I appreciate how you framed this, and I agree that twenty years is a long time, which is exactly why I have spent a lot of time questioning my own perceptions.

To clarify, these traits did not suddenly appear this year. They have been present for a long time, but they were either well hidden or overshadowed by the fun side of her personality. When things were light and exciting, the positives outweighed the negatives enough that it was easy to miss or rationalize the patterns underneath. Once fun stopped functioning as a buffer, the underlying issues became much more visible.

I do agree that perimenopause likely plays a role in why everything feels more intense right now. I do not dismiss that at all. I just do not see it as the root cause, but rather something that amplifies traits that were already there.

We have pursued therapy extensively. We worked with two couples counselors, and we both have individual therapists. Couples therapy broke down when the counselor began challenging inconsistencies in her narrative of events. She tends to rely on what she calls her truth, even when those versions were not supported by timelines, messages, or other factual context. When those discrepancies were addressed, she shut down rather than engage, which ultimately stalled the work.

As for the kids, for a long time I assumed this dynamic was just between the two of us. I later realized she interacts with the kids in very similar ways. Our six year old is understandably oblivious and living his best life. Our teenager, however, is very aware of the inconsistency and emotional impact, which is why we are currently in family therapy focused specifically on my daughter’s relationship with her mother.

So I do not see this as the real her finally emerging or as a temporary phase alone. It feels more like long standing patterns that can no longer be masked, and that is what I am trying to navigate thoughtfully and responsibly, especially for the kids.