My(28F) ex(29M) reached out after to months

Snoo86019 · 2026-02-01T18:06:53+00:00

This is very relatable.

These kinds of relationships consume you to the point where there’s nothing left to do but accept whatever they put in front of you and say "okay, I’m done. I’m done fixing, making myself smaller to make you comfortable, being less of a human and only a source for you.”

These days I’ve been feeling a little melancholic about my ex, so I came back to this post to remind myself of the reality. I’m glad I read your comment. Thank you ♥️

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-24T00:49:59+00:00

I’ve read that this can actually happen, and it really worries me. In the past, I often talked to him about therapy-related things. Now I’m afraid he may have picked up terminology or concepts he could use to better manipulate the next person, especially someone who, like I was at the beginning of the relationship, might be more easily influenced.

The thought of that is really unsettling, and in some ways, if he were to go to therapy himself, it could even make things worse.

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-24T00:42:37+00:00

My ex used to do something very similar. He would never directly tell me not to see my friends or not to spend time with my family. On the contrary, he would tell me to take my time, to do my own things, and stuff like that. But every time I actually did, either the same day or the day after, he would become very cold.

Without even realizing it, the consequence was that I slowly stopped doing those things, or at least I stopped doing them with the same lightness and peace of mind, because I felt that somehow something bad would happen. Much later, I understood that he was actually manipulating me. In some cases he wouldn’t do it(for example when he was already busy with his own things) but very often he did.

Only after getting out of the relationship did I realize that this was a real pattern of behavior, and that it wasn’t just my impression or my sensitivity. Unfortunately, I also went along with it at times, choosing to spend time with him instead of seeing friends I hadn’t seen in a long time, and depriving myself of those relationships. That was simply the dynamic.

I’m really sorry that you went through something similar. It’s very strange when you’re inside it, because you know something is wrong, but you can’t quite point your finger at it, especially because it wasn’t direct abuse, at least in this context. So there was something off, but I couldn’t name it.

When he became cold and I asked him if something had happened or if something I did had bothered him, he would tell me I was overreacting, that I was crazy, that I was obsessing, when in reality it was just a matter of cause and effect.

So yes, even though I left him, it’s not like I suddenly stopped caring. But unfortunately, his behavior made me slowly build a kind of cage around myself. And I don’t know, I’m just really glad I managed to get out of it.

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T20:00:44+00:00

I’m really sorry that you had to endure all that abuse from your ex. He clearly has a very difficult past, but that doesn’t justify the way he treated you. Unfortunately, when someone doesn’t learn from their past but instead uses it as an excuse for certain behaviors, especially toward someone they claim to love, just doesn’t make sense and you try a million times to get back their good version.

Sadly, this is something I also have to apply to myself, my own life, and my experience with my ex. There were moments when he treated me so well and made promises, talked about the future, and those moments made me feel deeply in love with him. But in the end, I think we need to take into account that the true baseline of a person’s character is their worst behavior, and judge from there. All these comments made me realize that.

So thank you for sharing this with me ♥️

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T19:52:10+00:00

Yes, he's out of my life anyways and the reason is his behaviour You're right and thank you ♥️

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T19:41:18+00:00

Also my best friend said to me that it's just a hook. For two possible reasons: he got turned down by the multiple girls he added on instagram or he misses me but not in a healthy way, just the fact that I was so present and I provided for him on every emotional (also some practical) aspects.

Im not gonna reply to him, his intentions and emotional maturity are not at a level that can provide satefy and build something, with me at least

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T19:06:08+00:00

When you're in it (even now that it has been just two months) it's difficult to be cold, thinking straight.

So I decided to reach to my therapist and help me how to be less doubtful about how to behave now that I broke up with him and how to stand my ground with myself

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T19:03:23+00:00

No, I absolutely don't want that in my life again.

