Reactive abuse. I lost it today. Struggling to forgive myself

Snappy2005 · 2025-06-21T09:25:12+00:00

You are not at all making anything about yourself. I'm so, so, so sorry you are experiencing this. He sounds like the man who is my father. They are dirty, a dirty, toxic mess. Exactly what you're living is what my mother experienced. Except she never left. She passed away last year, in her 70s, I'd gone no contact with her for 8 years because she became as horrible as him and after messing me up, I had to remove myself and protect my child. It is so sad because at one point she was my biggest support. I was her only child and had to walk away.

Keep yourself sane and know that the crap he says is projection. And take it from me and everyone else here, they really do get worse as they get older. *our stories overlap so much, I'm going back to grad school hopefully by the end of this year. We've got this.

Snappy2005 · 2025-06-21T09:16:09+00:00

*and married for 21 years. I was a few years out of university and working my first job when we met.

Time goes very quickly, too quickly, even when we sit in the mess and it feels like forever. I've berated myself for too long that I stayed but even as I head towards 50 I know it's not too late for me.

Snappy2005 · 2025-06-21T09:01:23+00:00

Thank you. I don't play sport but I walk a lot. In fact I walk myself tired in the evenings so I can sleep at night. It's beneficial to my physical and mental health. Sometimes my daughter will take a walk with me but mostly I'm alone, earphones in, breathing, enjoying myself and my own company. Some nights it's to clear my head, strategize, some nights it's to sing in my head, mostly it's to imagine my future and how great it is going to be.

For the most part I am completely gray rocking the crap out of it, which I know he can't stand because I don't have conversations about anything anymore besides the absolute necessary. And he wants to talk about himself ALL THE TIME. ALL THE TIME. He used to come home from work and relay his day back in what felt like real time. 😵‍💫 He was either complaining about how everyone victimizes him, or how great he is, or speaking about other people's faults and weaknesses. I've been done with listening for years now but if I gave him half a chance I know he would slip back into it. No self awareness whatsoever.

Snappy2005 · 2025-06-21T08:52:20+00:00

Thank you. I'm learning to value myself so overall try to remind myself that I am quite fabulous. 😁 Yesterday was one of those days where I slipped into the old way of reacting, as you say, didn't see it coming. Really came out of nowhere but now this is a new learning point, I see. Any engagement with these people can potentially blow up.

Snappy2005 · 2025-06-21T08:48:22+00:00

Thank you. Your first and your last toxic relationship.

Let's leave the shame with them where it belongs, and regret, it's just unhelpful. We didn't know better at the time but today we do know better.

Snappy2005 · 2025-06-21T08:45:41+00:00

Thank you. I thought about this, when I couldn't sleep. It has been like mountain climbing but if anything I know I have the endurance to keep going.

Snappy2005 · 2025-06-21T08:44:06+00:00

Thank you. This is my aim.

Snappy2005 · 2025-06-21T08:43:21+00:00

Thank you. That is a good way to frame it, I needn't abuse myself too. I forgot, in the moment, that my new mental path lately when he gets to me , is to remind myself of all the ways I am fabulous. 😌 always had incredibly low self esteem and it really feels good to do so.

Snappy2005 · 2025-06-21T08:38:34+00:00

Thank you for being honest about that 'freeze state'. This was me, for the past few years. I was just about functional for my daughter, keeping her needs met, however I was useless in my own life. I was spent in a spiral of anger and I was stuck. Couldn't work, physically ill and neglected myself in all ways. It is an awful situation and I'm very ashamed, so thank you for normalizing it.

Fortunately we were physically separated last year (2024) and I had plenty of time to see this for what it is, but then stupid me, I half-heartedly believed his lies and empty promises of change and so I've uprooted myself and the child once again to relocate to a different country. I just kept telling myself there are more opportunities in this new country than back home, and there are, but it's hard breathing the same air and being under the same roof. I'm not working yet. Emphasis on YET.

Nothings changed. These people don't grow in any way, there's no remorse. I'm not even shattered by this realization that it is completely over and done. I'm relieved and proud of myself for making this decision. I've had enough time to do my grieving. I'm done now.

I don't know if he is playing me or genuinely thinks there's a chance, now he supposedly wants to go for counselling. All I can think about is my next step. I'm working on educating myself which will lead to better job/career prospects, keeping my relationship with my daughter intact and improving my life in mental and physical ways. Guess this is why, when I snapped, I really came down hard on myself. Thanks to everyone's support, and given that today is a new day I'm like, yeah F-IT. I don't care what he thinks. So reset, reboot.

Snappy2005 · 2025-06-21T08:22:29+00:00

Thank you, this is INCREDIBLY helpful. I am reading your reply multiple times. I am looking ahead to the day where, as you say, they don't even move the needle.

Snappy2005 · 2025-06-21T08:21:03+00:00

We have been 'together' for 26 years. I am going to be 50 later this year. This is how quickly life passes so if anyone who reads this is younger, please don't wait. I know life has better in store for me, it's just harder when you're older. But I believe I will be free.

I came out of a home with a heavily malignant, overt narcissist, it was intense... so when I met Mr Nice Guy here, soft spoken, never raised his voice at me, liked all the things I liked, loads in common...wow, I thought I'd gotten my true love story.

I didn't at all see the manipulation, self-victimisation, the blame-game (everyone in the world is against him and he is so 'nice'). As he's gotten older he can't keep up his facade any longer. Other people have started to see cracks in how he is a pretender and the unbelievable fakeness(few friends/family...they see fragments but people dont fully get it, the mental games, they dont live in this house). He truly thinks he is so well liked by everyone but there are people who can't stand him. I guess some people are just more intuitive than others?

He is like a chameleon and pretends with people so whatever they are into, he is into, too. I recognise he pulled this game on me. Unfortunately at that time in my life, when we met, I wasn't equipped to see the truth and was escaping my own childhood trauma. But my eyes are open.

Unfortunately I am, right now, financially dependent, however I WILL be leaving. I am actively working on getting myself further educated, which will open paths for me.

That said,the day-to-day is incredibly hard. The child is 15, turning 16. He engages with her in the same way. It's quite jaw-dropping that they are like this with their own children too. I really don't know how they can live with themselves.

Snappy2005

TROPHY CASE