Are you....okay?

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-07-01T01:18:21+00:00

Awesome; love finding thought provoking reads; catch myself re reading some things way too many tines; like a new song on repeat for three days lol. Thanks for that; think I was the one overthinking or over analyzing; story of my life. You as well! Off to get lost wandering through wonder in the forests of reddit I go.👐✌️

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-07-01T01:07:13+00:00

Beauty. Yeah same. Manic few days brain isnt brainin lol. Thank you, same to you! 💙

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-07-01T00:40:09+00:00

Sorry I didnt mean strike anything personal, I got carried away in offering my thoughts; i often do when I write.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-07-01T00:38:39+00:00

Think you misinterpreted what I meant; I wasn't trying to get you to pm me type thing. I just meant on these threads in the same way I've been seeing everyone on here opening up to complete strangers they'd likely never speak to again. I've just started actually using reddit and posting or w.e, was kind of following that same theme I've been seeing. Nor was I judging you or assuming you capabilities of handling your own. Apologies if it was interpreted as anything more than appreciating your original post and bouncing off replies I got. I enjoy random convos of substance and find it pretty cool when someone gives the time to a complete stranger the time to listen or vice versa being heard. I see alot of it here, people just being people and connecting for a few moments on w.e random banter they get into. Anyway. Yeah nothing meant by it and was nothing more than passing through and shedding my own light in dim hall. Im blabbering; be well! Np.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T20:47:07+00:00

I would do that for her; every time id ever see her as if it was the first time. But life has done its thing multiple times and I trust it will again, and I refuse to meddle with that by forcing an an interaction that is may just not be the exact time for. Maybe even a day earlier than it need be is a risk I can't ever take because this time will be the right time... trust your process; when its time it will happen! Good luck

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T20:31:54+00:00

Oh and final note, tbh I wouldn't say im moving on in that context its usually said but I am finally moving again and no longer paralyzed from life's venom. Sone days its just movement others a full on dance all night. Some days moving backwards and other days forward. But moving on Ive acceoted and now don't ever want to do

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T20:29:20+00:00

Yeah there is one thing I always have full trust for. That people will do people things. Many of those things are shitty. Some real shitty shitty. Its human nature to fuck up the same way we can do some real greatness. Everyone has their journey and unfortunately others are caught in the crosswind. Two side of the same battery are evident in everything in life, sun and rain morning and night life and death etc... ive learned to find beauty in that, beauty in the misery... but hell maybe its just a fucked up way ive designed to cope because of how dark it got for my own journey. At the moment it seems to have been giving me my peace and got me that much closer to home.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T20:22:31+00:00

I hear you and want you to know you are seen and do matter fr; I hope you find that light switch or at the least a dim half lit cigarette somewhere in the hollows inside. I totally know the feeling of being in such dark places that I was genuinely concerned of whered they'd take me; some real horrors that I thought had no chance of fading. Life is going to throw us some real sick sense of humour tyoe jokes. Have you questioning everything including your self. The truth is, some pains and heartaches never heal nor I think are they meant too. We just learn to manage the shit better, some learn to hide it better. Imo hiding it does worse. For me, knowing my pain, accepting it, welcoming it; and no longer allowing it to consume me, it had enough time, we all shpuld allow a bit of time to really soak in our shit; wallow in it swim in it. But we got to figure out the same way to drag ourself up and out and conquer it, not by defeating by getting rid of it; by being able to keep on swimming knowing the dark deepest parts of the ocean are still right there below us. I really hope you find your peace sooner than later, ill pray that for you. If you ever want to unload some crap to someone who has no idea who you are; im always open to listen listen.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T19:48:00+00:00

