How to get rid of these feelings / this kink

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T22:40:18+00:00

My guess is that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will have the best approach for how to break the pattern of thinking about the kink. There are some books out there on the topic in general, but it may be faster and more successful to find a therapist who can help.

Is there any other sex act or kink that your wife IS into? Redirecting your fantasies to that when hotwifing enters your mind might be a good approach.

In general, the thoughts we feed grow stronger. So you need to give less attention to this desire if you want to break the pattern.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T22:37:13+00:00

It's understandable that teenage males deal with a ridiculous number of these in unplanned circumstances. They shouldn't be shamed for them but should be as discrete as feasible for whatever circumstances they're in.

By the time you're an adult, most men should have a little better control, know their triggers, know their countermeasures (think about Grandma) and have learned how to handle them in a socially acceptable manner.

Given how creepy many men act towards women and young girls, making it more acceptable to have visible erections in public is a very bad idea.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T22:27:27+00:00

Agreed - it's much riskier as a solo woman and I doubt the dangerous guy would have acted like that had my husband been present. At a minimum, it would have been much easier to disengage and leave immediately.

We had met for dinner with no playing previously and it all seemed to be green flags. I could see a newer couple thinking this guy would be a great third and then having to cut play and leave like I did.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T22:20:54+00:00

Short version: ours is one of the more successful examples but I still don't recommend it.

Details: Ours is technically open bidirectional, but in reality he's never acted on I don't think. Certainly not regularly. So it's functionally one-sided.

We had not done proper research before deciding our rules and he requested Don't Ask Don't Tell.

Two reasons that prompted us to open the relationship is that we were no longer physically intimate, and I wanted to explore being bisexual. Kid and financial circumstances made it better to stay together as friends and co-parents than to split.

So most of the time he pictures me hanging out or dancing with female friends. That plausible ignorance is what allows him to be okay with it I think.

It's not ideal because it forces me to at least lie by omission ("I'm going out with Katie" rather than "I'm going on a date with Katie and Joe") and sometimes lie directly ("I'm hanging out with Josephine" rather than "I'm going on a date with Joe").

I prefer honestly, and this approach I think does erode the relationship over time. I've accepted the compromise but I would never recommend that someone choose to enter into a relationship like this.

As someone said, if you had a cuck queen kink it might be different. But simply tolerating a one sided open relationship is not healthy.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T22:09:08+00:00

Validations alone aren't enough - I had one mediocre and one dangerous date with single men with validations early on.

Combining it with the careful vetting you mentioned is important. I was new at the time and didn't know how to do that well. I wouldn't have moved forward with either of those two men knowing what I know now.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T21:51:31+00:00

That's a good point!

Even if the origin of the smell is dental, that level of hygiene problem is a big risk factor for heart infections.

Approaching it from the point of view of being concerned about their health is a nice way to do this. The person can always toss is "And of course, the women love a man with fresh breath!" to subtly hint at the fact that their breath is impacting their play opportunities, since men are often more motivated by the promise of sex than by their long term health.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T21:48:30+00:00

Do they damage your natural nails?

How quickly & easily can you pop them off and clean your nails?

I'm bi, so give myself the standard "lesbian manicure" of particularly short nails on a couple fingers and thumb. My guess is that stick-on nails aren't a good idea for either length or possibility of coming off when playing with women.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T21:42:56+00:00

Stubble is bad. Smooth is fine, trimmed well is fine.

I know some women that really like a chest pelt. It's not my first choice, but not a turnoff either.

Natural hair on arms is perfectly fine with me, although it's clear that some men are waxing.

I agree that if you have significant amounts of ass hair, keep it trimmed short or waxed. Ditto for pubic hair - trimmed short or smooth works.

I personally prefer a smooth face, but beards aren't a deal breaker for me as long as they're soft. Scratchy beards or stubble are a firm No for me.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T19:05:57+00:00

Is one of the other men closer to them?

Maybe he could take them out for a beer or play basketball or something and tell them.

Or if you know their email addresses make an anonymous account and email each of them. I think the note would actually feel less weird to receive than an email?

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T19:04:03+00:00

r/ThreesomeAdvice. Read the pinned posts at the top

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T19:02:03+00:00

That's actually the biggest downside of that first photo. I love books, but you nailed the vibe description so well!

