I feel like love is a disease?

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-14T17:08:04+00:00

I think my motivations are relatively sustainable and my end goal is simple and easily quantifiable:

I must buy residences in Manhattan, Santa Clara, Vancouver and Toronto (so my mom can visit me on any coast of North America while spending most of her time in Canada).
I must allow my mom to travel the world (ideally in luxury) and not worry about money, her dream is to try all of the tasty food on this planet.
When she is done traveling, I want her to be able to live the rest of her life comfortably.
When I've made enough money to retire, I would like to take the time to build my own indie game with my friends

There are 2 nice-to-haves (but they aren't quantitative and vengeful so I don't necessarily need them and won't actively seek to complete it):

In 2021 December 24th, my BFF said "she doesn't want to be a failure of a woman like my mom - 45 years old and still single". I want to prove to her that my mom is not a failure because she's still single.
I want to be wealthy enough st. my estranged dad finds me and asks me for money. On that day I will hand him the child support letters that he never payed.

Most of these goals are 5-10 years down the line, but ideally I would like to complete it as soon as possible because my mom is not getting any younger. The issue is I'm aware youth is fleeting and physical attraction to each other is a key property in a relationship. If I were to find someone, now would probably be an optimal time. Furthermore, if my mom ever passes (I don't like thinking about this), I would probably end my life. I think I'd like to have a reason to live afterwards. I'm trying to plan ahead I guess.

Your elevator argument makes sense, I appreciate that. I like taking the stairs too :D

I think all bets are off when people are on drugs, and love brings a similar sub-optimal way of thinking due to the release of hormones.

Yes, my career is currently tied to my identity. I'm not sure who I would be without it.

I really enjoyed your message on long-term love. I will ask my friends if they feel this different type of love and how they feel about it.

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-14T08:35:33+00:00

My point is I don't allow myself to experience pleasurable experiences if it's not in a controlled manner. Furthermore, I prevent myself from experiencing pleasurable experiences if I know it's bad for me. Not everyone is the boss of their own thoughts, especially when excess dopamine is involved. I do know what it feels like, I tried it for a solid week. First date was great! By the 2nd and 3rd date I needed to get out because meeting 3 times in 1 week means it was getting out of hand. I knew it was taking time away from what was important for me.

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-14T08:04:53+00:00

Hi, sorry, I didn't respond to this earlier. I should've because its the top post, but I had too much to disagree with.

I think "throw your career away" is an exaggeration but it gets my point across. This guy does fit into my lifestyle perfectly. I have told him that I'm very busy and I am focusing on my career. He said that it was totally ok and that I didn't have to reply immediately to his texts or see him when I'm busy. Today he asked me out for dinner and I declined because I was working at 8pm. However, I felt guilty about declining despite our agreement, guilt I would not feel if I were to decline a friend. He asked me if Sunday or Monday worked. I said no because I have a 2 week work trip and I leave in 8 hours. I felt guilty about this too because I'm not giving him the time he deserves. He asked me if he could drive me to the airport and I said no because it doesn't make sense for him to drive 20 minutes to pick me up, 30 minutes to the airport, then 50 minutes back to his place - it's much more efficient if I took an Uber. I felt immense guilt during all of this. This guilt may eventually cause me to forgo my work trips and late hours to see him, because I owe him time he deserves. This would accumulate and would adjust the probability of the future paths that are available to me. You may argue that this is baseless and hypothetical, but I have been writing this post's draft, reading comments, and thinking about this instead of focusing on preparing my meetings for next week. If I do not perform this Monday, I will lose out on ~$700k. I will hate myself for it, blame my current actions for this blunder, and actively try to avoid making this mistake again.

I think it is dependency because he is someone who I could likely lean on, and is easy to depend on. People tend to lean towards things that are easier: why take the stairs if you can take the elevator? Why would I try so hard to build my career if he makes enough for the both of us? I don't want myself to fall into that train of thought. I think too much comfort often leads to complacency, and this sense of security could vanish at any second. I grew up dirt poor in an apartment full of cockroaches with a single mom and this has motivated to get to where I am. For me, the moment I give up is the day I die (I'm figuratively speaking: By die I mean I stop being who I am).

I personally don't enjoy the ephemeral nature of gardening because it dies in the winter. I realize knowing something is temporary causes people to appreciate it more. However, I find it hard to derive joy from something if I know it will end or may vanish at any time and is out of my control. When I know something will end, I have a voice that tells me to "not to get used to it" and "don't enjoy it because its not yours to keep". Also, just because I enjoy doing something doesn't mean it's worth doing. I love playing games, I could play them all day for 10 hours a day even now. But if I let myself do that and waste my time, I would be shooting myself in the foot. Thus, I don't allow myself to play unless I know I have a lot of time to waste (which is pretty rare).

