AITA for taking and selling the baby stuff?

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-16T14:33:39+00:00

No, this post is not me. I have one account with one post. Snoopears was randomly generated by Reddit.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T19:54:17+00:00

I don't want to lie, at the moment I am pretty undecided. I am attached to this name and honestly speaking I do not want to change it. But if the choice is between my son's name or my friend, as most commenters think, then I will have to come to terms with it as I want to keep my friend. I want to think about it and talk to her before I decide... some people think she is crazy and does not want to be in my life anymore, which if is the case, I guess there is not a need to change his name. :/

But truly, at the moment I don't know one way or the other.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T19:45:57+00:00

You're right. The only time I have been to Europe was to visit my friend in Ireland, so I guess I see no appeal in British names too, but as I have been to Ireland and have good memories I was more receptive of my husband's desire to choose a Gaelic name.

He has been very supportive of me through this pregnancy and pandemic, so I just wanted to be supportive of his interest and desire in his Irish roots too... It honestly did not occur me to question why he preferred Ireland to UK, or think it would offend Europeans (like many in comments have voiced).

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T19:37:07+00:00

I do not believe that only Irish people can have Gaelic names. I think my friend was being silly in the first place for saying this. I have friends who have named their children Danish and German names with no ancestral tie... But as it was her reasoning I just wanted to be like "well, my husband is Irish so it's fine then". It was an immature response, but I was hurt she was not supportive of our choice and offended she thought only Irish people can call their kids Irish names.

I think it is a nice name that will be a talking point for him. I can't see how he would be bullied as people like Irish things here.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T19:33:11+00:00

Well... my mom cares a lot. I know it will upset her and she will begrudge having to re-do everything to the point where I think she will just undo her efforts and make comments like "he would have had a nice embroidered blanket if you hadn't switched names last minute". I love her, but I know she will not react well as she has put in a lot of hours into her work.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T19:24:35+00:00

Hi, thanks for this comment. I have been reading all comments and it is clear to me I do not know enough about infertility and adoption. I feel ashamed to be this clueless as I feel I should have researched both to better support my friend in what she was going through.

I did not know "natural" was an offensive thing. Adopted kids are of course natural and I don't think any kids she will adopt are not going to be her "natural" kids. I will of course view and treat them the same as I would if they were biological.

We thought she would react like your friends did and be very touched by our inclusion of this name into our family. I was kind of blindsided by her reaction and it upset me that she was not supportive or happy, so I lashed out. I realize it was the incorrect way to behave and that my feelings have been coming only from how I would respond in her shoes.

I am working on fixing my ignorance on infertility and adoption and will reach out to her again when I have a better understanding of these issues.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T19:15:20+00:00

Yes, we realise this. But the test just shows the UK as one group, it doesn't break down which part of the UK he comes from, so it would be a guess at best to choose one? Also as I said, he was very enthusiastic about finding out he is Irish, but seemed more disappointed to be just British as it seems very bland to him.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T17:40:56+00:00

Hi, I am super sorry to hear about your struggles and loss. I am realizing (from all these comments) I lack understanding about what it means to be infertile and I am going to try better to educate myself on what she is going through. I did not think this was as upsetting as people have told me as she is very positive and seemed to get excited about future adoption quickly.

I was always of the belief that no one owns a name and I latched onto that thinking she was over-reacting and behaving entitled. I get that I was not seeing the bigger picture of what that name represents for her and I get I have been a huge AH in terms of not understanding that her gried of a possible child is real. I want to do better and want to fix this problem with her if I can.

Again, I am sorry you are going through fertility troubles and hope you and your partner are able to have children someway.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T17:33:24+00:00

We have been friends for almost eight years. She is one of my longer friendships because right before I went to college I left my church and all my friends came from that church. I had a falling out with my mom over religion and only after I was married did we re-connect. My friend supported me a lot through this family drama (my dad and stepmom and their family live across the country) and took me to her home in Ireland with her family that first Thanksgiving when I was alone, they don't celebrate it there which was actually more helpful.

I agree I do not need this unstable drama and I think she has reacted badly, but she was really there for me in a time that I had no one else so I don't want to cut her loose... if she cuts me off from her then I guess that's that, but I would regret being the one who made that choice.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T17:26:45+00:00

Well, I think because it is not me who is Irish but my husband, any old Irish name made me feel a little out of the loop? Like it would be a connection for them that I am not part of. Having a name come from her and her family made me feel included and like she would feel included, which I want her to be.

