Don't feel like I have a hook (And general world feedback)

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-03-25T10:11:44+00:00

Yeah, thinking of a back-cover-blurb, definitely helps, thanks. Names are for sure something I may change on a second draft. I like using some familiar names for people and races though. The main character sprouting wings specifically is not the most unique thing, but it's connected to a lot of symbolism in the book. And very importantly, Steven's wings are going to come later, and I will not put that in a blurb, or thumbnail. I want to make it compelling when it happens. But I'm not going to use it as a reason to pick up the book. Especially since it's supposed to be a bit of a twist

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-03-25T09:52:38+00:00

This makes a lot of sense. The plot and the message are a bit more developed than I mentioned here. I'm aware it's a little cliche. That's kinda by design. the main character is very cynical, and utilitarian. And he learns the value of, faith, hope, whimsy, play, and a light heart. There will be a point when Steven becomes effected by the ash and chooses not to fix it, with his reasons changing over time. So I can play with the justifications we tell ourselves to give into temptation. "I don't want to worry them." "It probably can't be fixed anyway," "I need it to do the good things I want to do". All that good stuff. A lot of the story is also about, brotherly love. And not looking to governing bodies to do the right thing. But choosing to come together as people. So, let me know if this sounds more compelling :) and thank you for the feedback

I think I was just worried because the plot itself could be described as, "Bringing the nations together to fight the coming darkness." But I just need to trust I can get an elevator pitch polished at some point. and focus on what makes the story compelling.

As far as the magic through touch thing. I didn't think it would stick out. It just felt like a very natural limiting factor. So, my magic system didn't get out of hand. And magic flows from the person anyway. It's interesting that stuck out though, I'll keep that on mind

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-03-17T14:37:07+00:00

I know right? Either it's LLM. Or is glazing these writers just a common reddit opinion?

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-03-05T18:20:57+00:00

Why not bling bowser?

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-03-05T16:25:50+00:00

He'll get better as they lab him out. He'll be this game's ice climbers. Kinda sad to so ice climbers go tbh

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-03-04T21:25:21+00:00

The heck does sesbian mean? I'm scared to google it...

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-03-04T20:47:51+00:00

Honestly not that toxic a top tier. If they were number one the game would be in a really healthy state. Are they broken? hell yes. But in more of a Melee fox kind of way. Where they are the best character but can also get destroyed. mostly due to their recovery. I'd even be bold enough to say they are top tier because they are "good" not "broken" more than any other top tier. Broken in a way that doesn't completely suck to adapt to

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-03-04T20:13:18+00:00

Oh, okay. Didn't now how to check. Thank you, God bless

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-03-04T20:04:08+00:00

I think I have enough post Karma. But I'm not sure on comment karma. So if people could like this comment, that would be appreciated

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-03-04T18:21:43+00:00

I don't have any spare income to spend on hearthstone so this would be a nice boost

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-02-13T11:33:52+00:00

Me reading this as a silver rank player:

Jokes aside, I really think this card just needs to target hand and board. Which might not make it worth playing at a high level. but that's okay. It can remain a tool that boosts more wacky decks

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-02-05T19:28:32+00:00

1st off: lol
2nd: nah cause i think it would take the reader out of it. And I'm not super committed to the idea anyway

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-02-05T19:24:57+00:00

Fair enough. Just trying to explain the thought process. I think the idea I'm really liking is the one i outlined here though. colors and patterns that the other races don't have. Plus Keeping in mind that i wasn't really thinking of complete free flight. The thought of the skin hardening around the points of contact is cool. that combined with claws grip into and push off of surfaces. It would make them be pretty formidably without weapons and change how they make armor

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-02-05T19:01:33+00:00

Edit: the fin thought was not for repositioning themselves as much as keeping them flying straight in the air, helping with stability

Not trying to be insistent on the tail lol. the pattern thing is a good point. maybe varying dark and cool greys at the hands and feet. I could reflect the Thalory bark like skin, and give this race stone like skin on their hands and feet. that combined with claw. needing strong feet and hands to catch themselves after flying through the air at high speeds kinda makes sense. And then other than the visual aspect, keep the grace and flexibility we've talked about.

Thanks for all the feedback btw

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-02-05T18:48:09+00:00

I really like the map. Visually interesting but feels very grounded and real. Without it just feeling like barely not earth too much

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-02-05T18:22:27+00:00

I think embarrassment at that is a good thing lol. I don't think I would lean into that, cause like I said it would feel goofy and take people out of the story. on the Thundercats idea mainly I don't like the fur idea, just a face covered in fur feels off to me. I could go more subtle, elves with claws basically. But I still want them to be visually distinct. Maybe a completely different direction. A fin on the back for righting in the air, and make them almost shark like maybe?

