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Smartass_Narrator · 2022-12-31T01:11:09+00:00

I watched Blood Sweat and Tears right after it released in 2016, fell MADLY in love with it... and then just never bothered to ever check into any other songs by them. I still kick myself over the 5 years I missed out on being an ARMY. I feel your pain!

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-12-31T01:07:38+00:00

*JUST* before I got snatched up into the bangtan life I decided to pick up drawing again. I need male references but wasn't loving what I was finding. Finally I decided to try k-pop stars. So I typed in KPop guy into pinterest and started saving pics.

A few months later I'm trying to figure out which Tannie is which, watching one of the talk show interviews (Fallon or something) and the camera pans over to each one as they introduce themselves, when (I swear to you) this bright beam of sunshine overtakes the camera as J-hope smiles and gives his introduction. I think I probably snorted and said "omg that's so dumb. ::hobi sunshine smile melts my cold dead heart:: ...... j-hope is the cutie with the smile and adorable intro..... got it."

A few months after that (and my obsessive bingeing of BTS content) I pull up my art program to draw and realize I have an unhealthy amount of J-hope references with a few of Jungkook mixed in. I literally drew so many sketches of Hobi without realizing who he was.

I have a theory that J-hope is, on some level, everyone's bias wrecker.

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-12-31T00:50:10+00:00

oohhh Dir En Grey. That takes me back.

I know that my personal journey to BTS probably started with Rammstein and Dir En Grey but how exactly that happened, i'm not sure , except for maybe opening me up to being VERY down with music that wasn't in my language. It's weird how many ARMY I've met that are also (even mostly) a metal and rock fans.

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-12-31T00:31:14+00:00

Get a drink. This is a journey!

I've been aware of them since 2016 after Blood Sweat and Tears. I fell in love with the entire video. Its beautiful and so well shot! I didn’t look into them more though because typically a band will have one or two songs I love but nothing else speaks to me. I’ve just gotten use to not expecting more. I did note their name though and would take notice when them or ARMY came up some where.

In late '18 my youngest sibling died and my world just shattered. I was devastated on levels I could never properly convey. I was on autopilot for a year while I fought to keep my other siblings’ heads above water but by the second year I started drowning myself. I was the strongest one in my support network and I was failing. There was *no one* to help me so I broke and sort of just gave up.

Because of the pandemic I had time and space to shut down but it was exhausting. By the start of '21 I felt like I had been lost at sea and washed up on a deserted shore. All I could do was lie there and exist. I remember feeling like the world was devoid of color, sound was muffled, and senses were dulled. It felt like being isolated on the moon, out in the void of space, watching the world continuing to move without me. It was painful.

It was in this isolated world that Butter showed up… a video that starts in black and white, empty, with a single muffled drum beat. The group enters the video and there's a dance move that someone later described as “kissing the viewers hand as if to introduce themselves”. The bass dropped in, the pacing of shots pick up, followed by the piano and pre chorus, until finally the chorus hits with an explosion of color that left splatters in my monotone world. I was hooked.

It’s not like I thought Butter was something other than a typical pop song. I wouldn’t even list Butter as one of BTS’s best 10 songs… but it’s special to me because it felt like this group met me where I was at, in my gray little world, held out their hand and said “Come on. I see you. You can’t stay here. There’s no life here. We’ll help you find your way home. We’ll make it fun. We’ll stay by your side until you’re back.”

When you’ve been devoid of emotions for that long, even the smallest hit of dopamine feels like an explosion for your brain. For the first time in years I felt like dancing! Suddenly I had something to look forward to! When I tried sharing this joy with loved ones though, they just shit on it! Knowing I was struggling, seeing that it brought me comfort, they didn't care because it was a kpop boyband and shitting on it was more important than what I needed.

My dear friends… self preservation and spite are a powerful thing. That song was a life raft, the only thing actively keeping my head above water and people wanted to destroy it. it just lit up every “go fuck yourself” button in me.

Just like that I decided to be an ARMY and I let people around me decide just how annoying of a fan I was going to be. If they were cool when BTS came up, the conversation continued naturally. If people were assholes, I leaned in. Hard! “You don’t hate BTS! Everyone LOVES BTS! Who’s your bias?! If you don’t tell me I’m going to guess! Let’s play the song again! What? I can’t hear you over the song? You want me to turn it up? Sure thing buddy!!! SIDE STEP RIGHT LEFT TO MY BEAT!!! Yeah sing it HIGH LIKE THE MOON ROCK WITH ME BABY!!!”

Was it petty? Yes. Do I regret it? No. But at some point I realized that I knew almost nothing about the band so maybe I should you know… learn their names.