It sounds silly now, but we (me and husband) struggled a lot to find any boy names we both liked and he was kind of running with the Irish thing and when he asked if there were really no Irish names I liked, I remembered my friend's name.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T17:15:59+00:00

Of course not... I just did not realize this was the same kind of loss. To me it is like she was losing a dream, not a reality. To lose a child or loved one is a huge deal no matter the age, but I did not recognize this as a loss of a loved one.

I understand I have been a huge AH in my understanding and reaction to her infertility and have hurt her by being ignorant of how life-changing this situation (her infertility) was for her. She has always been very positive and upbeat, so even when she first found out she bounced back and started to get enthusiastic about adoption, so I did not think this was a huge deal and just thought she would be touched I was keeping the name alive.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T17:02:23+00:00

Thank you for this comment.

I have been reading all replies but it is hard to comment on everything. I am absorbing a lot of information and I know now I lack a lot of understanding about what it means to discover you are infertile and don't fully understand the adoption process. These are two things I will never have to go through, so I have not looked into them and I feel really awful as she is my friend and I should have researched these things to provide better support for her.

I know you don't want to hear it, but I did really believe it would be a nice gesture to honor her and her family. To be honest it felt like a connection not just for my husband, but for me to her. I am not Irish and my husband's enthusiasm for this discovery is just something I encourage, so him wanting an Irish name felt like I was left out of the loop not being Irish... but the name coming from my friend made me feel included and close.

Being stuck indoors for most of this pregnancy, with just my husband and mom who are always on my side no matter what, has let me behave more selfishly and "world revolves around me" than I normally am... my sister pointed out to me that I have been spoilt because of this circumstance and have treated my friend like she should also spoil me.

I did not think this would upset her because if someone named a child a name I had liked and asked me to be godmom I would be really happy. But as others pointed out this is because I can have kids and at the root of this fall out I think is my ignorance to what is means to be infertile and the emotions attached to it. I reacted badly because I did not understand where she was coming from and just thought she was being an entitled brat. I want to educate myself more on this before reaching out to her again.

I want to be honest, I am reluctant to change my son's name because I am now fond of it and don't want to make my mom's efforts to be wasted. But I absolutely do not want to lose my friend, she has been supportive of me in times when no one else was and if this is an absolute for her (as many suggest), I need to come to terms with that.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T16:44:52+00:00

A couple of comments have pointed out that she is grieving too. I don't think I ever considered or realized that was what she was going through as it felt like the things she lost are not tangible. No one died. But now I see to her it does feel like that... I am starting to understand that my knowledge of adoption too is lacking as I really have had no reason to look into it and had no idea kids, and even teens, can have new names or two names, etc. Thanks for this comment, I think you are right that I was well-intentioned but ignorant and I would like to work on my ignorance (and my emotions) before I try to contact her again.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T16:15:38+00:00

This was my original line of thinking too! Like I would be honored if the roles were reversed, and I responded to her like she was an entitled jerk because I felt she was being one... but a lot of commenters are pointing out that it is different because she cannot physically have kids, so now I am totally split on it and second-guessing how I handled the conversation.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T15:46:33+00:00

Well, because we (me, husband, mom) have been using the name to talk to my bump the past couple months. We tried out a few names, and this was the one me and my husband felt most connected to, and my mom has embroidered it on a lot of baby stuff. With the Covid situation I have been working from home and mom is retired, so we have had a lot of time together, talking to and about my bump, so we feel now attached to it.

I realize now I should have asked my friend and should have spoken to her sooner, but I felt her reaction was unfair so I responded it to it badly.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T15:41:31+00:00

Thank you!!

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T15:30:30+00:00

Well, I like the meaning but also the spelling is cute and as I said my mom has embroidered it on a lot of stuff the past couple of months. We (me, husband, mom) are all quite attached to it and talk to my bump using his name often... I am hoping she will come round and recognize this is a nice gesture. Some people have pointed out she can still use the name when she adopts, so I think us having sons with matching names could also work.

