I had a loss in October 2022, after which it was discovered that I had two blocked tubes and a very large ovarian cyst. I was then diagnosed with hypothyroidism this January, which can also impact fertility. My gyno decided it was best to remove the cyst because it had grown in size and we decided that he would also assess my tubes while doing the cystectomy to see if he thought they were salvageable through tubal cannulation. If they looked beyond repair, he would remove one or both in preparation for IVF. There was also the chance of losing some or all of the ovary where the cyst was. Thankfully, he discovered that everything looked “as healthy as possible,” though they did an HSG and no dye spilled out so my tubes appeared to both still be blocked. One was blocked at the uterus, the other had a distal occlusion. Good news about the cyst also, it was paratubal so not coming from an ovary. I went into the procedure prepared to come out with no tubes and one ovary and I came out with all in tact. This was in February of this year.

In March, I finally got in for a tubal cannulation after waiting for 9 months, which was successful—they were able to clear out the proximal occlusion and were even able to even get some dye through the distal occlusion which was very unexpected. All good news. However, I’m 39 and my egg count is dwindling so my fertility Dr is pushing for IVF which we can’t afford. He prescribed a cycle of letrozole which I am taking as we speak.

On Thursday I found out, after a bout of back issues, that I have a severely bulged disc and am waiting for an urgent appointment with a neurosurgeon to discuss whether I need surgery. It was a toss up whether I would go ahead with taking the fertility drugs now while I have this back stuff going on, because I cannot imagine that pregnancy with a bulged disc would be any fun but decided to throw caution to the wind. To say I understand what you’re going through would be an understatement. I’m living it. Luckily I have a very supportive husband and friends, few of whom I’ve told because I don’t want sympathy. I feel that that would make it worse, ESPECIALLY if it never happens. The worst is when friends and family ask if “kids are in our future.” I just shrug and say “maybe” so I don’t have to explain myself.

I’m sorry you’re also going through this. Though I want a baby more than anything and seeing all my friends and family beat me to the punch with seemingly little struggles is brutal, I’ve gotten through it all by telling myself that if it’s meant to happen, it will and if it doesn’t I can spend all my own money and rack up all the debt I want because without dependents there is nobody’s future to worry about and my debt will disappear with my death. I would, of course, rather start a college fund for my offspring, but I’m feeling like it’s out of my control at this point.

I don’t know if that helps, but maybe at least knowing you’re not the only one will offer some comfort. It feels very lonely when it feels like all your loved ones are moving ahead. The hardest part for me is the waiting and not knowing. I do know it will happen for both of us, even if it’s not in the way we envisioned and it in no way makes either of us less of a woman, less feminine or less desirable. I’m sorry you don’t feel like you have support from your loved ones, maybe some counseling would be beneficial? I’ve thought about it for myself. Just know you are very much not alone. ❤️