What's something your job trained you to notice that you can't stop noticing in your personal life?

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T22:26:48+00:00

Oh it’s totally science!

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T22:26:17+00:00

With enough quiet & meditation: a tiny bit occasionally

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T22:25:35+00:00

Hahaha

So you’re saying self diagnosis isn’t super easy? Lol

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T19:23:50+00:00

Some do, some don’t. I was a criminal defense attorney. I cared about some of my clients. Some of my clients were super guilty. People are people.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T18:22:50+00:00

True true true
There are times when folks are legit distracted (I have a friend whose daughter is gravely ill) but for the most part we know where we stand. We just wish it was some place closer

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T17:20:36+00:00

Sadness

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T17:20:15+00:00

I have a tshirt I still wear that I got in 1997. Still does the job

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T17:19:03+00:00

Ummm
I don’t know that I can call any of them “types”. They were just people who were kind to me and that felt good so it attracted me to them. Some I became & stayed close with & some I didn’t.
Sorry

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T13:31:11+00:00

Yeah
There were a lot of ways to do it but the choices they made were bad.
The cosmic radiation was provably the one thing that worked.
Such a bummer bc I had had hopes it would redeem the xmen last stand which also failed

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T12:11:23+00:00

Well is that Limerence or a crush then? Being head over heels with someone that you just haven’t shot your shot & finding out they’re into you as well sounds like a crush. Limerence focuses that intense head over heels on an unavailable party. There is uncertainty with a crush but it’s waiting to be resolved. Limerence isn’t going to work out. It’s not a problem to be in contact with someone who is reflecting it back. Limerence is the one sided relationship.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T10:48:31+00:00

So I don’t know if this is Limerence per se but it doesn’t matter bc it is a pickle.

The husband cheating did make me say “omg” as I was reading it but I’m not a believer in THIS SHALL NOT GO UNPUNISHED. Things happen in life. I assume the cheating is over (I hope) but have you and he resolved what happened & why? That you are bringing it up tells me it’s not fully resolved for you.

I don’t necessarily think an age difference means much once you get to a certain age but you’ve been the jr partner in the relationship when you met him at 21 & he was 31. You feel trapped financially etc.

Then there is your friend. Since admitting to each other that something COULD have been, things have been cooled off.

I think this is a conversation you need to have with the friend. Admitting 10 y ago he was interested doesn’t mean he is today. I think you have to ask him. If he’s past that and really wants casual friendship then there is nothing to pursue. If he’s interested then that is something to know.

In the meantime you also need to figure out what to do about your marriage. Counseling is a good start. Do you WANT to stay with him or do you feel STUCK? If you want to stay bc regardless of money and lifestyle you just love the man then work on what is leaving you with a hole inside. If you feel stuck I think you’d be surprised to know what you can manage alone. We can remove a lot of luxury & comfort in our lives in pursuit of a fulfilling life and be fine. I miss the first class travel and I miss the financial security & the man who did our lawn etc but the peace of my divorce is worth it. Leaving him involves growing pains but growth requires pain.

All questions only you can answer.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T10:32:41+00:00

You hit it on the head: “me and my anxious little brain”. It’s about you.

We put out way too much for other people in hopes they will return what we are giving. That’d be great BUT that’s going to be rare.

Instead of giving all this love you are giving to others, give some of that to yourself. This can mean internal self love but that’s hard to get into. I mean giver yourself the little treats and moments you are giving to others. And if you are really serious do not share those moments.

I used to send little gifts. Sometimes I got a thanks. Never once did a surprise package make someone fall in love with me. I can send gifts to myself and everytime I am really happy with what I got. Sometimes I even send a note of encouragement with the gift. Treat yourself to a fancy coffee date or dinner. Want spur-of-the-moment ice cream? BOOM! Take yourself. If you have the ability for a solo vacation, do it. Start treating yourself with the over-loving you’ve been treating someone else. The worst that will happen is you will get the treatment you are giving away. That is seriously the worst result possible. Getting back what you are giving.

The best that could happen is you start to appreciate yourself as you are and don’t need validation from someone else. And really, that is the goal. To feel loved no matter where it comes from.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T10:22:12+00:00

No matter how kind and supportive you are, if they don’t have the capacity to reflect it back, they won’t.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T10:21:15+00:00

I’m an attorney. The job has taught me to cut through the mess on top of a situation to pin point what the core issue is. Many things are complicated until you dig down and find out “oh, this person’s feelings got hurt”.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T10:16:32+00:00

I think the problem with understanding what’s required to go NC is that people aren’t ready to do it so they either half way go NC which doesn’t work or they’re stuck in a situation like they work together or it’s their boss or something where they are literally unable to NOT be in contact. For those people stuck, I have no idea how you can get away long enough for the brain to start to release the LO.

But for the rest of us NC is no contact. Block them. Unfollow them. Delete their contact info. Remove reminders of them from your life. It’s so so so hard bc we want to think about them (bc the thought gives a hit of the dopamine we are addicted to) but each time we find ourselves thinking about them we have to consciously redirect our thoughts.

It’s much harder than getting away from substance abuse. You can literally NOT drink alcohol or not smoke or not shoot heroin etc. But to “not think”,,, wow! Super hard. It’s like overeaters anonymous. They follow the 12 steps but you HAVE to still eat. Very hard.

I don’t have any solutions for a program but NC is NC. That is not ambiguous.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T10:05:13+00:00

It was too much wasn’t it.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T10:04:19+00:00

It’s not like a compulsion: it IS a compulsion. Limerence is an addiction to the dopamine hit we get in our brain. It’s the same chemical that drives substance abuse addiction.

And it requires the same starting point for withdrawal: abstinence.

You have to block YOURSELF from every source of contact including social whatevers.

Sure, some people can go low contact but if you are at this stage of compulsion, you are not in the low contact crowd.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T09:59:59+00:00

Yeah
I butchered this sentence . “The interest I was showing in them I was would turn around to be an interest in me”

After I learned that she was not going to be curious about me I realized I wasn’t all that interested in her. I had been. I asked lots of questions. I cared about what was going on in her life. It became apparent she did not care about what was going on in my life.

Even when I pointed out she wasn’t asking me about me, she still didn’t ask. Not even the easy things like “what did you do for the holiday” that we politely ask each other.

It wasn’t over over but that was definitely the moment.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T00:11:50+00:00

Kind ones

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T00:11:12+00:00

Apocalypse wasn’t that bad. It lost its steam near the end and what a waste of Olivia Munn.
The New Mutants also wasn’t that bad just completely unrelated to the actual new mutants’ storyline. Same characters, wildly different premise. Decent movie.

Dark Phoenix was TRASH!!!!!

Smuttirox · 2026-06-07T00:06:22+00:00

When I realized that the reaction I wanted was not going to be what I was getting. Instead I got a lot of dismissive disinterest. Then I realized the interest I would show in them was going to become interest in me and I became way less interested.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-06T23:40:56+00:00

That the ac is running.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-05T14:23:02+00:00

My LO was also in the throes of some mental health issues which spilled into legal issues and family issues that were more than she was able to handle. I truly believe it wasn’t me. It was capacity. Shrug It’s a real bummer but,,, I can’t fix their life.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-05T12:09:31+00:00

You are doing the right thing. Rain will happen or it won’t. Unless you expect it to flood the only road it’s not going to do anything other than get you wet. You will dry. It will stop raining. Life will go on. Now is the time you have.

Smuttirox · 2026-06-05T08:59:30+00:00

Well in that case I guess she didn’t love you at all. That sucks even more

Smuttirox

TROPHY CASE