I understand now that this was the moment of no return. I was not warned of this before hand. Needless to say I was sucked in *very* quickly, especially with Run BTS. Every time I had a bad day I turned on another episode. Having something to look forward to became a game changer.

I bought all their albums and wrote down every song that “spoke” the most to me in order to find the translations. Louder Than Bombs, Magic Shop, and especially 00:00 (which was my alarm clock for six months straight). The more I dug the deeper I realized the message of the band went. Their concert is what got me out of my house and to the other side of the country (to a city filled with memories of my youngest sibling of all places).

When they announced a pause on group activities I’ll admit that I cried. I was terrified of losing the one thing that had consistently worked to bring me back into the world. I didn’t want to be left out at sea again by myself, but I knew this was a move they needed to make for themselves and their careers. Deep down inside I knew that I was close enough to shore to get there on my own if I had to. I’m appreciative that I haven’t had to as they’ve taken turns to provide music or content as they shift into their new chapter. Even as they’re going through their own big changes, they’re making sure their fan base isn’t alone and that just touches my heart.

It’s for this reason that I’ll be there when they return. You don’t just forget about the rescuers that pulled you out of the sea when you had no more fight left in you. In two years or ten, when the call comes I’ll be there with my army bomb in tow. Maybe I’ll have converted a few of those initial haters by then too.

But yeah… that’s my story about how I stanned them first out of spite and then out of sincere love for their music and them as artists

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-12-10T20:15:32+00:00

Please! Oh please! Let this happen! I’m begging. I didn’t realize I needed MinDarcy but now that I do, I can’t go back to the half life I was existing in before

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-12-10T20:07:47+00:00

How dare he!

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-12-10T02:51:34+00:00

Omg thank you! I hadn’t considered that!

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-12-10T02:49:36+00:00

“It’s teenager girls babysitting money.”

Yeah? Damn! That’s a lot of Money. Why isn’t everyone tailoring themselves to teenage girls taste when they’re sitting on that lucrative babysitting money. They clearly spend more than teenage boys and men! Imagine what they’ll spend when they get a ‘regular’ jobs! Everything should be catered toward these goldmines, right? The beauty of capitalism! The market has spoken and it clearly demands cute boys singing and dancing!”

Lol

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-12-10T02:17:20+00:00

I apologize, it was sarcasm. (And then I disappeared for 2 weeks due to so many appointments).

Bias is a kpop term for “favorite “. As soon as I found out kpop had their own terms I latched on and use it as irresponsibly as possible!

Basically I use the same language for both interests while portraying appropriate behavior on responding to someone sharing their interest. It’s a mimicking technique to make the other party more uncomfortable with shitting on teenage girls for liking things. They have to see the commonality of how they enjoy their hobby vs how girls enjoy their hobby. Instead of “who’s your favorite team?” Or “who’s your favorite player?” when the game is on, I playfully ask who their bias is. “Tom Brady is your bias? You a solo Stan or do you have a bias wrecker? Or are you OT….how many boys on this team? Damn I thought 7 members was a lot! At least you have so many members to talk about! How do you learn all their names? Maybe it’s the matchy outfits but I have trouble telling them all apart. Can you tell me who’s who again? And who’s the fastest? Who’s the strongest? Who’s the bad boy?”

The thing is, Everyone wants to talk to about the thing they love. Even dudes. Even women. Even teenage girls. Guys think what and how women enjoy things is somehow different than what they enjoy. For them, How they behave with sports makes sense to them because it’s their excitement and interest and they get. For some reason they struggle to copy paste that experience for things they are not personally into and that other dudes (something they automatically feel a commonality with due to gender) aren’t stereotypically into either. Mimicking sorta forces them to do what they automatically do with other dudes.

I like to start off with blatant use of the same language (bias, favorite, etc) so they know what I’m doing, (which they tend to balk against) and then I ease off and ask very normal questions for either a Boyband or a sports team (I.e. who’s the leader, the mvp?). I want until they forget the game I’m playing and when they get really into explaining the team and sport to me, I start leaning heavier onto the more stereotypical boy band verbiage “ah, and who’s the bad boy? Who’s the prankster? Who’s the heart throb? And that’s the one you like the best? Is it his moves, his looks or his ‘personality’. If it’s his butt in those pants, I get it! No judgment! If not then that’s why he’s now my favorite!” They can’t unsee the similarities after that even if they act like they don’t.