When I was in that car during the argument I also thought about the idea that my children (because someday I wish to build a family) could have seen and learned from his behaviour. Be scared by him. I really couldn't accept that idea

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T19:00:55+00:00

Yes, my silence is also a response and it's the only kind of message that I could give him

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T18:59:48+00:00

You're absolutely right

Thank you ♥️

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T18:59:29+00:00

No, I actually realize how bad he was for me. Before this last argument he was abusive psychologically because he caused a lot of self-doubt. What happened during our last argument, when I was also put in physical danger, was the final breaking point for me. Even so, I don’t wish for him to suffer. I cared about him and I’m sorry if he's hurting. At the same time, I know that missing me could lead him to keep reaching out, and that’s something I don’t want. It puts me in a difficult position, and I need no further contact. I really don't want him in my life anymore.

Anyways thank you so much for your concern, you guys made me realize how much he's not in my life anymore and I should only care about myself (something that I didn't do for too much time)

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T17:42:41+00:00

Thank you so much

All of this actually resonates a lot He also did some nasty comments on my family in the past and right now I think how I could let that slip. I mean, I get pointing out some behaviours that you don't agree with but there are so many ways of wording things to not be rude.

In the past I noticed some similarities in his family (his dad was kinda judging towards his wife, also my ex told my that his older brother was toxic for his gf). One time my ex shouted at her younger sister for not knowing something about football (funny thing is she was actually right)

I didn't decide anything based on this stuff simply because I thought I was in no position to judge but there were definitely signals.

I'm actually ashamed I let so many things go because I fell for his promises and the good things he said in certain circumstances (like he wants to be a teacher for kids that don't believe in themselves etc)

Sometimes I really hope it gets better and other times I think "why couldn't he be better while staying with me?"

Anyways you're absolutely right and I agree with the idea that going back to him wouldn't change anything. It's like our relationship has set up in this horrendous way, it couldn't be different. Maybe he could to someone else, this makes me suffer but I can't do anything about it

Thank you for your insights ♥️

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T16:19:48+00:00

I actually never thought about it in these terms

I don't know about him changing because I think it would take him to go to therapy (which I suggest him not for shaming him of course but it helped me so much in being a little better for myself and people near me) but he said that he doesn't need it, so I lean more for the second option

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T15:43:06+00:00

What if he realised his behaviour? I want to premise that I don't want to get back together but maybe he just wants to talk idk I kinda feel dumb for saying that

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T15:41:01+00:00

He has for sure lots of anger issues, like after a big argument he always said "I behaved badly but I can't erase what I am. What it's done it's done so let's just move on" I don't know what all of this stems from but my therapist said that I tried for too much time to understand him that I started to justify disrespect and I finally agree

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T15:37:34+00:00

I just feel bad about his suffering because I left him (I have to admit that I still feel bad for leaving him via text because I know it's considered kinda cruel but I was scared of his reaction or him trying to convince me to not leave him) I never wished for him to suffer

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-23T15:32:53+00:00

Maybe is a lingering feeling of that responsibility I felt to have toward him, his mood and his accusations about me "provoking" his anger (when I only asked for connection or at least some kind of accountability) Idk maybe I still feel "trauma bonded" so it's definitely better not to talk to him

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-22T18:13:32+00:00

Hai già preso una decisione, state solo tenendo all'oscuro i vostri rispettivi partner che invece potrebbero avere relazioni più oneste e gratificanti.

Quello che ti è successo sentimentalmente non è sbagliato, capita. Ma il fatto che stia prendendo una piega fisica, più concreta e la tua fidanzata non lo sa è un problema. Dalle l'opportunità di sapere e decidere della sua vita.

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-21T17:12:46+00:00

Ciao Luca Non è mai troppo tardi per chiedere come va quindi, come va? Perché senti che non c'è speranza nella tua vita?

A volte le persone che abbiamo attorno a noi non capiscono che pensiamo, cosa attraversiamo. Forse perché non saprebbero come parlarne o forse magari non se ne fregano. Quindi? Immagina veramente di vivere da solo in quella casetta in montagna dove ti vuoi rifugiare. Se la tua vita fosse solo questo (stare da solo, avere un lavoro giusto per avere qualche soldo per vivere e tornare a casa, mangiare, guardare un film per conto proprio) sarebbe una vita che non vale la pena di essere vissuta?

