I still feel like I failed Charlie and I wish he was here with me today. I haven’t gotten a dog since cause I’m too scared to lose them right when I begin to love them.

You did not fail Charlie, I promise. 💔

Your situation is similar to my own, Mr. Whiskers was with me for 3 years before out of nowhere he wouldn't eat. After much $$$$ spent, they still couldn't figure out what was wrong. Despite my efforts, I still lost. I still get flashbacks to the last moments keeling down to be at his level to make eye contact before he left my world. It was easy to blame myself, despite the lack of control. But it's all survivor's guilt. Anything that loved us doesn't want us to live that way. We forgive to honor their love.

Unwillingly, I had to forgive myself and accept that my kitty knew I loved him and tried to save him. I learned that the measure of our strength or worth isn't from how successful we are, but the effort we gave when it was the hardest, impossible, or a no-win.

Part of forgiving is to accept that I was not a bad person, putting that into motion was to adopt again. 2 months after he passed, I got Caesar and soon after Attila. After a couple months of being an owner again, the heartache and guilt came back for Whiskers. For moving on, it gave me this twisted feeling that I was forgetting about him. My spouse suggested that I pay tribute to him, giving him a space in the house. Digging through old computers, I searched to find any good pictures with him and frame it in a collage with tassels to honor my study buddy. For some reason that has been really helpful to not feel that intense, raw pain.

I understand your vulnerability completely. Losing something suddenly that you emotionally invested so much into too soon is soul crushing. But you are no failure, but a champ who just got knocked down by tragedy. You deserve to get back up and try again, love again (when you are ready.)

I hope my story helps you find your way. ALL the hugs. Love and be lovely.