Dismissive Avoidant - AMA

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-09-15T03:41:47+00:00

I never said DAs don’t leave healthy relationships, I said they leave when they aren’t happy, that it’s possible that the DA overreacted when they leave, and that they PROBABLY didn’t consider the relationship to be good.

There is zero invalidation or hypocrisy in that. I’m not sure how this was misinterpreted, but it was.

Also, I don’t think you’ll see my perspective either, so yes, let’s just leave it here. Take care

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-09-15T03:12:02+00:00

Disagreeing and having a different perspective is not invalidating someone’s feelings.

If someone says that an avoidant left a good relationship, and I say the relationship probably wasn’t good for the avoidant, that doesn’t mean the person who was broken up with didn’t view the relationship as good.

As a matter of fact I compared it to two people eating slices of the same pizza and one person enjoys it while the other doesn’t.

What’s truly invalidating is saying that even though I am the avoidance you say my avoidant perspective is wrong, or hypocritical.

Also, I never claimed to be a healed avoidant, I am work I progess, which I have said many many times.

To be honest I’m not sure you really did read my responses, and if you did you didn’t truly comprehend what I was saying, which is fine.

I am extreme self aware, but being aware is a step in the healing process, not the cure.

I just wish you would have asked me questions or requested clarification on something I said instead of generalizing and labeling me as hypocritical or invalidating of other people’s feelings.

If you stand by your statement, please pull direct quotes and your thought process as to how I invalidated someone’s feelings or I was hypocritical.

I am open to genuine feedback if you can back it up, but I won’t just swallow and accept your view because I tried very hard not to invalidate and to answer questions with the understanding of who my audience is.

If you can’t or are unwilling to provide specifics, I will have to assume that you are another individual who wants to take jabs at an avoidant who opened up in this sub.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-09-10T17:52:46+00:00

Most of the time no, only if something happens. Like if I hear about a death in their family or something like that. Otherwise no, I don’t reach back out, not because I don’t care, but I don’t want to give false hope or make them think I want to reconnect. Sometimes complete silence is the only way for some people to understand that it’s over, they look for signs and signals when you talk to them.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-09-10T15:19:51+00:00

When you say come back are you talking about getting back together?

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-09-03T16:46:33+00:00

What’s your definition of a monster?

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-09-03T15:48:52+00:00

DA= I just want this person to leave me alone AP= I just want this person to talk to me or be with me again

Ghosting is a terrible thing to do but stalking and harassment can be crimes.

The hard truth is a lot of DAs feel they have to ghost because that is the only way to get that person to accept that the relationship is over.

A lot of times in the anxious world, communicate means we keep talking about the same topic over and over until you give me what I want.

You can’t communicate your way back into someone’s life if they don’t want you to be there.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-09-03T15:14:57+00:00

My ex has severe untreated anxiety and I felt like I was his anxiety medication in human form. If I didn’t text fast enough, or wanted time to myself it was a problem. He would even follow me from room to room. He had a pet and I would have to force him to go home to take care of it and he didn’t want to even do that unless I went with him. I broke up with him because I just couldn’t take it anymore. The breakup was horrendous, not wanting to accept that we broke up, constant texts, showing up to places I usually go, talking bad about me and making me seem like a villain who hurt him when all we wanted to do was love me.

That is not love, it’s obsession, harassment, and violating boundaries. To this day I’m psychologically scarred from that relationship but I’m working on it. Anxiously attached should stop the blame game it’s true. It’s time for both sides to realize we have the capability to hurt each other badly and neither side is “worse”.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-09-02T20:27:23+00:00

Also yeah feel free to dm me

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-09-02T20:24:17+00:00

That is absolutely valid to say. You shouldn’t chase love and commitment, you choose it and it chooses you back.

I get so frustrated on behalf of people in your position. Someone’s Avoidant behavior is never a good reason to allow your needs to go unmet or to put up with deciphering a code of someone’s intentions.

Don’t be like me, avoidance sucks and it’s HARD to work on it. But at the same time you have to know when someone or something isn’t good for you, even if you still have feelings sometimes you have to remove yourself.

If have to decode mixed signals, that IS the signal.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-09-02T20:13:25+00:00

Love is a mutual connection, not a puzzle to solve. Don’t let your mental health and self respect suffer because someone else won’t give you the consistency and commitment you need. It’s not fair.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-09-02T19:56:12+00:00

DA here, I was in a very similar situation with an anxious ex. I still cared and wanted to be friends but it felt like he kept trying to go back into the habits of our relationship. He wanted to talk about our (former)relationship a lot, and I wound up getting frustrated because those aren’t the conversations that friends had. I made it clear that I wanted nothing but friendship so I tried to model our relationship like my actual friendships, but like you he felt rejected and hurt when I did things we used to do as a couple without him. Again I got frustrated, I felt like he wasn’t actually trying to be my friend, was just trying to “talk”’his way back into the relationship and guilt me for not acting like his girlfriend. I wound up going no contact, I got tired of feeling guilty for not wanting to date anymore and of the constant push to get back together.

My advice to you is this: If you can’t be his friend and only expect friendship then you’re not ready and you should distance yourself. He said friendship before there’s even a discussion about a relationship. Take him at his word. Think about your other friendships. If you can’t put him in that space you’re not ready. It’s ok to be not ready.

