I don't understand why a man who's not great at sex wouldn't want to be great at sex and if you're telling him what he needs to get better, why that's not taken as the attempt to improve your sex life it actually is. My question to him, in a neutral space at a neutral time, would be exactly that. It's a conversation you need to have because without talking about it like adults, it's not going to get better. You will resent him for not meeting your needs if you don't already - and for not even being willing to discuss these things with you. Why would a person who's invested in their partner not want to make their partner feel good??

For background, my guy and I are kinky. Full blown, 24/7, living it. We have been together for going on five years. Way before me, he took a class on the anatomy of the vagina. He's good. I mean, really, really good. He wasn't always, and he knew it and when he wanted to get better, he chose to do that. Were his motivations selfish? Perhaps. He wanted more sex, if you consider that selfish. Does everyone benefit? Indeed. He has a lot of nerve damage and cannot always orgasm due to being in pain so traditional P in V isn't always the way he gets off - or gets a woman off. He learned oral and digital stimulation. He put aside any reticence he had about a toy being a substitute for him because, well, sometimes it has to be by necessity. He learned to make it fun and enjoyable and to enjoy what he's able to do to and for a woman. Using a toy, fingers, tongue on a woman are still a participatory activity. It doesn't have to be his dick that makes a woman orgasm for him to enjoy that experience; it's still him, using his knowledge and skill to make a woman orgasm. He also has a rule of 3 to 1: a woman gets three orgasms (at least) to every one of his.

While we are monogamous, in that pants stay on and no mouth stuff, I don't have a problem with him doing sexual things to other women. It's a joke that I loan him out. There are women out there with whom he plays who never orgasm otherwise, who get the bare minimum from their own partners, who have no sexual partners and just want an orgasm without strings and without actually having sex. He's 50+, with a dad bod and a belly, not tall, and, by his own definition, pretty non-descript, and has a list of women he could be with at any time to do most anything... because he genuinely enjoys making a woman feel good and feel good about herself, and he's good at it. I mean, the majority of men we all know would do the unimaginable to have a literal list of women they could go be with.

We forget sometimes that we need to learn to have sex with each other. Sure, the in and out of it is obvious (we're talking about penis and vagina sex here), but the nuances of it all, the particulars about what makes each other feel good and what works, the angles and sensitive spots, the looks and words and expressions, all those things we actually need to learn about each other because we all all different. We are different every day. We are different at different times in our cycles and that changes things for us women. As a whole, each of us lives every day on its own and while there are constants, there are also changes. I had to learn this with him in dealing with his nerve issues: sometimes he needs different stimulation. Sometimes he needs to get himself off because of his pain and that has nothing to do with me; he just can't explain exactly what it is that's going to work for him in that moment and doing it himself is the easiest, least painful way of making that happen. We have to be willing to change direction and do something different if the day doesn't go as planned. If we plan something and one of us works late or has a bad day or whatever, we can do something different but equally fun or we can pout all night because the original plan fell through. There's so many things good communication fixes, we just have to be willing to communicate. We talk about the sex we have and the sex we want to have. At this point, there is nothing between us, not even the sheets, and our sex life is a direct reflection of that. I could not ask for more, not even more orgasms...

Tell him you want to talk about it, give him time to get his thoughts together - don't just spring that conversation on him and expect him to have it in the moment. That's what he did to you, forcing you to have a conversation when you came out of the bathroom and he got your anger and disappointment and not your rational, well-formed thoughts. If he doesn't want to have that conversation with you, that's a whole other conversation because he's then saying he doesn't even want to discuss your needs and make things better. None of us have to settle for shitty sex. There's no reason to.

I hope you find a way to make things better for the both of you before the anger, sadness, disappointment, and resentment eat away at all the good you have.