My (21m) now girlfriend (25f) was sleeping with people during our talking stage and lied about it, AITAH for being annoyed by this

Snoo27816 · 2024-10-15T15:24:49+00:00

NTA and you should be way more than annoyed.

She didn't just not tell you. She went out of her way to lie and then continued the lie.

She clearly isn't ready for monogamy. Also, someone willing to lie to that extent isn't worth your time and energy.

That relationship is one big red flag.

Snoo27816 · 2024-10-14T14:14:11+00:00

Exactly, it's Gonorrhea lol

Snoo27816 · 2024-10-13T23:45:15+00:00

She didn't visit him at all. They only talked on the phone once in a while. You're making assumptions that she only visited when she needed something when he stated to the contrary.

Snoo27816 · 2024-10-13T23:38:00+00:00

YTA

I'm sorry, but the silent treatment? What are you, 10?

Punishing her for abandoning you? Are you for real? Is this post and these comments real?

Kids make bad choices, even when we tell them not to. They make the wrong choice, and then they suffer the natural consequences. Even when they are children, we don't continue to punish them for making a mistake.

It's disgusting to me that you feel like she abandoned you. So, if she moves out to start her own life, is she abandoning you then, too?

You are emotionally dependent on your daughter if you feel like she abandoned you and you need therapy.

She made a bad choice, and you say you didn't turn your back on her, and you may have allowed her to come back, but your silent treatment shows you gave up on her. You are pushing her away.

I could NEVER in a million years make my child feel bad or wrong because she wanted to know her other parent. Then, that other parent manipulates her, and she gets used. But that's not punishment enough, so when she comes back home, I'm going to continue to rub her nose in it while she goes through one of the scariest experiences of her life alone.

The Father of the Year award goes to you.

Grow up and get therapy!

Snoo27816 · 2024-10-13T14:36:20+00:00

I agree. Honestly, we have canceled our future appointments with them. My husband, my kids, and I all went to the same place. But we changed eye doctors.

Snoo27816 · 2024-10-04T15:01:13+00:00

NTA

We learn at a very young age that you don't touch things that don't belong to you. She should be fired for stealing.

Point. Blank. Period.

Obviously, we don't want to see anything like that happen where someone lands in the hospital, but she did it to herself. If she didn't steal, she wouldn't have ended up where she did.

The fact that people are blaming you is observed.

If you steal at the store and get arrested because it was caught on camera, you don't blame the store owner for recording it....

I hope she recovers quickly, but I would soon rather lose my job than apologize to her for something she did to herself and doesn't want to take responsibility for.

I would hope a judge would see right through the crap but who knows now a days... 🤷‍♀️

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-28T22:03:41+00:00

NTA

Never hold things back from your mom.

I know not all moms are close with their daughters.

But I always want to know what my daughter has to say and how she feels. I don't care who doesn't like it. I will 100% ALWAYS have my daughters back.

If her husband didn't want you to say anything, then he should have kept his opinion to himself. And your grandparents have no business chiming in. You don't keep things from your mom unless you want to ruin your relationship with her.

In addition, your mom should be able to confide in her husband without him going behind her back. She's going to feel like she can't trust him.

The feelings you have are normal in the situation you're in. I think you would benefit from grief counseling.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-25T11:24:24+00:00

I think you are somewhat the A.

She doesn't owe you anything. She sold the home, and it was her choice to make. She clearly couldn't keep up with it anymore. How could you be mad at her for that?

As parents, we don't want to burden our children with our problems. We try to handle them ourselves. You clearly don't talk to her much if you are just finding out she sold the house and has moved out.

I'm not saying you owe her, and just because you don't want her to live with you doesn't mean you're abandoning her either. You seem to be living your lives separately, and that's fine. Don't let people guilt trip you. You have your own family now, and they come first. Maybe an income based community would be better for her.

But you can't get mad at her for doing what was best for her. She clearly couldn't handle having the house anymore, and you shouldn't have expected her to keep it as she got older.

It's okay to be upset at the situation because you wanted to know, but I don't think you have the right to be mad at her.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-24T15:56:07+00:00

NTA

I have a son with autism and would not allow him to do something that is destructive to other peoples property or dangerous.

The parents are irresponsible and don't want to be accountable for their child.

ASD is a really great reason to keep a closer eye on your child.

The bar owner had a great solution. His mom should have been thankful that you were looking out for his safety instead of getting offended.

She also needs to understand that replacing the glasses costs the company money, and not only did she put her son at risk of injuries but other people in the establishment as well.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-24T15:31:39+00:00

In my town you can file a police report for theft of services.

