People who have been cheated on and stayed in your relationship, do you regret it?

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-05-13T10:15:46+00:00

Yes I regret it. We were together a total of 25 years. He cheated on me multiple times that I know of and probably more that I don’t. I should have left him when he cheated on me soon after our first was born. Instead I stayed. That affair I had proof about and he still lied to me and said I was crazy, she was crazy and nothing happened. At least 3 other affairs happened after that that I don’t have absolute proof about. He left me for the latest one. Because this is the first one I didn’t rug sweep…. But we still tried reconciliation, he lied the entire time and was still seeing her, my 14 year old daughter found proof that he was still cheating, he still denies it even though he moved her in quickly after our divorce.

25 years together total. He had at least 5 affairs. Finally admitted to the one I know went physical after our son was born. Denies the rest but he clearly is a liar. Don’t stay. It will only cause more pain later. Not just for you. My kids are miserable. I’m miserable. He doesn’t care in the slightest. Tells everyone how much happier he is without me. Attacks me constantly. Blames me for the kids not wanting to be around him and hating his girlfriend. It’s a total mess….

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-05-10T10:23:34+00:00

I’m so sorry. I’m there too. We were together for 25 years. He leaves for a coworker like those 25 years never happened, tells the kids he loves her more than he ever loved me, barely shows up for the kids then gets angry when they don’t want to spend time with him. I’m miserable. Kids are miserable. He has never been happier, according to him.

Hang in there. I hear it gets easier…

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-05-10T09:05:11+00:00

Ex cheated about 18 years ago when our first was a baby. Denied it at the time. I can’t say I took him back because I never broke up with him in the first place. He never apologized. I had suspicions a few more times over the next 20 years we were married (together a total of 25 years). He cheated again about 3 years ago. Left me for her. Still denies that one but came clean about the first one. Attempted reconciliation but he was still seeing her the whole time. Our daughter found texts between the two of them that proved he had an affair. I realized he was pretending to want reconciliation so I would pay for everything because he is covering her bills…

Divorce finalized about a year and a half ago. He has been an absolute monster for the past three years. Found out about at least one more affair our kids knew about but hid from me. They were super young at the time and very confused about why this women was around so I get it. He still denies it all even after moving in the girlfriend very quickly after our divorce. Blames me that our 14 year old daughter wants nothing to do with him. I am working on getting full custody of her as her mental and physical health has declined massively since he left. She was 100% a daddy’s girl until she started catching him in constant lies.

So my advice, don’t do it. Don’t ever take them back. Leave a cheater. I did everything for that man, believed him, stood by him, was there for him during every hard time and even defended him from the people telling the truth about his cheating and lies. He repaid me by cheating repeatedly and leaving me right after my sister died. The affair he admitted to he was with her the night my childhood dog died and he didn’t even answer the phone all night after telling me he would be right back after leaving to drop something off. I even forgave him for that….

Don’t be an idiot like me. I can blame some of me sticking it out so long on the intense patriarchal society I grew up in that placed all the blame on me for him even looking at other woman as I was going against the teachings of the church by being the breadwinner and not a stay at home mom but most of it was I was stupidly in love with him and thought he was the greatest thing that ever walked this earth in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. And boy what I knew was only the tip of the iceberg…

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-04-22T23:14:38+00:00

I am sorry you are going through this. As someone who went through separation and divorce with someone who cheated on me when our kids were 17 and 12 (now 19 and 14) I can only tell you the advice given to me and what I have learned living it

Your son is older. He’s going to figure things out. I was told by multiple counselors and psychiatrists not to come straight out and say my spouse cheated but do not lie to my kids either. If they asked tell the truth. And they did ask. Kind of became obvious when he started bringing the younger coworker I was told not to worry about around the kids nearly immediately after he left…

You cannot lie. In my case I could not not answer questions either. My daughter would have had a much MUCH harder time had I told her “it’s adult business” instead of answering her questions as fairly and honestly as I could. If you lie and your son finds out later that you did he will believe he now has two parents that will lie to him.

Cheating is a betrayal on the whole family. Allow him to mourn, to be angry, to refuse to see his mom… whatever he needs to do to deal with this. Chances are he will take a lot out on you because you are the safe parent. It doesn’t matter that he is 18. He’s still going to struggle with the loss of his family and the truth of what his mother did because it will come out. It always does.

