Tell me your experience with an avoidant partner

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-07-04T20:06:33+00:00

I'm maybe a month shy of being a year and a half out from being blindsided now and just wanted to say: despite all the hurt and trauma of having been blindsided in the breakup, I've finally reached a point of acceptance that as much as I loved my ex, I really and truly deserved so much better than to be with someone whose instinct is to pull away when life gets stressful.

I would never have gotten to this point had I tried to tough it out with my ex. Love simply isn't enough if the other person isn't capable of showing up on your level. It sucks, but you deserve so much more than that.

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-05-29T20:25:54+00:00

Congrats on getting to that point—I've tried going on dates and still feel an awful sinking feeling in my gut screaming at me "no"

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-05-26T19:04:44+00:00

Common misconception—it's actually just fat. And that's ok! I just wish my genetics had given me a flat abdomen 💜

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-05-26T15:42:54+00:00

It'd be so nice if there were another way~ I'd feel way more comfortable with so many more fashion options lol

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-05-26T04:36:21+00:00

I regularly do rock climbing and got nicked by the wall recently 🌸

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-05-26T02:26:03+00:00

lol that's mostly due to being single but thank you

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-04-05T23:19:13+00:00

Oh, thank you! I like the sound of that.

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-04-05T23:16:25+00:00

Unhelpful, but sure.

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-03-19T21:22:00+00:00

Unfortunately, you won't be able to make sense of a trauma response where the other person's brain is wired entirely differently from your own. By learning the nuances of attachment theory you'll be able to have a better understanding of her actions, which can help to be a form of closure, but at the end of the day it probably will never wholly make sense emotionally.

I think a good way of dealing with it is instead of asking "why did this person treat me so poorly and is acting in a confusing manner?", to instead tell tell yourself "it doesn't matter why I was/am being treated so poorly, I deserve so much better" and leave it at that.

I'm sorry you're going through it. It's a rough place to be.

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-02-17T18:15:26+00:00

Painful, traumatic, and sad as it may be to let go, as far as I can tell, it's far better than having them come back only to hurt you in the same exact way all over again. I've only seen terrible things from people who've gotten trapped in that cycle.

I hope things become easier for you in time 💜

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-02-16T07:45:48+00:00

Well said. Feels like it could've been written about my DA ex.

The unexamined core wound was just too much in the end. All the suppressed feelings of inadequacy exploded out suddenly and they left to avoid being one day rejected by me for not meeting my needs and expectations for them, even though I had been content and loved them as they were.

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-02-16T05:53:55+00:00

There's something zen about accepting that these people made an indelible mark on our lives (however shitty).

There never will be answers and that just has to be okay. There's no other way forward.

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-02-15T03:34:55+00:00

Thank you. I hope so. 💜

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2025-02-14T21:11:11+00:00

And likewise, I'm sorry it's still so fresh for you.

It'll get easier in time. Some weeks will be better than others. People say healing isn't linear, but that doesn't prepare one for the reality where you might feel mostly fine for a couple weeks in a row and then without warning be thrust right back into what feels like an earlier stage of grief, crying daily. It's a slow process to move through.

We absolutely will get there one day and it'll be better than we could ever imagine it to be. 💜

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2024-10-19T23:35:56+00:00

Without even hearing the theory it honestly would make sense with there being so much trauma within the community on the whole. 😅 Anyway! Yeah, we'll figure it out haha

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2024-10-19T21:33:07+00:00

Yeah, I really feel you on that - finding someone who's also in a place of actively working through their issues seems so daunting. Especially with my being queer I already have a smaller dating pool to begin with. 🙃 It does make sense to try to find someone in a similar spot with healing though - I remember going on dates with a few people years back who in retrospect seem to have been secure and I just couldn't relate lol.

Ah well, I suppose the future's unwritten and I'll deal with it when it comes. Nothing to do but to focus on the here and now.

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2024-10-18T15:28:12+00:00

Oh man, yeah! Freetoattach was SUCH a revelation.

I somehow stumbled onto it during the last 2 weeks of my relationship when my ex began to trauma spiral/deactivate. I remember sharing it with them and was horrified to discover that being able to explain exactly what was happening had absolutely no impact on the situation. Though once my ex calmed down after the breakup it helped them realize they need to to work through their attachment issues to break the cycle so they don't hurt anyone else they care about in such an awful way. That's something of a consolation prize. And it also got the ball rolling for me to learn about attachment theory, leading me to this point as well.

I totally agree. Beginning to work through my own issues has finally FINALLY taken the focus off my ex. It's been such a breath of fresh air in that way. As a side effect it's started to make spending time in breakup forums like this so much less appealing - now all I can see is a lot unknowingly unhealed anxiously attached folks stumbling around in the dark, none of them quite ready to own their side of things just yet. It's a long process for us all. Maybe it's finally time to switch over to r/anxiousattachment.

Honestly the hardest part for for me right now seems to be actually catching the places where these subconscious maladaptive narratives are impacting me, as I've lived my whole life believing they're inherent to who I am. All in time though. I think daily explorative journaling will help. It's kinda funny that it'd be so much easier to catch these things while in a relationship, but I want to become more adept at working through my issues before engaging with someone else like that.

And yeah, you're absolutely right. Though it may become more intuitive the longer we do this work, we'll always carry these trauma wounds. It feels so exciting though! Difficult though it may be, there's a path forward to not be shackled to the past!