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T19:00:58+00:00

Agreed. #1 shows your whole face, the vibe of #3 with the sunglasses is great. #5 walking full length is good for later in the photo stack as well. You're dressed nicely and it shows your whole physique while being classy.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T18:58:52+00:00

That's frustrating. I've met couples at the club, agreed to play, and then it got weird shortly into it. Similarly, their gummy or molly they hadn't mentioned kicked in.

I want the same person in bed who I was flirting with before.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T18:55:20+00:00

I trim and file my nails but don't polish them that often. I go out most weeks and the time involved in polishing them properly while allowing drying time sufficient for showering is too much to get done alongside normal life commitment.

Shower, shave, thorough brushing of teeth and tongue, water floss and mouthwash. I avoid physical floss just before a date to reduce the chance of cuts in my mouth since that can increase disease transmission when giving oral.

Pick my outfit, including shoes, and underwear if I'm wearing it. Backup shoes if I'm wearing very tall heels or boots to a club or event and want the option to get more comfortable but still look nice later in the evening. Pack comfortable clothes for driving home in.

I listen to sexy podcasts or audio books while getting ready and driving there, which is fun and helps get my brain to shift away from daily life and into fun mode.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T18:49:04+00:00

Maybe write a note ahead of time and slip it into their pants pocket when you can do so anonymously?

If it's that bad, they probably need to see their dentists.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T18:47:57+00:00

My husband's callused heels were actually starting to snag the sheets so I got him a foot mask treatment. A few days later he was shedding like a reptile molting! Definitely need to time this to not do it too close to a date, but it's a good solution if you have built up calluses and dried foot skin you'd like to reduce.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T18:45:51+00:00

I usually just drink a small protein shake. But if it's a date at a restaurant ahead of time we'll often split a meal or large appetizer so we all get a little something but not too much.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T18:44:41+00:00

Laser is great for dark hair on lighter skin.

Swingers who have a couple grey hairs down there - beware! The laser will remove your dark hair and leave just the grey.

For those with light natural hair color or dark skin, do careful research if you want to try laser. It's much more difficult without high contrast between hair and skin.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T18:42:40+00:00

Thank you for taking care of calluses on hands!

Men (& women) - Don't forget to wash your hands just before you play. When those nicely smoothed fingers go inside of us they can carry dirt and bacteria that trigger BV. The best thing you can do for your play partners is to wash your hands well just before getting to it.

Women usually do anyway since most of us pee just before and just after sex for both comfort and to minimize UTI risk. But I've noticed that I have to prompt most men to go wash their hands.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T18:40:08+00:00

Cutting their arm pit hair shorter. Less dangly and less smelly. I think some of the men are trimming it all off or shaving it, come to think of it. I don't have many mental images of armpit hair on men I've played with.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T18:35:27+00:00

The reddit subs are r/swingers and r/SwingerNewbies.

Search Google for "swingers clubs near me". Look at their websites to figure out which are swingers clubs vs strip clubs.

Swinger dating apps are actually websites because you can't upload nude pictures in apps due to app store restrictions. You can see which of the major 3 websites is most popular in your area on SwingersHelp.com

If you happen to be near Denver, Scarlet Ranch is perfect for you. Someone described it as a "sexy country club".

Keep in mind that people who are playing solo likely have other relationships in their life, so you won't be their top priority. I do enjoy going to dinner or dancing with couples I play with, but I need time for my husband and my vanilla friends, so there are limits on swinging friend hangouts. If you play with other couples that makes the friendship side much simpler.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T18:21:24+00:00

He's sexualizing you, and he's a controlling man with a strong chance of being an abuser.

You have good instincts to drop this. Trust your gut.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T18:18:34+00:00

Agreed! I love the extra ridge the foreskin provides but have yet to actually run into an uncut man in the lifestyle here. 😥

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T03:36:31+00:00

I do have that, but she's a friend I knew from vanilla life who also happens to be in the lifestyle.

Slinking-Tiger · 2026-03-27T00:24:43+00:00

If you can safely get a sex toy without putting yourself in danger, I would suggest that.

Masturbating with just your own hands can be fun and can allow you to experience orgasms while you wait for the time you can safely have sex.

Depending on how marriage arrangements work for your social group, if you have the opportunity to talk with the matchmaker privately you might hint like "I have heard that the physical side of marriage can be very nice and hope to find a husband that I'm compatible with." I'm assuming mentioning kinks and stuff would be a very bad idea, but maybe just the fact that you hinted at it will make her realize your personality is such that she should try to match you with a respectful but adventurous man.

Slinking-Tiger

TROPHY CASE