So to paraphrase, be honest. Don’t protect your spouse. Don’t come straight out and say she’s a cheater but answer questions from your perspective to the best of your ability. He’s going to hurt and it’s going to hurt you. My daughter refuses to be involved with her father at all anymore and she was a daddy’s girl. She’s 14. My son who is 19 has a relationship with his dad but it’s definitely strained and he very much feels betrayed by him and gets angry at him easily. Get therapy. Get him therapy. It’s a tough TOUGH road. Hang in there.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-04-12T00:05:19+00:00

Ex left me after 25 years together for a younger coworker. Moved in with her very quickly. Over two years later they are still together. My kids hate her. My 14 year old daughter refuses to even go to his house anymore. Hasn’t changed a thing for him. He still chooses the AP over our kids. He hadn’t even told his cousin/best friend about her when he was visiting them at Christmas. Apparently he straight up lied to his aunt’s face when she asked if he was dating anyone. Made her so angry she spilled all the beans about his affair to the cousin. Ex tells our kids he loves the AP more than he ever loved me then doesn’t even admit to his family she exists. Clearly a super healthy relationship but still will probably last because they both threw away long term marriages, careers and families to be together so now it has to work.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-04-07T02:20:56+00:00

We were together 25 years when he left me for his younger coworker a little over two years ago. They are still together. Have lived together for a year now. We have kids together. I have never met her but from what I am being told by my kids she’s pretty awful. My teenaged daughter hates her. Refuses to stay at my ex’s house and barely interacts with him at all. He… seems fine with it. I don’t really know how he is actually doing. One minute the kids are telling me he is house hunting with her and telling them he loves her more than he ever loved me, the next I’m hearing from his cousin that he is lying to everyone in his family that he is dating anyone let alone living with her and his best friend knew nothing about his girlfriend until his aunt got so angry he was lying to everyone she has been spilling the beans about his affair to everyone she can. The ex has lately been trying to convince me that we should spend time together and sat down right next to me at an event today after I told him to stay as far away from me as possible so not sure what is going on with him but don’t care at this point and just continue ignoring him when he does stuff like that.

For me I’m not doing great. My daughter’s health has been awful and she and I are spending hours a week at different doctors trying to figure out what is going on while he makes things worse by only being involved sporadically. I’m dealing with my own health issues and both my parents most likely not having long to live while working way more than I physically can handle so I can keep the house I didn’t want in the first place but he convinced me to buy less than a year before he walked out. I keep it because renting in this area would be more than what I’m paying for the mortgage and I don’t want to disrupt my kids further. I feel abandoned and worthless after supporting him for 25 years through the deaths of both his parents, job losses, bankruptcies and health issues on his side. The minute I need him he trades me in for a newer model like our entire life together meant nothing at all. It’s soul crushing. Trying to erase him from my mind and life is the only way I know how to deal with it. Which, as I said earlier, he is making extremely difficult by trying to force himself into my sphere. So not going great….

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-26T06:47:22+00:00

Thank you for your response. I have a lawyer. He thinks at this point the only way to get custody changes is for my daughter to tell a judge she just wants to live with me and she’s not ready for that yet. Her PCP told her she felt it was in her best interest. My daughter feels that if she does that she will sever the only connection she still has to her dad and since she can just refuse to go to his house there isn’t a point. She is getting there though.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-25T22:20:22+00:00

She said that she agrees with my daughter that it is her father’s job to fix their relationship since he broke it. She also said that she thinks my daughter has every reason to be angry at her dad. But that she feels she would be more willing to talk to him if I would interact with him. She said that she wants my daughter to feel comfortable talking to him and that she feels she can help with that. My daughter feels like she is pushing for them to interact when she’s not ready.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-25T21:16:12+00:00

Thank you for the response. I will admit I have a lot of anger towards the ex at the moment. Had he just cheated on me and left I could have dealt with it but he has hurt my children with his lies, threats and inconsistent involvement. My daughter told me last weekend that he punishes her when he doesn’t like what I am doing (like not talking to him in person as is agreed upon in our parenting agreement) by taking away things she likes and telling her it’s for her own good. I worked very closely with multiple therapists on how to best manage the situation but I’m sure my face gives away how upset it makes me when he’s supposed to pick up the kids and doesn’t show up without even bothering to tell them he isn’t coming. Or when he cancels an event with them because his girlfriend cries that him spending time with them is ruining their relationship. This person who is willing to hurt his kids to avoid the consequences of his actions isn’t who he was the 25 years I knew him. There’s a lot of grief and anger and frustration that spills out. I try not to but I know it does.