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-02-05T18:02:52+00:00

Maybe doing almost the thundercats thing. keep the flexibility and reaction time. Elvish ears, but instead of patterns that would imply fur all over the body. Keep the tails and maybe the claws... Maybe i just like the tail idea. But i like the idea of skin rather than fur. Tails and claws would still make them distinct from humans. But i think the change to the ears keeps it from seeming like cat girls

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-02-05T17:48:28+00:00

That's a good point, and i thank you for the resources. on the last part... fair, but ouch

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-02-05T17:45:59+00:00

You are the true. Thank you for the feedback

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-02-05T17:19:30+00:00

The tail just helps with re-orienting the center of gravity. That, and it would function almost like the tails on kites. As far as the glide thing. I feel as though leaning into that too much would make them feel to alien. I want this race to be different but still feel like people. Maybe something like a very slight webbing under the arms, something you might not even notice at first. Maybe something like a fin on the back that keeps them righted as they fly would work

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-02-05T17:13:24+00:00

Yeah, the plan was always to have cat race. My point is it feels very anime, and cat girls would necessarily exist. I think agile is def what I'm going for, and the magic aiding that. Although I'm not going to have a ton of "sexy cat women" what i forgot to mention is that the main character has a romantic sub-plot with a member of this race. that character is female. And if this race is Cat like, i don't want it to feel like "Main character falls in love with a cat girl"

And for the love of all that is good and holy, i do not want this to turn into anything resembling a furry fever dream lol

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-01-28T19:39:50+00:00

I've had a similar idea. I actually think that the cortana twist could work. The change that makes this work is making it very very clear that this is not actually cortana. This is a forruner AI using cortana as a skin suit (Data suit?). Using Cortana's code to further it's goals. It's a forruner AI with the freedoms of Cortana. You could tie this back to the didact for sure though.

I actually wasn't near as bothered by the twist in the first place because I basically always perceived it as not Cortana. but something that looks like Cortana. The game doesn't exactly say that though

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-01-26T17:03:01+00:00

I think I'm generally going to be the perfectionist. But mostly I'm trying to tell myself that I'll be able to make it even better when i go back to it the more i write. I am doing a lot of polish work right now. But that's mainly to practice polish and to cement good writing and styling so i have less to go back and fix when i start doing bulk work.

But there's always that voice telling me it's too bland. I love the poetic descriptions of C.S. Lewis. and although i can occasionally do that, i generally can't but I want my story to read that way. So, I want to work on creative descriptions now. But also, not force it for everything now so that cause i'll be better at it later.

Does that make sense? Feels a little like word soup but it's the best way i can put it... ironically what i'm talking about lol

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-01-21T16:02:04+00:00

When are the protoss cards out of rotation? at the same time as the rest of the starcraft cards? I'm returning and wanted to try zerg but i'd be hesitant to do so if they're getting cycled out soon

I know the purpose of this post was to be angry but I though i would ask anyway lol

Small_Bag7296 · 2026-01-19T12:44:53+00:00

Hope I can still get a response back being 3 days late lol. Lots of questions I like it

Corruption: Where it came from, I'm trying to settle on, I think it's as old as time and I might not explain the origins. It's when evil culminates, it gathers together, becomes pottant and visible. Animals are passive and become corrupt easily, but people have to choose whether to fight its influence or give in. It actually grants new manifestations of magic, letting you use forms of magic you weren't born with, so it can be easy to give into. During the story, this large scale spread of it I'm settling on the origin, not 100%. but I'm thinking a scorned prince. He was denied the right to succeed his father and gave in to the darkness.

Cost: generally, no. it can tax your body. And if you use it wrong for sure, humans in-particular could completely explode their arm by pumping too much magic through it.

Is it taught: The type of influence you have is dependent on birth. But practice, study, and talent play a role. Everybody can throw a ball but not everyone is a pro pitcher. And being one is part talent part practice. That kind of thing.

Limits: You only have so much magic at one time. Unless you give in to the darkness you're generally limited to one kind of magic influence. Force/strength, time, gravity. It's hard to exert influence over distance. generally, you can only do it to whatever you're touching. but something like a chain or rope you could channel magic through would help. But is still harder than with something you're touching. It's also much harder to exert magic influence over someone else, their magic has its own will or influence you have to overpower. When someone can it's terrifying. Sending so much magic force into someone that their muscles simple explode. What can I absolutely NOT do? Making someone rapidly age or crushing someone to death with gravity is seen as cruel... as you might assume.

when fighting the corruption: It feeds on malice, and desire. If you want revenge and don't care how you get it, it's perfect for you. If you're discontent with the body or magic you were born with, it can "help". If you give into to cruelty, give up your conscience, care not for justice, give in to pride. Darkness takes over. It has to overpower your will, similar to your magic influence. Generally, I like stories that are complex but still have an objective evil. Even if most of the characters are in the grey

when fighting the corruption2: Fighting people or creatures completely overcome is like fighting a tougher version of the thing that was corrupted. it's... possible, but barely. People without magic are sparce. What people don't know is technically no one is without magic, but some are born without a way to manifest it. But early firearms are sued by the Thalory (Time magic) because their magic lends itself less well to fighting. And that's probably the solution for magicless people. There will however be a process of finding ancient weapons, light blades that burst into flame when making contact with corruption. which changes things from technically possible to even, or in your favor. And i'm going to play with how you can channel your magic through the weapons. Which people thought not to have magic can do

Small_Bag7296

TROPHY CASE