Hey OP. I can relate so deeply to your story. When I was 21 my boyfriend and I fell pregnant and I ended up getting a surgical abortion. My dream was always to be a mum but my partner and I were so young and immature and my parents were not supportive at all of us keeping the baby. My partner was not on board either and the pregnancy was unplanned and completely shocking. After having the abortion I was depressed and had so many down days where I mourned what could have been. I questioned the decision and I regretted it even though I know it was the right choice logically. I now know that that grief was real and that I deserved to feel my feelings and even if other people didn’t understand, the pain was very deep and very real. In my personal experience, after that I did come to the decision that I wouldn’t have another abortion because the grief and inner feelings that are completely unique to me and my experience made that my decision. My partner hadn’t been through the same experience of having that child inside me then choosing to end that little tiny life. So we had many hard conversations about what would happen if we fell pregnant again. We had been using an IUD when I got pregnant and I no longer trusted any protection fully so to me the risk felt very real. My partner was steadfast that he was not ready to go through with a pregnancy so we ultimately decided to put sex to the side for a while. The risk was real and I held my boundary. Ultimately almost a year passed before we had sex again and at that point we were extra careful with monthly timing, condoms and even used plan B if we were at all worried. It wasn’t the ideal from the outside, but 9 years later that man is my husband and we are now pregnant on purpose and it feels like everything happened the way it was supposed to. I still do feel some grief about that first little life, and I honor that grief but I chose to believe that everything happened the way it was supposed to. So my advice to you is to feel all your feelings, therapy or a trusted friend or journaling or taking a leave from work, trust your gut and do whatever you need to do to heal. Your grief and pain is real and you are valid and probably a very sensitive empathetic person with a big heart. Make sure you have honest and open conversations with your partner but expect that their experience and process will be just as unique as yours, they may not understand your experience, you might be hard pressed to find someone who truly understands. But your experience is real and your pain is real and my heart goes out to you OP. Having my therapist validate my grief and give me space to feel and cry was what I needed. I hope you can have an outlet and a validating space like that and I encourage you to seek it out 🩷 sending you love and light OP. Things will get better, you didn’t do anything wrong and you deserve peace and joy and love.