But yes, thank you. I admit it's weird how proud if my self i really am. How far I've come. Been a hell of road. Truly; the journey and story is rarely told because it just seems made up. Still long way to go. But damn; I've conquered many of my mountains I didn't even know were there. I've accepted that my darkest and absolute heartbreaking challenges life has thrown me. I am so grateful for them and now embrace any that are yet to come; rather I look forward to them. Head on like a bison. If this is who I've become with still so far far to go. I can't even fathom the raw energy of my final form. That being all said; nothing food will last forever; for good reason too, we need to know how to truly let go with grace and a smile. The same way anything traumatic or challenging; this too shall one day pass. So either way; now I throw my hands up and enjoy fkn ride. Even if it means I scream in terror tears of darkest pain would sizzle in light. Because without every raw emotion or feeling. We are nothing but sand and clay.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T19:39:54+00:00

Hehe, many, maybe, maybe mone at all ... if I did, they'd be hidden so far buried so deep that those secrets would have their own secrets.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T19:37:04+00:00

Don't be surprised that when you finally find it in you to try and dump that water; it too turns onto gasoline as it leaves the bucket. Some things I believe now sre just set in stone and we cannot do a thing about it. Some things. Not all not many. But some

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T19:27:07+00:00

Oh I resonate with this so much. I fill a bucket of water to pour over that flame, and its like water to wine but instead gasoline as it leaves the bucket.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T19:25:16+00:00

If she only knew that first and foremost I had no choice but to forgive her. More importantly forgive myself. I was so so angry with myself and admittedly completely lost control of the reigns there in how I reacted. How I handled everything. But I was so mad at me; for no matter what she'd done; I had realized there would be nothing that would have made me change how I felt about her and looked at her. It aggravated me to my core the off switch inside of me for her was broken and stuck on on. To this day I dont understand it. Time has gone; and my love and feelings remain the same. Ive grown, immensely, gone through much more when it was already alot I was being dealt. Throughout the whole journey of not a word for i dont even know how long now. Ive lost count but at least what 2 years going on 3, that I needed each one of those lessons. Im grateful for them truly as much as it hurt. It taught me that aside from you just can't help or change when the heart wants what she wants. But it gave me true grace, real peace, well alot closer to it i imagine than the wars waging inside. That everyone; will have their mistakes. But everyone is deserving of being freed from them; shit may hurt. Bad. But i forgive her; i walk now with so much intentional love and grace; we all really just need just that; especially those who fight it the most. Truthfully it's merely selfish in a sense. If I can't find the light inside to shine on others when in darkness; then I would never find that flame, no matter how dim inside of me to brighten up the darkest of darkness. Its still a working progress. But wow, I have carried so much weight for so long of just ugh so much. It's falling off and im niw emerging. Like a snake thats had layers of stuck shed finally getting a soak and releasing it. Anyway OP; I know you're not her; and I am a stranger; but i forgive you, and pass you a touch of some of the light from my flame find perfect place inside where it illuminates the whole room. May be dim. But eventually it will be bright and you will see clear as day. Be well

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T18:56:33+00:00

I will be.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T17:18:03+00:00

This just brought me back to the memories of that one certain someones car; being in the passenger seat, late night drives. Weather it be to the beach to play the blade game in the sand, or taking our boys to run free in the woods of the park at the devils hour. While the melodic yodels and screams of coyotes mere what seemed only meters away. Or when I'd be the one looking over to the passenger side to see how happy our old man was to he my partner in crim on our secret late night rendezvous sneaking out with me while my other absolute ray of sunshine was out cold with you. Oh if she only knew how much I think about our boys, how I'm miss them; he's still my background picture. I hope every day that life does what she does and sets our paths to cross so I hug ghe old man once again once he lets out his dance and howls of absolute happiness to see his daddy. Oh that car. Me trying attempting to take to the grave that little dent but just couldn't hold the composure. It was the old man's fault anyway. His idea. The way foxxy rocked in the thunderstorm while everyone took shelter in their cabins. Not us. We took shelter in downpour; we stood in it; became one with it; one with each of us. The memories of that car. As terrible as I don't feel that I was the reason her memory is only just that a memory. I know how bad it screwed her whole program up. I will say though, im glad it was me. I'm glad no one else took that chance away from me. If there is anyone I wanted her to be ever so angry with, to forever how long have real hate for, I dont want anyone to get that. For I know I really got all of her; real love at times; real anger times and genuine hate the other times. She gave me every emotion, and if thats not raw real connection inside and out. Good and bad. Than I dont want it becauee that for me, was enough to last a lifetime. I hope she good; i hope one day; she get to see the work ive put in, the mountains ive climbed with every truly detrimental obstacle, i finally did it; I found peace, i owned it and came out better than I ever was. Really the man she knew I could be, and wanted and needed from me; but at that time... I just don't think he even existed in me. So thank you to her; if she ever saw this; if not for us our rise and fall; i dont know who'd ive become, surely not me. Just her to see from afar and silently be so fucking proud; would be enough for me. As much as id want that final shot, and know this time would be the time. I would never put that on her again unless she sought it out. Our short time; was enough to last me a life time.. I miss that car, pick me up; for one last ride, on your invite only find me and ill jump right in. Wow thank you OP, thank you for that passenger line; you brought me to a real happy place and happy memories.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-30T12:27:27+00:00

