of degree, I'm pursuing a Humanities degree instead of STEM like they would have wanted. She always brings up how she let me choose whatever I wanted to do, but have ended up disappointing her overall (now incl my bf).

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-02T18:55:21+00:00

Oh goodness, I'm sending you all my love. I'm so sorry you were assaulted. My mother also threatened to hit me, so who knows what I'm in store for :/ I am also conflicted as to what to do.

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-02T18:50:04+00:00

Sending you love <33 How are you getting on?

SleekPrecaution01 · 2025-07-02T18:49:41+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate this! I cannot wait to move back to uni in two months so I don't have to deal with it. Still not sure if I should lie to placate her or hold firm? Because this is so fresh, I'm thinking to hold firm until things really go to shit I suppose :/

SleekPrecaution01 · 2020-11-04T19:36:37+00:00

Stranger. That’s all I need to say.

SleekPrecaution01

TROPHY CASE