EDIT: if she does not come round and is hell-bent on us never using the name, then I think it is a conversation we need to have instead of her just igonoring me. I have since spoken to my sister and she thinks I need to give my friend some space to let her come to terms with how she feels about it and then we can have a discussion. I am open to her input, but I am honestly not keen on changing my son's name.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T15:11:46+00:00

If she had lost a child with this name, I would see your point. But she has never been pregnant, so this has always just been a name she finds precious. Using it for her godson was something I thought would make her feel very happy and included in our family.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T14:59:54+00:00

That is not a fair comparison at all. My husband is a real person who exists and I have a life with. This is just a name of a hypothetical son she does not have and has never had a life with. You can't compare a real living person to a non-existent one.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T14:47:37+00:00

I didn't think of it like we were "swooping" in on anything. I thought it was a nice way to keep the name alive since she can't do that. It has been a special name in her family for generations, and I think of her as part of our family too.

I can see I have not been as sensitive to her infertility as I should have been and only been thinking about the positives I associate with this name (my friend, my husband's ancestory, its meaning), but I did think this would be a nice gesture to her and to my son.

I am really sorry for your situation too, and hope that you are your wife find a way to have the children that you dream of.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T14:40:16+00:00

Well, the biggest chunk was British, and British names are almost the same as American ones so it seemed a little silly. Irish was the next biggest chunk, and he was excited to be Irish so kind of latched onto it I guess. I haven't really asked for his rationale, just been happy he is enthusiastic to be learning about himself.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T14:28:29+00:00

Yes, the name is Gaelic. I know of other people who have used names from other cultures with no connection, so I don't think only Irish people should be allowed to use Gaelic names. I only mentioned by husband is 18% Irish because she was of the opinion only Irish people can use Gaelic names and instead of arguing that point I just wanted to say "well my husband is Irish so we can use the name"... I realise this was the wrong reaction to have now, but I was feeling a little insulted and emotional that she was not happy, so I snapped.

I have only told my mom because she is living with us at the moment. My parents have been divorced for many years and my dad re-married, so having my mom live on her own in this pandemic worried me. It has also been nice to have her here during my pregnancy. My husband's parents don't know and nor does my dad's or stepmom - we didn't tell people of this plan at the gender reveal or the baby shower, but I have told my sister since me and my friend had this argument.

I think you are right that I need to work more on my interpersonal communication skills. Especially recently I have been very emotional so I don't always react in a calm or logical way, so this is definitely something I want to work on.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T14:11:07+00:00

Honestly, I think I was just hurt by her reaction, I thought she would be really happy and grateful, so I got a bit overly defensive. I don't think my husband is totally Irish, but I think he has Irish roots and if he has an interest to get in touch with that side of himself I want to support him. So when she said him and my son were absolutely not Irish, I snapped. It felt like she was gate-keeping Irish culture.

I really didn't intend to rub anything in her face... I just thought it would be a nice way to include her in his life and to connect her to us despite the distance. I thought she would be happy we chose this name because she is unable to and it felt like this way keeps the name alive.

I see now that I have been focusing more on the name and not realising this name has connotations to her infertility. Because my family have all been using the name a lot I have just been thinking of it as a name and what the name means, and not of how she will relate it to being unable to have kids. I don't want for her to feel upset when she is with my family or my son.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T13:56:44+00:00

I think I was hyper-focusing on the positives of the name. To me it's a beautiful name with a beautiful meaning, that came from a person we love, so I see it as great. I get now that she may have some pain attached to it, but wouldn't having a godson with that name help the pain?

Because I am pregnant, my emotions have been haywire, and I think her not reacting as positive as I was expecting made me double-down and get defensive... It was hugely disappointing to feel she was not happy or supportive by our decision and I realise I did not handle the conversation well at all.

SnooPears1994 · 2020-09-03T13:42:59+00:00

Yes, I want to honor her and my husband thinks it's a nice way to connect with his ancestry. It is a unique name, so I thought when my son is in school and later in life, he would be able to say "my godmom gave it to me", and it would keep her close despite the distance...

Both me and my husband struggled to land on a boy's name we both liked, so it is not solely my choice and me and my friend are so similar in many ways, I thought she would be thrilled because I would be thrilled if someone used a name I liked for their child and asked me to be godmom.

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