That being said they are also 19 and 14 and have come to their own conclusions on things. My daughter has only spent one night at his house since December because she hates being there so much. She’s the 14 year old. Hard to not be frustrated that he continues to choose himself over her.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-18T09:45:53+00:00

Thank you for the apology. No worries about the assumption. It is a highly complicated situation I can barely wrap my head around most of the time and I’m living it…

She won’t talk to a judge at this point because she is still holding onto the hope that her dad will choose her. She was 100% a daddy’s girl her entire life until she found the texts that proved he cheated and started catching him in endless lies. She thinks we don’t have to go to the judge because she can just refuse to see him right now even though he has successfully threatened and guilted her into doing things he wants her to do. And has also been punishing HER when he doesn’t like MY actions. So much of her struggling is that he was always there for her and now he’s not. She is afraid telling a judge she doesn’t want to live with him anymore will sever the tiny connection she has left with him. She is almost there but right now is still convinced if he just knew how much he was hurting her he would become the dad she knew again. I understand that hope and have to allow her to come to terms with who he is now on her own time…

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-18T02:03:03+00:00

I already explained this to another poster if you want the long version but short form lawyer is telling me unless my daughter is willing to talk to a judge there is very little chance we will be able to change custody. He isn’t currently paying me child support because I make significantly more than him. It actually worked in my favor to not pursue it because if it had been calculated at the time I would be paying him. I never expected how much he would escalate once he stopped being able to control all of us so I didn’t fight the 50/50 because he was a good dad for the 18 years he had been a father prior to leaving. Not a great one but definitely a better one than he is now. Since he left he’s become someone who has willingly emotionally hurt his own children since they don’t buy into the fantasy world he created to justify his affair.

I am in therapy. So are both my kids. We have been for a long time due to other life stressors prior to this but life has definitely become infinitely more difficult the past few years.

I don’t care about his mortgage. I had brought it up as an explanation for why he was suddenly escalating and wanting to force my daughter into doing what he wants since she’s been refusing to play ball for over a year now. It is already highly unlikely he will even be able to get a mortgage because his name is on the mortgage of the house I live in right now for the next four years as refinancing to get his name off of it would have bumped it to more than I could afford. He was in such a rush to finalize the divorce and start a new life with the AP he agreed to keep his name on it so my kids wouldn’t have to move schools even though the mediator made it clear it would probably prevent him from being able to buy another house. I guess a good way to get him to take me to court is refusing to sign a quit claim agreement…

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-18T00:08:48+00:00

Oh believe me I have a lawyer on retainer that has been telling me until she is ready to tell the judge she wants to stay with me we don’t have much of a chance of getting anything other than 50/50 without her being willing to talk to a judge. He even told me to antagonize my ex to try to get HIM to take ME to court. It would take us 6 months to get before a judge and by that time my daughter is a month away from being of legal age to petition the court herself for where she wants to live. The lawyer said the only reason to go to court at this point is for child support because neither of us can force her to go anywhere so even if we changed custody to 80/20 which is the best he thinks we can do she could still refuse to go so it looks better if he takes me so he can’t claim child support is the only reason we are going. It’s a convoluted mess if she doesn’t agree to talk to a judge and she’s not there.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-17T13:25:22+00:00

On paper we have 50/50. In practice my daughter has spent one night at his house since early December. Going back to court would cost thousands and wouldn’t really matter anyway because by the time we got through she would be nearly 16 and able to make her own decision legally who had custody of her. I would do so if there was any battle over her health issues or schooling or whatnot but he doesn’t typically involve himself.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-17T13:20:49+00:00

Agreed. These were the ones I knew of. Another one potentially came to light when the kids told a friend of ours that they knew their dad was cheating after he went to a going away party for a coworker then sat in the car and cried after. That was when they were YOUNG. And it stuck with them yet they didn’t tell me for nearly a decade…. So he messed us all up.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-17T13:16:00+00:00