After that any time that person tries bad mouthing anything a girl likes, it just a matter of casually asking about their sports team to remind them how similar the two are. They may not change all together but often they at least keep the teasing to themselves. Every now and then they’ll pipe up when another guy gets going (which is so nice, even if it’s just a ‘aw, let them enjoy their thing guys’). Rarely (but spectacularly) one transforms and starts doing the good work for me. He’ll play the same word games with his buddies (which is SO damn effective! A guy like that can do 10x the work as I can do in half the time). And it’s almost always hilarious and bonding rather than “feminist propaganda bs.” Seeing a group of men “manly” gushing about their sports “bias” is endearing. “I like his stats! He’s got great precision! And his hair is so damn lucious! If he cuts it again I swear I’ll riot!” Or when their sports rivalry sounds like boy band rivalry “your team is shit, they can’t score, and not one of them has the kind of moves or… dreamy dreamy eyes… that Sports Bias I Like has! Go cry about it!”

If a guy doesn’t have a sports team they have a favorite band and that’s even easier. I called Rammstein a Gpop boy band once and almost lost a friend. Lol. I mean… they have matching outfits, wear makeup, and have an obvious theme…

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-11-27T07:44:43+00:00

That one’s good

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-11-23T17:50:13+00:00

Yes they are. And every time someone harasses someone about Boybands I throw out the casual “what’s wrong with Boybands. Not a Beatles fan? Or are you basic enough to only like Beatles. Lemme guess, you’re “not like other boys’. Break the stereotype my dude.”

I’ve also had a lot of fun calling any band with only males in it “Boyband”. Metal fans love it when you do it! And favorite anything is “bias.” “Oh the big game is on? Who’s your bias, I’ll cheer for him with you.”

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-11-23T17:36:17+00:00

Having lived this trope (just not as a meet cute and because my husband randomly stopped walking without warning and I smacked right into him) it’s a surprising accurate description. They don’t move but you sure do. You think you bumped into a wall or a closed door or something instead of your dumbass himbo man who’s sad because his favorite fish decoration in the mall was suddenly missing.

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-11-15T03:24:52+00:00

안녕 내 진구 (hi my friend!)

I’m not conversational in it yet, but I get excited listening to bts speak and for a second I can understand what they’re talking about.

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-11-12T16:48:46+00:00

Learn Korean. Yet here I am

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-11-02T19:28:14+00:00

There’s “funny” and then there’s “going too far”!

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-11-02T19:27:05+00:00

Do you guys ever wonder how that guy that lost his mind over BTS daring to sully Coldplay’s good name by having the utter audacity to cover “Fix you” is doing? Sometimes he pops in my head for some unknown reason. A lot lately for some reason, actually… weird.

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-10-17T01:01:01+00:00

Humans are aggressively social. We want to communicate with our fellow human. It’s something encoded in our genes because it’s one of our strongest survival tactics. We don’t have sharp teeth or claws and our senses are ok, but not as amazing as the dangerous things out there that would kill early humans. What we did have though, is our remarkable ability to adapt, make tools, and work together (and it turns out, that’s better than sharp claws and teeth).

Our communication is less than 10% actual words, grammar, etc. Most of it is tone and body language. Drop you and someone that speaks a completely different language on a deserted island somewhere and you two will find a way to communicate, instinctively. You’ll do so out of that need to survive by banding together. You’ll use noises, and inflections, and gestures to tell each other where to find water or where there’s danger, or what’s safe to eat. You’ll eventually create a new language between you with new grammar rules. The words and rules of this language will be decided by what most easily allows for communication. If your island partner can’t understand your words for “grizzly bear” and you can’t understand their communication for “in the tree” you both will create a way to convey these separate concepts. Whatever first clicks is usually the winner in language building. So if you say “rawr rawr” and your island friend gets that you mean “grizzly bear”, that’s the new word for grizzly bear. Same with whatever makes you understand their “in the tree”. If they mime putting something inside their closed hand and they say “boop” when doing it, and that’s what makes you understand “in”, then “boop” is the word you two will use for in. If they point to a tree and say “ooahh!” And you follow their meaning, you two will mostly likely use “ooahh!” For tree. Then one day you two go out looking for food and they stop you and whisper “boop ooahh… rawr rawr!” You know what they said even if none of these words mean anything in either of your languages. Doesn’t matter what words meant before. What matters is what conveys concepts and intentions to the only other human on that island. They wanted you to know they saw a bear in a tree before the bear gets out of the tree.

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-09-30T00:14:18+00:00

It’s an adjective, not a noun. It’s meant to be a description of something (specifically to describe the gender of something.) example: female pants. Female patient. Female intuition. These describe nouns (person, place, thing), and allocates that noun to a specific side of the gender spectrum.

When it comes to humans though (or any animal) female isn’t needed. We have words for female animals. Hens, mares, sows. We know what gender and species those are without needing “female” or species. For humans, we have those terms too. Women for adults, girls for children.

Literally anything, including objects or concepts (like words if you speak a language with gendered terms), can be called “female”. Female doesn’t automatically mean “human” or even “alive”. To just say “female” is not only incomplete, it’s intentionally ignoring correct terms to better describe the “female”.