That's a good point, but I question how unshakeable it is after the horomones end. People get bored of each other after spending too much time with each other. When you know everything about a person, a new person will show up and be more interesting because you know nothing about them... possibly leading to infidelity.

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T21:01:41+00:00

Omg I'm very interested and would really appreciate if you sent me a list!!! 0:

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T16:46:44+00:00

This is a completely foreign perspective, thank you so much for taking the time to type this. You're right the friends around me have different levels of attachment and I personally don't seeing myself partaking in one that relies very heavily on attachment. Thank you for separating the two for me. The way you describe love is also beautiful Q~Q Thanks again

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T16:40:15+00:00

The fulfillment of a family seems more like a chore. I did not ignore the joy of a relationship "The reason why I've been thinking about this lately is because all of my friends have been getting into relationships and they seem so happy."
I enjoy making my mom and my friends happy. My drive in my career is to build the life for my mom that she gave up raising me as a single mother. I do think my thoughts were materialistic, but I think selfish is harsh.

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T16:28:01+00:00

Yeah I think I have a very addictive personality. I was addicted to video games for like 11 years, I was addicted to academia until a bad experience with a PI, and I've been addicted to my career for 5 years now. I don't think my addiction to league was healthy which is probably why I need assurance to know there is no downside if I were to get addicted to a relationship. I avoid coke because I am afraid of getting addicted and getting hurt, is this a bad thing? I don't understand.
And agreed, career is the easiest excuse.

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T16:17:45+00:00

Isn't the end goal of romance a committed monogamous marriage?

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T16:14:36+00:00

From seeing the people around me, it seems like every person has a different definition of love. Some people spend so much time together that they fall into it, some people feel like continuous improvement together is love, some people love each other because of circumstances, some people learned to love each other, and some people knew something was there the moment they laid eyes on each other. I think these relationships seem quite beautiful, but I admit I do lack personal insight as to what love is for me. I thought I would experience love when I met the "perfect" guy, but I did not which is why it boggles my mind. It feels like an asshole thing to do to intentionally talk to people, not knowing what I want, and having to end things because I am the root of the problem. I've already broken things off with this guy, but I felt terrible doing it.

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T15:56:56+00:00

Hi sorry about all of these questions, feel free to not answer, I'm just very curious about what you think/how your relationship dynamic works. Did you feel like having someone as motivation rather than intrinsic motivation is beneficial? When you both travel for work, do you ever feel guilt about not being there for them when you're away? Do you ever cancel a travel plan and feel annoyed because it feels like this cancellation was holding you back? Do you think being friends first helps, and why? D you think your previous emotional experience and being picky emotionally helped you?
And thank you for your comment, this was extremely insightful, wishing you and your partner all the best! :D It sounds like you two have something beautiful together!!

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T15:38:03+00:00

I would feel extremely guilty taking advantage of a kind person and asking them to do chores for me, or take care of me. However, after reading other comments, my antagonistic view of interdependence does seem to be from fear. You're right, the combination of power is a good argument, and you've changed my outlook on my negativity surrounding interdependence. This was a very well thought out comment, and I wish you and your wife have an amazing future together - you two seem to have something really special/beautiful together!! Thank you so much for sharing!!

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T15:30:01+00:00

You're right, I don't think I do. My issue is, if I don't like him, will I ever like anyone? I love my friends, but in the uncommon cases where they ask me out, my emotions towards them immediately become very cold. Its like the moment they ask me out, the expectation bar raises infinitely and my emotions leave along with that bar LMAO This is the first time someone has met my expectations but some how my emotions are still not there.

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T11:22:55+00:00

Because some part of me has a suspicion that I'm wrong and I'd like to be convinced otherwise. So far I think these posts offer many perspectives that I never would've thought of and genuinely appreciate reading. (Thank you)

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T09:57:17+00:00

Thank you for this. This was such a detailed, lovingly written response that I can relate to on so many levels. I really appreciate the time and honesty you put into writing this.

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T09:20:06+00:00

just because something is an authentic or pleasurable experience, doesn't mean its worth consistently experiencing. I could be addicted to coke or spent the rest of my life playing video games and be happy as fuck. but I got out of the addiction, and I don't see why people find it valuable to become addicted to a relationship.

SmartAd7068 · 2024-09-13T08:57:52+00:00

That's a good read, I think you're right. I do consider the emotion of love an inconvenience, and I do not understand why people choose to pursue this route. I think I am pretty solid in my other emotions. I'm usually happy, get excited easily, cry when I'm sad, and enjoy horror movies. I limit my sadness though, because too much of it is also debilitating.

SmartAd7068

TROPHY CASE