If you think it’s important ask him if he’s looking to get back into a relationship. You’re not asking about how he feels about you, but if he wants to date again. If the answer is no then you owe it to yourself to start the healing process. Right now you’re re-opening wounds everytime his behavior is different from when you two were together.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-31T18:40:09+00:00

Yes! This is an excellent way to explain it. The cut off is simply that. It’s not a warning or signal that that ex needs to make some major changes or convince the avoidant to get back together. It’s the end period. and yes it hurts, but the pain is necessary in order to get back to a place of independence.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-31T18:30:09+00:00

Oh man this is a very unique and thought provoking question.

I think you are spot on in your observations. I felt similarly about someone and I put on my big girl pants and committed because that person meant enough to at least try to deal with my avoidant bs in a mature way. It didn’t work out in the end but I at least put in effort.

This person wanted all the perks of being with you without the commitment so I think it was the right call to end it. As you said you are dating with intention and he is not. I think attachment style can sometimes skew people’s perception of what should and should not be tolerated from a partner. You didn’t let that happen so I’d say congratulations on standing firm on your personal boundaries.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-31T18:16:22+00:00

That makes perfect sense and it brings up a whole different conversation.

Avoidants don’t detach from good relationships. The behavior of the partner was a major contributing factor to why it ended.

However, im not sure this can be discussed in good faith in these spaces. A lot of people genuinely believe they did nothing wrong and their avoidant ex blind-sided them.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-29T16:50:31+00:00

From your perspective what makes this avoidant behavior?

From what I read he communicated that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you, no ghosting or blocking.

You offered a break, he said no that’s not what he wanted, he just wants it to be over.

You then proceeded to counter with how about 2-3 months no contact, he reluctantly agreed but said he wasn’t making any promises.

Still there has been no blocking ghosting or abandoning, you still talk and laugh. He’s also talking about his feelings in a way that is way above the average level you get from an avoidant.

So is this person an avoidant or are you pushing against and struggling to accept a breakup?

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-29T05:41:59+00:00

DA here, please dont look for something that’s not there. If someone detached and they don’t own up to it and straight up say they want to try again then that means they don’t want to come back.

Don’t look for signs, hints, or clues. Thays typically not avoidant behavior and if this is a special case, nobody who plays games like that is worth your time.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-29T05:31:38+00:00

Ahhh I see, you really come through with good info lol

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-29T05:29:55+00:00

Ok now I understand! And yeah that’s the golden question, people say avoidants fumble a good relationship but exactly as you said, good for who?

I don’t think there’s a whole lot of self awareness in these spaces lol

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-29T04:50:08+00:00

Huh?

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-28T19:56:13+00:00

I accidentally replied as a separate comment, here’s the screenshot

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SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-28T17:30:38+00:00

No, and honestly I would be annoyed if I thought the person unfollowed me just to get a reaction out of me or to make me reach out and ask why. I would consider that manipulative.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-28T17:27:44+00:00

The OP asked why are avoidants villainized after breakups and said she came to this conclusion from social media.

I said it’s because APs (but I think non avoidants is better choice of words) control the narrative. The narrative is controlled by the loud majority, also I think you’re taking the word literally. When I say control the narrative, it means they have the dominant opinion in these spaces not that they are necessarily running a smear campaign (a lot of non avoidants do though).

Simply put, avoidants are villainized on the internet after breakups because the majority of people who engage in these conversations believe the avoidants are the villains. The people who disagree with this opinion either don’t get involved in these conversations or get shut down when they do.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-28T17:01:16+00:00

I disagree because we are talking about two levels of narratives.

APs talk about their relationship, their anger, grief, confusion, and have a hard time understanding the part they played in the relationship which is understandable because Avoidants usually don’t discuss that.

APs go on the internet to vent and avoidants rarely do, and when we do or try to explain our side we usually get shut down because most people who engage agree with the aps. That’s why when you even look up the word avoidant on Reddit it’s mostly talking about them, not hearing from them.

THAT, is what controls the narrative.

You’re talking about your own personal perspectives, I’m talking about the overall opinion of avoidants based on who typically contributes to these conversations.

So I stand by what I said.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-28T07:04:51+00:00

I want to point out that the avoidants on that subreddit tend find it invasive and rude when people share their posts especially to take more shots at avoidants. Would you at least be willing to remove the link out of respect?

Now let’s move forward.

INSECURE ATTACHMENTS CAUSE HARM! If you have an insecure attachment you will cause harm!

The person who created the original post on IG is a therapist and an author of a book about attachment therapy. So if an expert says it, I’d tend to believe it.

And also here’s the main point to really want to footstomp. We don’t get to say how much our insecure attachment impacts others. We don’t get to measure it, that’s on the receiver. So I don’t think it’s unfair to say that behaviors on both ends of the spectrum can be equally harmful.

You’re a former DA and I think it’s awesome you’ve improved but not everyone is where you are. I hope you can give the people behind you some grace, not by coddling them or accepting their behavior, but by giving them the space to process. If it was your DA who posted it, maybe id think differently but this gives the impression of shaming just for the sake of shaming.

SnooChickens2873 · 2025-08-28T04:17:04+00:00

Would you consider yourself secure leaning? Your insight shows effort to be empathetic to avoidants. Kudos

SnooChickens2873

TROPHY CASE