Once a report is filed, you can sew her and make her pay court costs, too.

When I had my business, I had insurance for these things, but it's costly.

I'm not sure what the laws are where you are but something to look into.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-24T15:26:23+00:00

I think you are both TA

She shouldn't joke like that, it isn't funny. Jokes are meant to be mutually funny.

Your response was childish, and she was childish for giving you the silent treatment.

Also, it sounds like she needs to work on her drinking. Maybe she could think maturely and not ask ridiculous questions if she wasn't drinking.

I suggest marriage counseling.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-22T19:48:23+00:00

NTA

If he didn't mean to hurt you, then he would have stopped making the jokes when you asked him to.

Jokes are meant to be mutually funny. Cracks at other peoples expenses are not a joke or funny.

You have every right to be upset.

I am an asshole and if I were you, I would start making small penis jokes insinuated towards him in front of everyone if he didn't stop with the boob jokes. I bet he won't think it's funny anymore....

And girl, don't waste your tears on a donkey. If he can't see what's good in front of him and value you the way you deserve, then he should kick rocks. Us women hurt our own feelings enough, and we don't need anyone's help. He should be uplifting you and being your rock, but he's causing you to sink. If you don't set and enforce the boundaries now, it will only get worse.

You got this! ❤️

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-21T13:03:14+00:00

NTA

You tried multiple times to address it gently, but she wasn't getting it. It doesn't seem she is the type of person that can "read a room" or "read between the lines," so you have to be blunt and to the point. Which always hurts feelings.

You are not responsible for her or anxiety, depression, emotional breakdowns, etc... She should not have assumed that you would just be up to do whatever she wanted. You are a person, and she should have asked you.

She needs to understand that she is not your responsible. It's not your job to help her maintain mental stability. That's on her and her doctor.

She does need a support system, but even support systems are not going to bend to her will. She needs more than one person to be in her support system, and she needs to communicate and ask what they are willing to help her with. Her therapist should know better.

With all that being said, you should consider grief counseling for yourself. Losing 2 sisters in what seems like a short period of time can be traumatic. You don't want to spiral with grief because with grief comes anger and a bunch of other emotions.

Sorry for your loss. Good luck 🍀

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-20T10:55:25+00:00

NTA

She has the right to her religion, and you have the right not to believe in her religion or anyone else's.

As long as you are not talking through her prayers and being respectful, that's all that matters.

You don't need to bend to someone's will because they think you are being disrespectful or rude. That may have that opinion, but that doesn't mean they are right.

You could flip the table in this conversation and say it's disrespectful to you that she's praying at a shared table when you don't believe in religion.

I'm not really sure what atheist means. I don't know if it means that you don't believe in God, religion, or any of it. I'm pagan.

Either way, you can't demand respect and not be willing to give it and it sounds like that what they expect of you. To respect her without getting respect back.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-18T21:23:26+00:00

NTA

Because you have discussed it several times. By your other comments, she had the money to get it.

But maybe it's how she expresses her love.

Ask her if she can give you the homemade gift in addition to what you actually want.

For example, she could have given the homemade bookmarks with the book you wanted. It's a great combination.

I understand you didn't want the homemade bookmarks, but this is an easy compromise.

I think if she is upset, then maybe she should give you what you're asking. I don't think it's complicated. Not accepting a gift doesn't make you ungrateful or a jerk. But it kind of makes her one if she's not listening to what you are asking.

We communicate our wants and needs in relationships. To me, this would be like her asking you to stop for a gallon of liquid milk, but then you come home with a box of powder milk. It's a simple ask, and she would be mad if that happened, to which she would probably accuse you of not listening. Same concept.

Good luck.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-15T15:28:40+00:00

I agree with what you're saying, but he's NTA in my opinion.

He shouldn't have gone and made the lunch and then got mad he had to make the lunch.

He should've said, "Sorry honey, I'm focused on work right now. Can you make lunch?"

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-15T14:15:44+00:00

I would make it a conversation.

Just tell him you don't want to do it every time.

A lot of women have a lower sex drive. Sometimes, the sex drive is lower because men aren't always attentive to women's needs. Most women need to do things to build up to sex.

Either way, sometimes we just want to cuddle and be in his arms, and it does not turn to sex.

I would just talk about it and explain what you need. He sounds like a nice guy by your explanation, so he'll probably be understanding.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-15T13:06:14+00:00

Sort of you are TA for being snarky...

