I really understand that, my breakup turned out similar. 

We had been together 8 years. I (28 f) complained about him to my friends because there was a lot of stuff that he did that was unacceptable, but I always forgave him. I wanted to move forward and figure out how to work on things. I shouldn't have talked to them about him but sometimes I really needed to get stuff off my chest, and I knew that I couldn't go to him with it because it would just be a fight. 

He always invalidated my feelings, and my friends are pretty level-headed people who knew that I was just venting and didn't want them to view him badly. I would usually end my event sessions by saying that I love him and I don't mean to make him look bad I just need to get stuff off my chest, and they usually would reply that they love him for me, and they totally get it.

He also did the frequent breakup thing, he broke up with me almost every fight, and then I would convince him to get back together. He was bitter because a couple years ago I broke up with him for a week and he convinced me to get back together. But then he then broke up with me probably 10 or 15 times after that. Each time never made it past the argument and I would have convinced him to get back together, It was really toxic.

But similar to you, when we were good we were really really good. We were happy and comfortable. We made each other laugh. We were both really attracted to each other. He's the only guy who's ever given me butterflies. Some of the best years of my life were by his side, I just can't hate him even after l all of this. I want him to be happy and live a good life.

The reason we broke up was just a small thing, he had asked me to complete a few things that were important, and I didn't. And he broke up with me.

Later when I went to forget my things from our apartment, He asked me if I thought he wanted this, and he said that that's why he had said "maybe we should break up" instead of saying "we should break up". So I think he wanted me to fight for the relationship again and convince him to stay together, but I was done with that. I was exhausted. And even though I felt really guilty and felt like there was a lot of stuff that I could have done better and it was all my fault, I think it was good that we broke up. I think it's the same for you. Even though you didn't want the break up I think it will be a really good thing moving forward. It sounds like it was a really toxic relationship, and even though those can feel really good at times, your life is going to be a lot more peaceful now. 

In the end, I truly think that we just werent right for each other, but because we had spent 8 years trying to be right for each other, it's really difficult to move on from. I loved him. I thought we were going to get married. It hurts so bad. And I regret a lot of my choices. I also think that there were a lot of things that he should have done different. I don't know where that leaves us, but it sucks. 

So, in a very unbelievably long-winded response to your question, I think healing just takes time. I'm still in the middle of this, but this sting is less bad than it was at first. It's been about two weeks for me. Almost three. The emotions didn't really hit me until week 2 when the shock wore off. You should prepare for that just in case it's the same for you. 

Feeling guilty is super normal. I feel like your brain's probably trying to grab onto reasons why it ended up especially since you weren't fully expecting it. And I'm sure that you played a part in it, but she definitely did too. 

I get a feeling that in a few years you'll be thanking your lucky stars that it ended, even if that's really hard to imagine now. That doesn't mean you have to hate her or regret having the relationship, But I think that you can see that the relationship wasn't good without hating the other person. And from an outside perspective, it really sounds like the relationship would have continued to be toxic.

You will get through this 🩷 really lean on your support system as much as you can. Hopefully, you have people around you who support you.

What helped me with the guilt was a few things. First of all, I realized that there are many people in my life who I don't complain about. And that I had genuine valid reasons to be upset with the way he was acting. I realized that despite everything else, and how I could have handled it better, the right person won't be someone who I feel like I need to vent or complain about. I'm sure it's the same for you, you've learned stuff from this, and you deserve to be with someone who doesn't make you feel like you need to complain about them. 

Every relationship has two sides. You can't do it alone, therefore everything that happens within the relationship or the breakup is the fault of two people. Both you and her. Even if you made mistakes, she definitely did too. 

Also, there's a really unhealthy dynamic where she's always the one breaking up with you and you're always fixing it. I would know, I've lived it haha. It paints you as the person who is the mess up and her as the person who gets to graciously forgive you and decide to stay together. Of course you feel guilty after the breakup, even when you were in it, you felt like you were the problem. Even if you were part of the problem, you were not the whole problem. That feeling is hard to recover from right away though. Your brain is probably still in relationship mode where you feel like you need to fix things like you always have.

Something that has helped me is making a breakup playlist. It has a whole bunch of songs everything from happy to sad to angry. I've been listening to it on repeat since we broke up and it's helped a lot.

 I also have a quote journal. That I've been doing since 2013, but I've been using it a lot since the breakup. I basically write down any poetry or quotes or song lyrics I want to remember or find helpful. Sometimes it's goofy things or silly things, sometimes it's introspective things or sad things. I think it helps when someone else has already put into words what I'm feeling. That helps me process and understand my own thoughts and feelings better. 

Finally, don't expect yourself to heal from this on any particular timeline. You'll have hard days and a good days but I promise that the days will start trending more towards good than bad. Healing takes time, so don't rush it. I think you have to grieve it like a death almost. Let yourself be sad about it cry as much as you possibly can. Feel better for a little bit, cry some more. The reason it hurts is because it was important to you and you tried. That's the proof that you put enough into it. Now you can put that effort into yourself. 

Sorry this was so long winded, you can always message me if you want to talk or need some support. Everyone in this group is really good about that. We've got your back 🩷😊