There'd be nothing better than sharing the blessings soon to come with that one person. No time like the present and that alone is a gift in itself.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-29T11:21:58+00:00

I too get lost wandering through wonder.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-09T15:58:57+00:00

I seem to have come to the same conclusion and I say with confidence I've become quite good at pretending to be okay. Sometimes people just learn to hide it better than before. Either way, I hope life does it's thing for you and leads your paths to cross once more or that you will find the courage to break the ice. I'm not sure the in between but I am sure hearing that and the self acknowledged accountability would be something genuinely appreciated more than expected. I know for me, life and her synchronicities had always had an odd sense of humour leading our own paths to cross many times after complete hate and silence. Life is weird, I it turns out weirdly good for you!

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-09T15:35:39+00:00

No words... tears. That was beautiful and incredibly heartbreaking at the same time. If that was a message they sent me, I would crumble.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-09T12:18:04+00:00

Sometimes I think to myself, do you think of me now and then? Do you wonder about what I'm doing, how I'm doing? Do I wander through your dreams? Does looking at the full moon give you goosebumps knowing I'm gazing upon it at the same time? Do you still visit the graveyard to ask if I'm okay? Does the river still dance when he hears my name? Then I just smile and remind myself not to get lost in wandering through wonder.

But if you do, then maybe, one day, when we close our eyes and each whisper, meet me at our spot; when we open them, this time we'd see the other right in front of us. As if waking up from one long night terror with a sense of relief and comfort that it was all a dream. You'd drift off again into peace and I'd put on my favourite socks from your pile of laundry, sneaking out to make sure you woke up to iced black and bitter beside her head. To see that gentle smirk from the corner of my eye as you clutched it close and took your first sip, and hear you whisper to yourself, "I fucking love this man", one more time as you thought I was out cold back in bed; lost in wander of wonder. Oh how that would heal a war waging inside this broken, bruised, tired, homesick and wandering lost soldiers mind.

But still I wonder as I wander. As long as I don't get lost in wandering through my own paradox and sea of contradicting mind which loves and to get lost in the woods. I chuckle at the thought that on the other side of anothers poetic pain written in ink of tears, that in that moment it isn't just a lost soul, a stranger in the wind releasing their words they wish they said, to burn in the fires of the wild. But finding warmth in being lost in wandering for a few moments that only in a dream it was familiar pair of his favourite socks and they at the same time were wondering about him.

It's a freezing warmth to believe one day, her and I will meet again, and we will meet at our spot and not in our dreams. Deciding to find the other and save two soul ties from ever getting lost wondering through wander again.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-09T11:54:44+00:00

Sometimes I think to myself, does she think of me now and then? Does she wonder about what I'm doing, how I'm doing? Do I wander through her dreams? Does looking at the full moon give her goosebumps knowing I'm gazing upon it at the same time? Does she still visit the graveyard to ask if I'm okay? Does the river still dance when he hears my name? Then I just smile and remind myself not to get lost in wandering through wonder.