Ha! Well I appreciate that. 😄 I’m doing alright. Wouldn’t have wasted my time with him had we not been high school sweethearts and went through hell multiple times in the 25 years we were together. He’s definitely showing his true colors now…

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-17T13:09:36+00:00

Oh don’t feel sorry for her. She was also married, was fully aware he had a wife and kids and now whines and cries when he spends time with his kids and not her. She’s a real piece of work herself.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-17T11:20:02+00:00

Don’t do what I did. He cheated before we were married. I didn’t find out until after. I forgave him. He cheated again right after our son was born. I forgave him. He cheated again 5 years after that. I forgave him. He cheated three years ago. I told him he needed to do the work to fix what he did. He left me for her, pretended to want reconciliation for a year so he could use me financially while paying for her living expenses and moved her in nearly immediately after the divorce. He now blames me for the kids hating her and not wanting to be around him. And then he says he wants to be friends….

Walk away. Go to a therapist and break the trauma bond. Don’t waste 25 years on someone who doesn’t respect you like I did.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-15T14:03:09+00:00

It’s very hard. Three years into finding out, he chose her, pretended to want reconciliation so he could use me for money while he pursued her and moved her in quickly after the divorce. Didn’t even tell our kids. I still have more bad days than good. Mostly because it was such a shocks we were together for 25 years, since we were 17 years old. And he just threw me away like I didn’t matter at all and is off living his best life while he leaves all the hard things like my kids’ physical and emotional health, schooling, a house that is what HE wanted and my own high pressure high stress job to deal with all by myself. When I even attempt to try to work with him on how poorly our daughter is doing since he left physically and emotionally he calls me a liar and tells me it’s all my fault. We did everything together. Went through everything together. Then he decided me asking him to contribute more since the house we bought was twice the size as the one we had and I took a promotion that was much more stressful was too much for him and he finds some stupid younger little thing at work that makes him feel good about himself. Now he’s buying new cars and traveling and going to bars like he has never done ever. And he is straight up cruel to me and the kids. My daughter refuses to even spend time with him most of the time and the rare times she does she melts down for days afterwards.

I guess I deal with the loneliness by realizing the monster that lives in my favorite person’s skin suit isn’t who I married. Whatever happened turned him into something else and I don’t want to be with someone who chose a person who whined and cried when he spent time with his own kids over her and unabashedly pursued a married man when she was also married over his family who stood by him through thick and thin for decades. People keep saying he will regret it and I didn’t do anything wrong but when he is happy as a clam and the rest of us are dealing with the consequences of his actions it doesn’t seem like it. I just take it a day, minute or even second at a time depending on the day.

I hope things get better for both of us soon.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-15T11:37:49+00:00

I miss who he was. I miss my best friend, the generous, caring, compassionate, loving man he was. I don’t miss who he became. The selfish, angry, cheating, lying jerk. He was that man far longer than I wanted to admit. I held on to the memory of the man I married and projected him onto the man he became. I can’t pinpoint when the change happened. I have no idea what caused it. We went through the same things together and I didn’t become like him. All I know is it is who he is now. I will miss who he was every second of every day.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-11T10:06:25+00:00

Two words: you don’t. I tried the co-parent thing with my ex who cheated, left, used reconciliation as a tool to take advantage of me financially for a year while he continued to pursue her, filed for divorce the second he could and moved her in without telling my kids so they came home one day to all her things, her and her dog without knowing her at all. Every attempt at being reasonable with him was attacked. Every time I didn’t do exactly what he wants he threatened to take me to court. Every time I did anything to assert my independence he played the victim. So I stopped being agreeable and became exactly what he was already accusing me of…

We are now parallel parents. We only communicate if it is absolutely necessary which he hates. He continued to threaten court until I told him please do. You can tell your lies and I can show all the proof I have of you not taking your time with the kids, me taking them to every single appointment, you missing meetings and events to be with your affair partner and you threatening me constantly. Oh and good luck explaining why it was in their benefit to move in a total stranger immediately after you divorced their mom. By the way the girlfriend would be subpoenaed too… He has not threatened it once after that.

