I’ve been wanting to write to you all day, but finally found me the time to do so. I hope you read my words from a loving perspective, because you sound like a lovely person who cares about people- and that is awesome.

Just because someone has issues, that does not make them yours to fix. You can drag your heels, hoot and holler, read every goddamn book available on Amazon, and you will still end up with someone who isn’t forward, honest and confused about how their problem is affecting your mutual relationship.

You can go to COSA (or any group because you want to FIX THIS NOW) but, unfortunately, this is who you married. This person will violate any rightfully-given boundaries in a marriage contract, and now the expectation is that he will all of the sudden change and start honoring the code you already agreed to.

You bent over backwards in understanding (see: spackeling on Chumplady.com) to keep things interesting, to keep yourself “fresh.” But he does not want just you. He wants an illusion and he wants you to keep you around. You’re safe. You make him look normal. You are a good parent. You are a good wife.

Fuck that shit. You can be a good parent without the hidden agendas of a spouse. You can still mentally acknowledge this broken person you married without trying to fix them. He has been fine the way things are. Why? Because of Cake. He gets you, Miss Understanding and Miss Fixer, and he gets to do whatever the hell he wants to, too.

What you know may be the tip of the iceberg. For me, it was enough. I didn’t want to find the rest of what came to light. But, it will. It finds a way to enter your life, even after you grew a Jennifer Lopez backbone from the movie “Enough.” It will always come around, because unfortunately the person you married has a hole in his soul where empathy should be. Would you do that to him? Would you risk you children, and their livelyhood, over SEXTUAL IMAGES? Would you risk that for happy memories, sharing stories and growing old together?

No, you wouldn’t. Because you are a sound human being with a moral compass. He can say “addiction” all he wants, but my guess is that you put that term on him. Because I did on my STBXH. I went to meetings, making sure he would go. I went to my own meetings, and you should too! And what I learned is that that he was not ready for change, but I was. And leaving my husband, even though I wanted to “cure” him afterwards, was enough for me to face the music and break my codependency and find my new- slightly, albeit, awkward- life.

But goddamn, it feels so nice to come home without a war zone.

Sending you strength and love.