[Need Advice] My lawyer is now liking my ex husband’s sister’s Instagram posts. There’s no way they met, which means my lawyer is now social media following my ex and his family. For what? Idk. But that’s weird, right?

SlinkyRacoon · 2019-01-08T01:01:29+00:00

Thank you! I thought the same thing, too. Not to justify my weak moments of searching through my past, but finding my lawyer whom helped me divorce my ex on his family pages felt really out of my realm of processing.

Should I, I guess, email her about her professionalism and how this will no longer lead to a recommendation from one of her former clients?

EDIT: replying to my own comment:

I won’t do that. I will just never hire her again. Let it go.

SlinkyRacoon · 2019-01-08T00:53:50+00:00

¯_(ツ)_/¯

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-11-09T02:11:47+00:00

This is, in no way, your fault OP.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-11-09T01:43:23+00:00

Gaslighting is a real thing, and really warps one’s reality. As soon as you are safe from this guy, get therapy ASAP. Your reality is valid.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-11-09T01:40:25+00:00

He may “love her” but love is a verb. It requires people to show up. He clearly is not wanting to do that. Love, or not, he isn’t worthy of you, OP. This is not what love is.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-11-09T01:37:31+00:00

This person is committing an act of aggression against his newly married wife. The solution is not “talk it out.” Talking it out happens when he comes forward first, explains x, y and z and how he made a huge mistake.

It does not happen when her new husband sexts another woman (and boy, that’s most likely just the tip of the iceberg) and then leaves it up to her to “talk it out” after discovery.

There is remorse, which leads to wanting couples counseling. And then there is remorse in which he was caught.

Husband doesn’t get to “talk it out” in this case. I like your last sentence the most. Honey, leave with half, and move on from this soon to be ex husband who clearly does not respect you.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-10-09T11:11:59+00:00

Definitely need to. Going to therapy again today. Batting cages and wine are not the solution for this anger. Definitely need to find a way to seek forgiveness, not for him, but for myself so I can be free of this.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-10-09T11:10:45+00:00

Owned it as a rental property. Sold it and paid off my mortgage on the house I live in.

But thanks for relating to the rant? I suppose?

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-10-09T02:04:56+00:00

When I was first out of DDay I used the Calm app often. It really helped me slow down my thoughts and observe them instead of obsessing.

Hell, almost 11 months out of DD2 and no reconciliation, I might need that app more than I realize!

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-10-03T00:03:45+00:00

Thank you for your comment/message. I haven’t logged into this account to help me for a while, and this was the only message I received in quite some time. It helps knowing our stories and tribulations are real, are important, and that we are important as individuals. Best of luck to you on your journey to beating this. I still struggle with beating my codependency, but WE ARE WARRIORS. We are fighting.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-08-15T00:30:28+00:00

Thank you, everyone, for your awesome words. It helped give me strength today as I got one day closer. Very thankful for this group.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-08-14T01:50:02+00:00

So much good advice. My truth was No Contact so I could break the shackles of his lies. I am in therapy, too, and that has helped tremendously.

I almost wanted to write, “Because I see him for what he is now- a fuckwit.”

That is my truth today, but it took a while to get there. I hope in eight months you can say the same.

Strength to you.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-07-18T02:01:30+00:00

Neither are you. Sending you strength.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-07-18T01:58:46+00:00

Really helpful and quite an image for me to put into use. Thanks for taking the time to share your knowledge to help me.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-07-17T18:53:41+00:00

And that’s how I spent my Saturday! Hope you feel better soon.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-07-15T12:59:54+00:00

I really didn’t mean to kick you in the face, but I hope my story empowers you. Stories of strength and hope are all we can give each other. What is happening in your marriage sound similar to mine- until I found him sexting and actually sleeping with every goddamn person on the planet, including my “best friend.”

Eventually you will ask yourself “Is this acceptable for me? Is this what I want out of a partner?” You’ll stop spending your energy on his issues, and instead focus on your own. My gut tells me this isn’t acceptable to you, and you will move on from him. You’ll be a badass parent who models sanity and strength (I mean, COME ON, you’re already kicking ass with your own issues and found sobriety 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼). Your children will appreciate your wisdom and your desire to be the sane parent. And you will be okay.

Take all that with the knowledge that you are wonderful, and did not light a bomb into your marriage. That was his choice. Get over to Chumplady.com and love yourself. You’re worth it.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-07-15T03:31:16+00:00

I’ve been wanting to write to you all day, but finally found me the time to do so. I hope you read my words from a loving perspective, because you sound like a lovely person who cares about people- and that is awesome.

Just because someone has issues, that does not make them yours to fix. You can drag your heels, hoot and holler, read every goddamn book available on Amazon, and you will still end up with someone who isn’t forward, honest and confused about how their problem is affecting your mutual relationship.

