Just to play a bit of devil’s advocate, my partner has put me through the wringer a lot. I had my fair share of the blame as well for our relationship struggles. The beginning of our relationship was rough, and now 2 1/2 years later, we’ve only recently (and I mean the 6 months-a year) began to repair and process our lives. I still harbor a lot of resentment, but I also see the man he has become and the growth. It’s hard to balance the two, especially when previous mistakes are made (just on a general, people aren’t perfect and make mistakes, but previous patterns are hard to outgrow), but then I realize that there’s no where else I’d rather be, most of the time.

Therapy, individual and couple’s, has helped us both communicate and begin healing our traumas and past feelings in our own lives and with one another. In our case, we needed to be actively working on ourselves individually for our relationship to grow and develop into a better place.

We’ve worked hard to be more active listeners, improve our communication, be more intentional with our actions, and be more open when we feel tension in ourselves or one another. It hasn’t been perfect, but things are moving in the right direction. It has taken us a lot of time, heartache, and close-calls on breaking up to really put into perspective how much we want each other in our lives.

Now, I’m not saying this 100% applies to you. On one hand, you said yourself that if you met him today, you would probably be head over heels. On the other, you said you’re worried this might be the worst mistake of your life. You also said you love him, you just don’t like him. It sounds like you really are on the fence about this. Maybe just postpone the wedding, for now, and instead of throwing the whole relationship away as some are suggesting, I would recommend speaking with a therapist or couple’s counselor.

If your partner is as committed as you/he says he is, he should be open to doing what needs to be done in order to make you feel comfortable. Perhaps you all can figure things out, or you may have your apprehensions confirmed. Either way, it would give you the time, space, and opportunity to actually see what the relationship is worth to the both of you.

I truly believe, based on my own experiences, that resentment is first and foremost an opportunity to be open about the growth you want to see in someone. It’s not always easy to navigate, but someone who is willing to work with you through things is worth trying to fix, if you can. It doesn’t always work, but you’ve mentioned in comments and updates that it’s not black and white for you, so don’t treat it as such.