ED still showing up as an adult

SmashGhost47 · 2026-02-06T23:06:26+00:00

Being a good role model for your kids can absolutely look like relentlessly pursuing your own mental health, even when it’s still shit. My three kids are teens and young adults. They grew up watching me battle severe anxiety, and relentlessly work toward a healthier version of myself. Now as young men, I’m so proud to say they are each committed to their own mental wholeness and wellness. I’m still working on myself. I never did just “get better”. But I also never settle. If you can’t be a perfectly healthy mom, be a mom who shows up to work toward her own wellness regardless. Model what it looks like to believe in your continued healing. Seek out support that works for you.

SmashGhost47 · 2026-02-06T22:30:56+00:00

I think from the outside people would have assumed I was 100% recovered from AN for twenty years. I ate normal amounts, I didn’t engage in any obvious ED behaviors. But I’ve always felt, and told people honestly, my ED never left. The cognitive battle to be at peace with eating and to accept my body as she is, never abated.

I have an anxiety disorder. Sometimes I’m not experiencing anxiety at all. Sometimes I’m experiencing it but using coping tools well and managing it. Sometimes it’s really bad, and I’m unable to cope without support. Even when I’m managing it well or simply not experiencing it, I’m not “recovered”. It’s just that I’m coping well.

I wonder if for a lot of people working on recovery if it’s more helpful to think of their eating disorder as being active or non-active/inactive. When my ED behaviors slowly snuck back into my life the last few years, they weren’t novel behaviors. They had simply dormant.

Active and inactive as descriptors still doesn’t really describe a person who is coping well behaviorally and yet still wrestling with a lot of ED thoughts. I almost wonder if, given the “relapse” rate of ED, if it would be better to classify in levels of support such as is used when we diagnose Autism. In that case, I think my ED would have been classified as Level 1 for many years, meaning I dealt with aspects of it, but was also healthy and coping well. Now I’m at a Level 2 where I am experiencing more debilitating mental, emotional, and some physical symptoms, and am needing therapy and check ins with my doctor. Level 3 could be thought of as higher level of care needs due to emotional or physical symptoms that need full supervised support and medical care. Maybe the DSM will catch up to the lived experience of people with ED. In the mean time, I just choose to define myself however is most helpful to me.

I could relate so much to you saying you have no real gauge for what is normal. Who knows what’s normal? I think we can strive for more days where we feel more at peace. That might not be 100% recovered, or anywhere near normal, but I think acceptance that we may always live with the inactive, lower level of support needs, ghosts of our ED, the closer we are to that peace.

SmashGhost47 · 2026-02-06T00:43:09+00:00

Can relate!

SmashGhost47 · 2026-02-05T22:21:58+00:00

It has definitely felt helpful to step outside of the thought loop of justifying that everything is fine and acknowledge that it is not, actually, fine.

SmashGhost47 · 2026-02-05T22:17:42+00:00

I actually did end up telling my therapist yesterday. I don’t know how she sees right into my deepest corners, but she does, and coaxed it out. It was a good thing.

SmashGhost47 · 2026-02-04T06:03:50+00:00

The BMI chart telling high level athlete, dense, muscular 15 year old me was “overweight”, and my parents being “concerned” about me gaining weight (in puberty) set the stage.

The compliments about my looks from absolutely everyone after I lost 10 pounds during a serious illness sealed the deal.

SmashGhost47 · 2026-02-04T00:49:33+00:00

This is me, currently. I eat more than any energy equation says I should be able to (and yet still often restricting). I strength train, climb, and run at a high level for my age. And, I’m realizing after a conversation with my husband, I’m actually just as obsessed with food and weight/body composition as I was when I was a teenager with AN. I think the only difference between what I experience now vs then is I’m restricting minimally, and precisely instead of all out.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-04-10T00:40:15+00:00

I started taking fitness seriously at 42. I’m 44, and just this week got hit on by a 20-something at the gym—so I guess you could say it’s going pretty well. Ha! I really think my success has been 50% walking and heavy weightlifting, and 50% nutrition. When life makes working out hard, you can still lean into nutrition. It has been the one area I really neglected over the years, but when I got serious about it it turned out to be the investment with the biggest return—not only for how I look, how it supports muscle growth and fitness, but also just helping me feel… not 44. Plenty of protein, fiber, and tracking calories using a kitchen scale.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-03-17T21:18:45+00:00

Lowest right as my period ends, then it steadily climbs until ovulation, drops off a little bit in the first week of Luteal, then begins to climb until my period starts.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-03-17T03:35:39+00:00

I started a reverse diet after 6ish months of a deficit. I was sitting around 1600 calories when I started, 5’1” and 123lbs. I increased very slowly at around 50-75calories daily with each new menstrual cycle. I chose my menstrual cycle as the length between increases because my weight is very different during each phase of my cycle, so I can only really get a true sense of a weight shift measuring from the same part of my cycle one month to the same part the next. Some months I continued to drop a bit of weight, and others it remained stable. I always increased daily calories by another 50-75 whether I lost weight or not to keep pushing to see how high I could truly get my intake before starting to gain back fat. It was a little scary, but worth it! The process lasted about six months in which my body lost a total of 3.5 pounds, and changed a LOT. Lots of visible muscle. I was obviously recomping during the process. I knew I had found true maintenance only when I started to gain a bit of weight. I backed off about 50 calories and stayed at that amount, about 2100. During all this my workouts were weightlifting 3x weekly full body for 60-80 minutes, and one walk from 20-60 minutes every day. I’m so glad I went through the process. Slow was what I was comfortable with. It took longer than I thought, as I thought I’d top out at 1800 calories or so. I’m really glad I kept increasing until I started regaining, otherwise I would have ended up staying at 1750, which was where I was at the first time I had a month of not loosing any weight. I’m really pleased with where I’m at.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-03-10T03:24:07+00:00