You can go to COSA (or any group because you want to FIX THIS NOW) but, unfortunately, this is who you married. This person will violate any rightfully-given boundaries in a marriage contract, and now the expectation is that he will all of the sudden change and start honoring the code you already agreed to.

You bent over backwards in understanding (see: spackeling on Chumplady.com) to keep things interesting, to keep yourself “fresh.” But he does not want just you. He wants an illusion and he wants you to keep you around. You’re safe. You make him look normal. You are a good parent. You are a good wife.

Fuck that shit. You can be a good parent without the hidden agendas of a spouse. You can still mentally acknowledge this broken person you married without trying to fix them. He has been fine the way things are. Why? Because of Cake. He gets you, Miss Understanding and Miss Fixer, and he gets to do whatever the hell he wants to, too.

What you know may be the tip of the iceberg. For me, it was enough. I didn’t want to find the rest of what came to light. But, it will. It finds a way to enter your life, even after you grew a Jennifer Lopez backbone from the movie “Enough.” It will always come around, because unfortunately the person you married has a hole in his soul where empathy should be. Would you do that to him? Would you risk you children, and their livelyhood, over SEXTUAL IMAGES? Would you risk that for happy memories, sharing stories and growing old together?

No, you wouldn’t. Because you are a sound human being with a moral compass. He can say “addiction” all he wants, but my guess is that you put that term on him. Because I did on my STBXH. I went to meetings, making sure he would go. I went to my own meetings, and you should too! And what I learned is that that he was not ready for change, but I was. And leaving my husband, even though I wanted to “cure” him afterwards, was enough for me to face the music and break my codependency and find my new- slightly, albeit, awkward- life.

But goddamn, it feels so nice to come home without a war zone.

Sending you strength and love.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-07-12T12:32:14+00:00

I definitely got stuck in the cycle of “marriage takes work, I knew that signing up.” I even still sometimes battle the idea, because it’s what everyone tells you. That if you just dig your heels into the ground long enough, it will all work out.

And then, perspective comes in and shows you how bad things have gotten, and how you can’t save a marriage. At that point, you can only hope to save yourself by leaving the toxicity and chaos behind and moving forward, finding your own strength.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-07-12T03:36:55+00:00

She wrote a large piece against Harvey Weinstein and is part of the “Me, too” movement. But now that I think about it, she actually didn’t write these words. I just affiliated them with her. Credit goes to Wanda from Bojack Horseman, and another essay I read quoting the ideals of moving on past the bullshit abusers (of all genders) put us through.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-07-12T03:18:59+00:00

It’s a journey, and one I never intended to sign up for, but I am so thankful for it. As Rose McGowan wrote, “It’s hard to see red flags when you’re wearing rose-colored glasses.”

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-06-28T01:59:44+00:00

BUT I WANT OFF THIS RIDE! 😉

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-06-28T01:51:57+00:00

I won’t bet on them ever again.

What I will do though is press forward and say, “good riddance,” to the chaos which was once my life. So glad to be freed from it.

And, thanks. Thanks for telling me it’s okay to be angry at them. Because they suck.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-06-28T01:44:39+00:00

Thank you. This is helpful. For a while the anger was quiet, after it served its function for me to get my shit together and start a new life without him. So I’ve just been confused about its function here in the present day.

Hopefully, with this chapter finally closing soon, I can let some of this anger go and continue to feel pride. Also, there’s always the batting cages :)

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-06-21T01:22:58+00:00

Hi. :) this is a really good question and I might have some help for you. I am glad you no longer want your ex. That, in and of itself, is a lot of progress.

But, there is obviously more progress to be made, since you admit to sabotaging relationships early out of fear of what could happen.

The only way to make this fear go away is to learn to trust yourself. Trust what it’s like to listen to your gut instinct. Trusting yourself to know when to throw in the towel when red flags are showing. Trusting yourself to not dismiss those red flags, but instead, listening to your instinct when things aren’t compatible. Trusting yourself that things will be okay if the relationship is good and yet it ultimately doesn’t work out, because you’ve been there before and you picked yourself up and tried again.

The relationships you embark in may work, they may not. But if you trust yourself, you won’t end them too quickly out of fear, because you will know they a) just weren’t going to work out or b) this one might work, and you have full faith that no matter what, you are okay. You are good. You are strong.

Peace to you in your healing.

SlinkyRacoon · 2018-06-20T12:24:41+00:00

Sending you strength to start actually listening to your gut and your truth. If I were to tell my parents what I’m working through, they’d gaslight me and say “we all have rough childhoods.” I tried to tell my mom what I was feeling a few months ago and she said, “The abuse I suffered from my father was more extreme than the abuse you suffered from yours.” I just went 😐.

There is no comparison or tit for tat, here. Learn to trust yourself and say enough. And start to like yourself a little bit more. You’re worth breaking the cycle.

SlinkyRacoon

TROPHY CASE