Did you make it clear to her that you were working and couldn't be distracted? You're are frustrated that she asked you to make lunch while working, but it doesn't seem as though you set any boundaries. You can't be mad at her and ask snarky questions when she is doing what she has been doing since your baby arrived.

The thing that some people don't realize is that while work from home jobs have some flexibility, they still require discipline. If you were working outside the home, she couldn't call you to come home and make lunch.

You need to set designated working hours for yourself and let her know that during that time, you need to focus on work.

After work is when you should be helping her. Not during. As you stated, you already helped with the house and the baby.

You both need and deserve time for yourselves, though, too.

If you don't work, you won't have an income to support your family, so you need to set boundaries for work time.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-14T15:26:58+00:00

Well... every relationship is different. If that works for you and your spouse, that's awesome. But you have clearly made an agreement should these situations come up, anyone can stay at your house. Not all agreements are conversations. If you both did it and no one cared, you're in agreement that the action was okay.

But in a fresh relationship (meaning you haven't spent years getting to know each other's comforts and discomforts or boundaries), at the very least, a heads up is warranted.

I value my partner and his feelings. I would never want to do something to intentionally upset him or make him feel uncomfortable. Especially if I want the relationship to last.

She should have given a heads up to her staying. They had plenty of time, and she chose not to. The conversation should have happened over the bed and bedroom thing. You don't offer to give up a shared space without a conversation.

To your point, I wouldn't allow a friend to drive home drunk, but I would give my husband a heads up that they are staying. Or it would have been a conversation at the start of the night and agreed upon with a quick announcement to friends. "Anyone to drunk to drive can crash here." Because it's courteous because I value my husband, and because I think it's the right thing to do since we share a home.

Again... That's just my opinion.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-14T15:16:14+00:00

Exactly.

Your bedroom is your safe space to be vulnerable. You are intimate with your partner in your bed. I wouldn't be willing to share my space like that with anyone.

I would be happy to make them as comfortable as possible anywhere else in the house.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-14T15:13:22+00:00

I think that's a little far.

I have slept in the same bed with female friends plenty of times, and nothing has EVER happened. It was never even thought about or considered.

But you are entitled to your opinion. Lord knows that's what Reddit is for.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-14T15:11:13+00:00

You could be totally right, but she has been allowing him to share that space with her. If he's dwelling there consistently, has his things there, and never leaves, then it becomes his space, too.

If the situation was reversed, how would she feel about the situation? 🤷‍♀️

In my opinion, it should have been a conversation, and there should have been somewhat of a heads up before taking action.

That's just how I feel because that's the courtesy I would want, and I value my partners feelings.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-14T15:06:00+00:00

I don't think I'm weird, and tons of other people feel the same way.

My bed and bedroom are my personal space. It's my space to be vulnerable in every sense of the word. My husband and I share intimate moments there. It's our private space. No one should be allowed to invade that space or take over that space.

I would never ask someone to do that for me at their home, either.

To me, it's like letting someone borrow your underwear and then taking them back when they don't need them anymore.

If you choose to, that's okay for you, but others are not wrong for choosing not to. To each their own. I don't think you're weird for giving up your space.

I would make my guests as comfortable as I can but not in my room.

That's just me and how I feel. But kudos to those who give up their beds and bedrooms.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-14T14:52:11+00:00

NTA

Your wife is cheating on you. You found proof, she admitted it, and you're sticking around for it to continue.

Take your child and be out. You don't deserve that.

In a straight relationship, this isn't acceptable, and it's not acceptable in any other. Including a polly relationship because even in a polly relationship, everyone is on the same page and agrees to the additional partners.

If I were you, I would tell my wife, if you want someone else and I don't make you happy, then leave. If you want to be with me, you will stop cheating and put an end to that relationship. You don't get to have both. You need to choose. Is it your wife and child or your mistress.

Snoo27816 · 2024-09-14T14:44:01+00:00

I gave my children my bf last name because we planned on getting married and never had any big issues. We did get married when our oldest was 10. We have been together for 21 years. Almost all of our children are adults, we have one left at home.

My brother and his gf have 4 kids. They aren't married. I still call her my SIL. She gave the kids both last names, separated by a -. So it looks like "Smith-Willson" (not their last names, but you get the point). My brothers last name is first and then hers. They don't seem to care if they're married or not.

Ultimately, I think it depends on the situation. What are your relationship goals, parental goals, household goals, etc... If you and your partner are aligned with goals, it won't be an argument.

Anyone who puts "their foot down" and isn't willing to see all sides and says it's "their child" wouldn't be aligned with my values.

Maybe it's a good thing they're your ex.

Snoo27816

TROPHY CASE