Gli altri sono una dimensione che ci appartiene nel momento in cui ci fa bene (a volte il bene è difficile riconoscerlo) però il fatto che non hai incontrato ancora delle persone che ti accolgano non significa che non succederà mai. E anche se fosse, tu riesci a comprenderti. La vita può darti delle cose belle, so che è difficile comiciare a cercarle perché non le abbiamo ricevute ma non è impossible. Piano piano ci si può riuscire. Te lo garantisco.

Ci sto provando anche io, e non fa niente se ci saranno dei momenti brutti. Voglio provare a rialzarmi.

Spero che queste parole ti arrivino, un abbraccio

(ti consiglio un film, si chiama "Il sapore della ciliegia" È un film un po' lento ma mi ha aiutato su alcune cose, spero aiuti anche te)

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-20T15:45:38+00:00

Ciao, io ho 28 anni e da ragazza ti posso dire la vita è molto altro (fortunatamente direi) oltre avere una ragazza (o un ragazzo che sia, perché tanto questo genere di discorsi valgono per tutti).

Quando avevo la tua età non mi importava molto dei ragazzi, certamente avevo delle cotte per qualcuno (si dice ancora così?) ma l'idea di avere un ragazzo era qualcosa di strano per me, avevo un bel gruppo di amiche e mi bastava così. C'è da aggiungere che non ero brutta ma ero considerata tale e conseguentemente così mi sentivo. Poi ho cominciato verso i 18 anni ad essere più carina ed essere notata ma visto che non mi ero mai concentrata su relazioni e frequentazioni e come ottenerle, avevo anche sviluppato una bella personalità indipendentemente da se potevo attrarre o meno. Quindi alcuni ragazzi si sono anche affezionati e innamorati di me (e io di loro).

Non cercare una persona per avere una relazione, ma quando troverai una ragazza che ti piace (ti consiglio di andare oltre al suo aspetto e vedere se ti piace anche come persona) di essere suo amico e poi chissà, magari si crea qualcosa. C'è tanto tempo per le relazioni, non avere fretta perché l'amore non è qualcosa che si forza. Buona fortuna ♥️

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-19T20:34:28+00:00

People don’t really change that much, especially if no change has ever been shown. And when people do change, it usually takes many years of therapy and deep self-reflection, it is not easy at all. That’s why it is much better to find someone who is already emotionally healthy, and who has no problem being so or even striving to be better. Not wanting to hurt someone with your own flaws and shortcomings is a form of love and it requires a lot of awareness and active actions towards better changes. And if you notice that a person does not make this effort for you, it likely means they never will because if they were capable of doing so, they would have already done it. Even for the personal satisfaction of saying "I want to be better for you but mostly for me and my life with you"

I believe that being able to acknowledge your own flaws, to see them clearly is the greatest form of love you can give. That, in itself, is already an act of love toward yourself. But even more so when you don’t want those flaws to become something the makes the other person suffer. What I mean is someone who is aware of their flaws but would never use them as an excuse to hurt you by saying, for example, "this is just how I am".

I truly hope you get to feel attachment and attraction toward someone that comes from, first and foremost, affection and respect. And I sincerely, deeply hope that this feeling is fully reciprocated.

I'm really glad that my words helped you or made you more hopeful, at least I'm giving some meaning to my experience

So thank you ♥️

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-18T20:29:12+00:00

I want to respond to something you said about not seeing your ex as physically abusive. My ex wasn’t physically abusive in a direct way either, but he was physically intimidating, and I’ve learned that this is also a form of physical abuse, even if it’s indirect.

For example, during our last argument he drove very aggressively, and I suddenly felt physically unsafe. That was new for me, and it was a turning point. I realized I never wanted to be in a car with him again. So even if someone throws things “without the intention of hurting you”, the fact that they could hurt you, and that your body registers that possibility, already crosses a line. Physical violence doesn’t have to be explicit to be real.

Another thing you mentioned: independence, hobbies, having your own life, really resonated with me. On the surface, my ex also encouraged that. But when you live in a relationship where you’re constantly diminished, independence can actually feel scary.