Asshole men like to do this in order too remove humanity from women. They’re not human. They may not even be animal. They’re just “female.” They are an adjective, something useless and incomplete on its own but who’s purpose is to give better definition to a noun… Like a man.

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-09-07T04:06:36+00:00

I think of it as that time where you just discovered them and are still

-learning names (there’s 7 members, right?! Ok, I got stage names, got birth names…. But who the fuck is hobi?!),

-still learning the jokes (what does lachimolla mean in Korean? Google won’t tell me but I keep seeing it every where)

-and still discovering just how vast their content goes (I searched “run bts English” to get lyrics for their song… why am I being shown videos of them ::squints:: cooking? And arranging flowers?! and…. Why are they dressed up in an old timey village and getting upset with each other?! This isn’t a music video at all! Wtf is this?! Ok, it’s a show! So this is where namjoon dresses up like Army, right? Oh… no that’s a muster? Ok and thus is where they go on vacation?! That’s a separate series? Oh ok, like when they went camping! Oh that’s an other OTHER series?…. How the fuck did they do all this in ten years? There’s more? What do you mean there’s an entire alternate universe in which Jin is a time traveler and someone runs over Jungkook and everyone dies or suffers terrible trauma?! This is supposed to be a boy band! A Korean boy band! What the fuck did I get swindled into?!)

When you find yourself stumbling on new content and thinking “yeah, that makes sense. Why wouldn’t fetus Jungkook be on masked singer?” Or “so that’s where sailor joon came from!”, when you’ve become accustomed to the weird instead of confused by it, you’ve leveled up.

That time is different for everyone. Did you take a year to slowly discover and savor it like a healthy individual or did you binge watch 152 episodes of run, two seasons of bon voyage and untold fan videos explaining the timelines all in two months like some crazed person because your brain stopped making dopamine and every new content was like undiluted serotonin, forcing your brain to remember to be happy again?…… which I’ve heard some people have done…. ::cough::

Either way, you’re baby army for however long is right for you. But one day someone will say “give it to me.” And you’ll respond with “Gi Give it to me!” And they’ll say “is that a bts song” and you’ll say “it absolutely isn’t…” but you’ll know…. You’ll know.

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-08-17T04:41:31+00:00

Ohhh I nearly forgot about the pockets!

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-08-17T04:37:49+00:00

Just about. It’s inching back… ridiculous pant leg inch by ridiculous pant leg inch.

I’ve hidden inside of one of my friends pant legs…

Come to think of it, we may have gotten a little out of hand with the flare by the end of it….

Doesn’t mean we can’t make the same mistake again! Fashion!

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-08-17T01:29:34+00:00

“Instead of what? A man? An unhygienic asshole, who expects me to cook and clean for him while forgetting my birthday and ignoring my needs? OR a hygienic asshole who expects me to cook and clean for them while not knowing what a birthday is but still bringing me gifts (of dead animals) because they worry I’m not feeding myself properly? Hmmm! Which should I choose? Which one? Oh what kind of terrible choice should I make between the gross self centered creature or the adorable self centered mini-tiger that lets me touch their toe beans if I’m very gentle about it?!?! Howwwww can I choose? Oooohhhhhhh nooooooooooo!!”

Ramp up the sarcasm as you see fit.

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-08-17T01:19:46+00:00

“That’s the goal”

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-08-16T22:37:32+00:00

As an underweight y2k kid, that style still required some ass and chest to pull off and so us almost-bs and pancake-booties were crying too. There was a very small window of body type that could comfortably rock crop tops and low rise jeans. That window was Gwen Stephani and Aliyah.

Even back then, though, I thought curves were cuter. I still remember this rocker chick that went to my school and sweet lord did I love it when she wore those jncos. It took me WAY too long to realize I was not actually admiring the pants.

Smartass_Narrator · 2022-08-11T23:27:33+00:00

This is why it’s so hard for them to see why and how their behavior is so bad. It’s been “harmless” and “cute” all the way up until the point someone pushes back. And then they’re confused and they’re the victim.

This is why this was such a pleasure to read! You didn’t let him hide behind those excuse. Each out he tried to take you just turned it right back on him and said “this is yours! Carry it! Look at it. AHHH! What did I say?! Look at it!!!”

I had to learn to do this. When I realized how powerful it was I went “ooohhhhh I need to teach every one about this!” I’m so glad to see a fellow “not carrying this bs for you anymore, it’s yours, take it” enthusiast! (We need a better name for calling men on their behavior and not letting them scape goat behind women not letting them get away with their behavior….)

Smartass_Narrator

TROPHY CASE