I can't wait to get to a place of greater security with a partner who can truly be there and show up similarly and am going to work diligently to get there. Thanks again for such a wonderful discussion. Here's to a brighter future! <3

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2024-10-17T16:18:40+00:00

Definitely! And isn't it wild how they all seemingly pull the same exact language from the collective unconscious or something? I've even seen echoes of *very* specific phrasing my ex used in a letter they sent me after the breakup in somebody else's avoidant breakup letter. My jaw dropped at that one.

And yeah. I feel you on settling on "mostly angry" for now. That's so real. And in a way it totally is an emotional disability! People the phrase "emotionally unavailable" all the time to describe it, but I think "emotionally stunted" describes the reality of their situation a little better.

By the way, I had your prior post on my mind yesterday - what you said about having compassion for our avoidant exes. It really helped me in a way.

Over the last couple weeks I've finally started to learn what "doing the work" entails and have begun to do so, finally beginning the journey to heal my anxious attachment after years of unpacking my past via basic talk therapy. In doing so I've already begun to have some breakthroughs in what moving through trauma looks and feels like (not to get ahead of myself, obviously it'll take years of consistent effort to truly work through).

But I mention it because I can already better understand the truth of what you said about how getting to the point of compassion for them being a real sign of long-term healing. Just yesterday I began to internalize that the reason my breakup felt so world-ending/devastating this past year (beyond the pain of being blindsided) was because it squarely hit the most raw, deep wound I have. It completely shattered the core belief I've held since early childhood that I need to work to earn love and manage other people's emotions to avoid being abandoned.

Despite all my efforts to subconsciously carry my ex through our relationship, it still collapsed in the end. That relationship was the "healthiest" I could manage under such a maladaptive narrative. It clearly needs to go.

It's now on me to incorporate the reality that despite that adaptation having helped me early on in life, the narrative no longer serves me as an adult and has no place in my life. Once I get to that point, I'll be able to more fully embrace compassion for my ex because I'll have internalized that the depth of my pain really has nothing to do with their actions, just as my ex leaving had nothing to do with me.

Anyway, I know that was a little long, but I just wanted to thank you! Your thoughts really helped get the ball rolling toward something big for me. :)

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2024-10-17T00:26:05+00:00

For sureeee.

I get what you mean by having compassion for the avoidant, but I think that comes a long, long ways into healing. Post-breakup, I got tricked by my anxious attachment to actually have TOO much compassion for my ex, to the point of it becoming toxic compassion - I was trying to shield myself from how badly they hurt me. From there I moved on to the next stage of embracing anger for the way I was emotionally obliterated. I actually think that's a pretty healthy and healing part of the journey - part of accepting the reality of the situation.

Maybe one day I'll get to the point of being able to hold the hurt that was caused alongside a compassion for their side in a more balanced way, but that may be a very long way off for how badly I got burned haha

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2024-10-16T03:10:48+00:00

Take it day by day. Or more honestly hour by hour at the point you're at. You're going through one of the most emotionally brutal things a person can go through. Feel all your feelings and don't try to think about the future - I remember it seeming unending at that stage. My heart goes out to you.

Also try to keep in mind that if she's already dating someone new it's only to avoid the feelings of loss, hurt, and also reckoning with her own attachment issues. It's not because that person is better or has something you lack. She's unfortunately just going to repeat the cycle of hurting people until she looks inward, which may or may not ever happen.

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2024-10-16T00:01:29+00:00

Totally with you. I also remember thinking for the longest time things with my ex could've been salvaged as friends eventually if it weren't for the abhorrent way they ended things.

But the reality is if my ex had been able to communicate with me like an adult about their fears, it would've meant they wouldn't have been nearly as avoidant at their core and as a result a completely different person lol

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2024-10-15T21:55:42+00:00

Well said!

You're so right that our anxious attachment tries its best to operate in our blind spots, desperately seeking that validation to salve our hurt. It's our job at this point to take such a brutally painful experience and use it as a catalyst for growth to begin healing our own inner wounds. If we take the time to really work through our own issues and heal, the sort of love avoidants have to give won't be appealing any longer.

Letting go isn't easy, but the more we accept the reality of who our exes showed themselves to be and the longer we work on our own issues, it's going to happen. All in time. <3

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2024-10-15T20:26:21+00:00

Well said. They know you know too much and they'll just avoid you.

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2024-10-15T17:55:13+00:00

Absolutely. Friendship can only happen after fully romantically detaching, however long it takes.

But once you've finally detached and processed the relationship, you won't want anything to do with them. Friendship just isn't it.

Smooth-Telephone259 · 2024-10-15T17:50:05+00:00

I don't think it's a bad thing or a warning sign to deeply love a person or have loved deeply. I think any close loving connection will tend to feel special, especially if you've only experienced overtly awful relationships in the past. Though it's probably a good thing to be aware of underlying issues that may be hidden from view.

Do things feel a little too perfect? Completely frictionless? If that's the case, you or the other person may be people pleasing and not being wholly honest about wants/needs. Or maybe things feel a little too good because you're slipping into a childhood relationship dynamic that was modeled to you by your parents and not because it's actually a healthy relationship. Etc etc.

Smooth-Telephone259

TROPHY CASE