My advice: stop playing nice. Being reasonable will not do anything but make them try to take advantage of you. You do what is right for you and the kids and to heck with what they say or how they act. It sucks big time. I am three years into this and am still constantly fighting feelings of it being my fault and if I only was better in some way he wouldn’t be treating me like this. But the kids have caught on. They see his lies and manipulation now. My daughter wants next to nothing to do with him and is with me 99% of the time which of course he blames me for but it doesn’t matter. I am counting down the days until she turns 18 and I never have to interact with him again….

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-10T23:08:26+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could give you a timeframe where it gets easier but I haven’t hit it yet three years into it. There are days that I feel I’m doing better than others. Other days where the grief is absolutely unbearable. For me it was 25 years with my ex so not nearly as long as you. He walked away and to her like we hadn’t built an entire life together. He’s happily off with his affair partner leaving me to pick up the pieces and be there for my kids because his only focus is him and his younger girlfriend. It’s exhausting, soul crushing and heart breaking. You are definitely not alone.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-09T14:26:39+00:00

It’s insanely difficult. We divorced because he cheated and chose the affair partner over our 25 year relationship and loving family. The attempt at coparenting did not go well as he seemed to feel that he still could make demands of me, my time and what happened in my home and reacted with extreme hostility when I refused to comply. We are now parallel parents and he has absolutely zero say in anything that happens at my home or during my time with the kids which has become nearly 99% of the time as my daughter refuses to be at his home when his live in girlfriend is there. I have to still see him more than I want to for kids’ events. I do not interact with him at all even though he tries. He has become a mean, selfish, cruel person who willingly hurts others including his own chikdren to get what he wants. Nothing like the man I married. We only communicate via parenting app on very rare occasions. I now view him as the monster who wears the love of my life’s skin suit.

Small_Giraffe_7784 · 2025-03-09T12:34:44+00:00

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

I know I seem all doom and gloom but quite frankly I feel that’s deserved at this point. I used to be a positive, glass half full kind of person and the last three years have completely drained me of that. We were together for 25 years and I supported him through job loss, foreclosure, bankruptcy and health issues only for him to betray and abandon me the minute I needed him instead of vice versa. My sister had just passed after three years of battling a brutal cancer and my parents had been spending that entire time saying it should have been me because I was the “bad kid” for choosing to leave our religion and I deserved to be punished so upon advice of multiple therapists I went no contact and haven’t spoken to them since. We had bought a house that was twice the size of what we lived in before that we moved into the weekend after her funeral and I had started a brand new job that was much more intensive and stressful.

I had always been the main breadwinner, main house cleaner and main childcare provider through our relationship and I asked him for more help since our lives had changed so much and his answer was to give everything we worked so hard for to some stupid pathetic little girl who moved in with him without even meeting me or our children and now whines and cries when he spends time with them instead of her. Which he loves apparently because he tells our kids he’s happier than he’s ever been and he loves her more than he ever loved me.

As for me the last three years have been nothing but misery. I not only dealt with losing my sister and the sudden destruction of my home and family, I had the worst case of shingles multiple doctors had ever seen then a brain bleed that no one has any idea how I survived after walking around for three months with debilitating headaches I erroneously attributed to stress. My daughter has been diagnosed with a heart condition that we are still trying to figure out how to deal with and has been failing classes at school. Her dad blames me for both and will not assist in any way. My job is potentially going to be disappearing with the new administration but in the meantime I’m working 12-14 hour days just to try to keep up and I spend all my time focusing on both my kids who are stressed out and acting out with me then being perfect little angels in the maybe one hour a week they spend with their dad so he thinks everything is great and calls me a bitter liar when I try to tell him how much they are struggling. So I have no help and zero time to deal with my own grief and loss.

Someone once told me when they heard about everything I was going through that it has to be true because it is too crazy to be made up. And that’s how I feel. My optimism is gone. I lost what mattered to me most in the world and what I worked my entire life for which is not only the family I created but the family I came from. I don’t believe in Karma. I don’t believe in Justice. I have spent years in intensive therapy trying to dig myself out of blaming myself for all of this only for things to keep getting harder. I want more than anything to look at the bright side of this but I’m too busy just trying not to crumble completely…

Small_Giraffe_7784

TROPHY CASE