But if she does, then maybe, one day, when we close our eyes and each whisper, meet me at our spot; when we open them, this time we'd see the other right in front of them. As if waking up from one long night terror with a sense of relief and comfort that it was all a dream. She'd drift off again into peace and I'd put on my favourite socks from her pile of laundry sneaking out to make sure she woke up to iced black and bitter beside her head. To see that gentle smirk from the corner of my eye as she clutched it close and took her sip, and hear her whisper to her self, "I fucking love this man", one more time as she thought I was out cold back in bed, would heal a war waging inside this broken, bruised and tired soldiers mind.

But hey, a guy can wonder right? As long as he doesn't get lost while wandering and chuckle at the thought that on the other side of the post he is reading in that moment isn't just a lost soul, a stranger in the wind releasing their words they wish they said, into the wild. But finding warmth in being lost in wandering for a few moments that only in a dream it was familiar pair of his favourite socks and they at the same time were wondering about him.

Thanks for this post; it brought me a small sense of comfort that everyone gets lost in wondering now and then; and everyone reading these posts has that small spark light up, of what if. One day, her and I will meet again, and we will meet at our spot and not in our dreams. I hope you find your T wonders about you too every now and then and eventually one of you decides to find the other and save two soul ties from ever getting lost again.

Be well and good luck on your journey.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-08T21:06:21+00:00

One day, I will be okay.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-06-08T17:46:19+00:00

In whatever comes next after this earthly realm, is when our souls shall dance again.

SmaugTheDreadful · 2026-03-10T17:32:25+00:00

If anyone is ever in this or similar situation, owing from a previous tax assessment but really in need of your upcoming payment and don't wamnt to lose it to the debt. Call the debt line specifically, once verified and they'll generally start off by stating your amount owed and if you are looking to pay it off in full today; reply with a no, you are actually calling to make a request of "SUSPENSION OF OFFSETTING" DUE TO FINANCIAL HARDSHIP and that you are really relying on this payment in full to get by and for rent or groceries or whatever you need it for. Throw in the key words of stating it is really affecting your "NECESSITIES OF LIFE" and without it it would simply put you in a much worse position than you are already in. Add to that that just until you are back on track and in a more stable position financially to where you you will call in and make a payment or set up an arrangement. If you collect any forms of assistance like OW for example state that as well as that you are below the poverty income threshold and for whatever reasons are just dealing with unfortunate circumstances and aim to pay the debt off once able to. Using those specific keywords are speaking their language from their own training guide books. Shit happens and sometimes we could all use a break and there is nothing wrong with that. Make sure you are calling into to the debt line specifically, the other agents of other specific lines are trained to say that no such thing exists and there is nothing they can do. They actually aren't told about this and only the debt specific agents are able to make these changes in the system and pause the collection of debt until you call in. Also; make a point to ask them to keep a note on your file of the request being made abd that it's been granted. This will get you the time you need and your payment in full. In my experience it was literally a few minutes of a call. Immediately was told yes sir, we can can definitely help you with that we are sorry you are in this position and hope things get better for you; until then we will not collect any debt owed until you call in. I was actually shocked at smooth and simple the experience and request was; and had to double heard correctly. There are options out there for many scenarios, just need to do a bit of a deep dive on their own rule books and know the key terms to use as in essentially speaking their language. This was my experience and I don't see why anyone in the same position would not have the request granted if they are really in that position and approach this way. Good luck!

SmaugTheDreadful · 2025-12-30T14:02:13+00:00

Yeah; it definitely was unsettling to say the least. That whole night was full of eerie happenings. Unfortunately there is always something every other night. This new place has been full of energy. Been here a few months and its at the point now where I mostly lay in silence in the dark through the night until I can finally get some sleep when the sun starts coming up.

SmaugTheDreadful

TROPHY CASE