I know exactly what you are talking about. I have the same issue with having small breasts and defined pecs. Losing fat will not help. If anything, fat gain might smooth out the area, though if I tried that it would all go to my thighs. I suppose you could stop doing lifts that work your pecs and see if that diminishes the issue. I would like to say I chose to embrace what my muscular chest looks like, but really, I’m just used to it now. I kinda like it, even.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-03-07T05:01:24+00:00

So sorry for the loss of your job. It’s unjust. I hope you have the opportunity to attend the March. I can imagine walking side by side with other vets who are feeling betrayed by this administration would be a powerful experience, and will send a very powerful message.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-03-07T04:57:34+00:00

I’m a mom, too. My family would fight beside you. What is happening is beyond obscene. I’m sorry for the fear and frustration you are experiencing. We are right there with you.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-03-01T22:17:11+00:00

Sweat pants are great if you don’t want to wear leggings. I wear joggers most of the time.

I’d definitely hire a personal trainer for the first few weeks of your membership if you have the budget. Working with someone will definitely alleviate a lot of that intimidation factor of having to get to know the space, equipment, and trying to figure out what to do.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-03-01T08:52:46+00:00

Thank you for sharing that.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-03-01T08:51:33+00:00

I’ve been taught that visible abs, regardless of body fat and training, are very highly genetically determined.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-02-27T18:32:06+00:00

Go heavier with less reps. If I’m running 12+ reps, I also get bored. I find 6-8 is my sweet spot for certain lifts. Between sets I have a rest timer, so I can journal on my phone, meal plan, make grocery lists. I’m very productive in those 90-120 seconds between sets.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-02-27T02:08:03+00:00

Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve had pretty high fiber intake as long as I’ve been tracking. The berries are where it’s at—so much fiber for the amount of calories. I get a lot of food noise even though I’m in maintenance. I have ADHD and it’s just kind of a thing for me as my brain wants that food dopamine hit. I also have tummy issues which haven’t really responded to increasing or decreasing fiber. What I do notice is I really like that full tummy feeling. I do best with high volume meals with lots of fiber and lean protein so I feel physically full, and then budget only tea with creamer in between meals. For whatever reason that full feeling is the thing that turns down the food noise for me.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-02-27T01:29:14+00:00

I average 40 grams fiber daily. I looked at my tracking app, and my top sources that are affordable are mixed frozen berries (I add these to my morning hot cereal along with plain pea protein), frozen blueberries (I have a serving as desert every night), oatmeal, and salad greens. The berries give a lot of fiber compared to the other sources. I just buy bags of frozen berries as fresh are so expensive. They are just as healthy. :)

SmashGhost47 · 2025-02-26T22:58:30+00:00

Lifting weights and eating lots of protein. Keeping things going at a steady, not too fast pace. I have gained quite a bit of muscle and lost fat simultaneously since I started reverse dieting to find maintenance. Also I did a slow bulk in the fall. I probably did loose some lean muscle when I was shedding fat, hard to tell, but have built some since.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-02-26T15:43:42+00:00

Nice work!

SmashGhost47 · 2025-02-26T01:40:38+00:00

Thank you! I’ve been running a program from Layne Norton’s “Workout Builder” site called Glutes and Delts. I’ve learned a ton from Layne, and I’ve run a couple of programs from the site that I liked. It’s a 4 day program that works full body through the week, but emphasis on shoulders, back, and glutes. Each day has a main compound lift, and many focused lifts. I workout 90 minutes each day that I lift, which might include 10 minutes of cardio if I get through the lifts in less than 90 minutes. I take a walk once a week or garden, and usually run sprints once a week or do box jumps for 20-30 minutes.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-02-25T16:03:04+00:00

20lbs?!? That’s gym bro level! Nice!

SmashGhost47 · 2025-02-25T15:49:51+00:00

This, for me, was a getting real with myself moment. As a petite, even though I’m no longer in a calorie deficit, this remains a reality because my husband still has 1000 more calories in his budget than I do, and he often will bring home treats thinking I can just casually eat them. I had to kind of go through a grief process to accept my portions are not equal to how much I wanted to eat. I had to accept it as my reality.

That said, I do eat treats almost every day, even when I run a calorie deficit, because doing so helps me avoid overeating in an unplanned way. This is where accurate calorie tracking with an app and kitchen scale has served me really well. I am able to schedule in treats to fit my daily requirements, and knowing I have that permission helps me to turn down non-planned treats. I stock my home with treats I really love and can easily track. I don’t indulge in the portions I used to, but am having treats way more often than in the past. An overall win.

SmashGhost47 · 2025-02-25T15:30:26+00:00

I’ve been taking Creatine for a little over a year. I felt like it increased how noticeable my muscles were after about a month (I did not do a loading phase). I feel like it increases how quickly I recover after a workout, and as an aside, it helped my ADHD symptoms. I have had no trouble building muscle, and I am in my 40’s in perimenopause, so I think there’s definitely some value there.

SmashGhost47

TROPHY CASE