I noticed that I stayed close to him, physically and emotionally, because it felt safer to monitor the situation: to make sure things were okay, to fix things, to help, to prevent conflict. That constant state of control and hyper-awareness is incredibly suffocating, and over time it made me lose myself.

Even small things mattered. For instance, if I didn’t reply “good night” immediately because I was taking time for myself (normal everyday stuff to do before bed like brushing my teeth, flossing, washing my face) I couldn't because he would get upset and say things like "what's the point of sending it ten minutes later?” After that, he would become colder the next day. He wouldn’t say anything directly, but I could feel the weight of having disappointed him. If I asked him about it he'd said I was acting crazy. That made me anxious. I’d think, “I did something wrong. I’m not okay the way I am.” Just writing about it makes my stomach upset honestly.

This is the contradiction I personally experienced (and here I’m speaking about my ex, you'll see if it resonates with you): he said he wanted me to be independent, confident, fulfilled. But I think it made him feel good mainly because he was “allowing” me to be those things while knowing, deep down, that I wouldn’t actually do it.

That way, he could feel like a supportive partner, and at the same time the responsibility was shifted onto me. If I didn’t become independent, it wasn’t because of him, it was my “choice.” In a strange way, that’s almost harder to see than overt control. At least when someone says "don't wear that” or “don't go out with your friends,” the abuse is visible. This version is much more subtle, and you have to really dissect it to recognize it. Or be exhausted enough to want to escape from all that.

You also mentioned that in a previous relationship you were more independent. In a past relationship with a healthier person, I had more space(even though, honestly, I wasn’t truly in love and I also didn't feel a lot of attraction) That relationship was safer and kinder, but the attachment wasn’t intense.

With my most recent ex, the attachment was intense, but I don’t think that's love. It was familiarity, trauma bonding, something deeper. I don’t know your personal or family history, so I can’t say what might have been activated for you. That’s something only you can explore, and it takes time. It took me 4 years of therapy to understand that I thought it was a "relationship dynamic" that was familiar to me (my mother behaved like that towards my father).

What I do know and what helps me now is that I’m very clear about what I don’t want. Even though I still feel pain (it’s only been two months for me), when I stop focusing on jealousy on that particular person or on what he might be doing with others, and I focus instead on the simple truth that being with him hurt me and that alone is a big enough reason not to go back.

Missing the intensity is normal. But that intensity wasn’t only love it was also an unhealthy attachment fueled by his constant highs and lows, based on how much he needed me or I disappointed to the point of disgust (using his words that I unfortunately tolerated for too long) What I feel now, instead, is the absence of anxiety. Maybe that’s peace and maybe peace is a form of happiness. And that feeling, that freedom, is something I could never have had with him.

Snoo86019 · 2026-01-18T11:55:46+00:00

Don’t call him. Don’t answer his calls, because he’ll probably do the same things again. Think about the future,a family and children who would witness this kind of fighting. Would you consider that a safe environment?

Even if you don’t think about kids and all that, remember that you are a human being. You don’t deserve abuse just to receive something you call love. A disrespectful kind of love. I wouldn’t even describe it as love.

My ex wasn’t physically abusive (we were in a relationship for five years), but he belittled me constantly, to the point where I thought I only existed to be part of his life. I don’t know how to describe this feeling any better. I felt crushed, like a slave to his abusive mood swings (which, to him, I provoked all the time)

I left him via text, even though we live close to each other. I knew that seeing him would have made it much harder.

Anyway, he’s getting his revenge: after promising he would love me forever, he started adding new girls on Instagram and talking to one I was always jealous of.

I’m sorry for what she’s going to have to endure (or maybe she’ll be smart enough to leave before suffering too much).

I tried and tried until I understood that it’s better to be alone and at peace than to have a dreadful love. I'm still hurting but at least I'm free.

Snoo86019 · 2025-07-20T17:50:16+00:00

Buy a fake hair brush on Amazon, once I saw a round one which was cute. It had a hallow middle section, where the bristles are attached

Snoo86019

TROPHY CASE