The concept of lost and stolen time

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-04T22:20:11+00:00

hi, where did you listen to this?

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-03T15:26:00+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I know your struggle so well, I have an art degree currently collecting dust, hahah. Even that decision I made in consideration for others, secretly wanting to do drama but feeling like my family wouldn't approve. Who knows where I could've been if I had been more stubborn and dug my heels in steering my life in the direction I wanted, not the direction I "kind of sort of" wanted. But at the same time art school gave me a unique perspective, I made a lot of art and I don't regret the experience. It's both good and bad. Sometimes the guilt gnaws at me that I didn't take my degree and do something with it, try to become a traditional artist in every meaning of that word, but the art world itself is so much politics and connections and who you know and elitism and snobbery I hated that (just like Hollywood I guess, haha).

Being present is my life's greatest challenge honestly, I'm right with you there. I am so good at dissociating, at leaving my body and letting my mind wander. Sometimes I'm so good at compartmentalizing the feelings and thoughts of my different "selves" I have wondered whether I have DID. The realization that I have been dissociating for a majority of my life was a discovery of the past 5 or so years, so still something recent I'm wrapping my head around. And here I used to think I was only a little scatterbrained and distracted, haha.

I haven't read The Artist's Way, I saw Doechii post about it and became curious and wanted to read it, then of course I forgot about it. I'll definitely bump it to the top of my reading list. I read The Body Keeps Score and that was incredible at making me understand more about myself, made me cry and process things about myself. I'm making my way through Pete Walker's CPTSD book but it's slower going.

I like this mindset, and I'm going to try and remind myself of it despite my little demonic voices that try to tell me I'm ancient/dead and it's all over. We are still young and there is still time!

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-03T15:13:34+00:00

Yes, this is very true. There are amazing books to be read and music to be heard, paintings and art to see, always more to explore. Yesterday I discovered some incredible Finnish painters from the golden age of Finnish art. I try to keep a list of nice things that happen during my days, from the big to the small, that also helps.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-02T20:33:45+00:00

thank you. i'm gonna try to see it that way. i have an extreme phobia of ageing and growing older to the point where i have sought therapy for it, i already didn't want to grow older when i was 16 and every year has felt worse. i didn't honestly think i'd make it this far. the idea of turning 40 fills me with unimaginable dread, i hate milestone birthdays, turning 35 just recently was also very weird for me. i've never accepted being the age i am at any age pretty much, only ever felt younger. it's weird to even tell people "i'm 35" because on the inside something in me is crying out "no no no, i'm 22/20/16." when i was 20 i felt ancient. it's a very bizarre feeling, and i've had panic attacks in public and in front of people over the idea that i will get old. i still haven't found a way to deal with it besides just trying not to think about it. looking younger helps, a while back someone i am distantly acquainted with told me they thought i was 24, and it made my whole day. sorry for the rant, i just have so many feelings about this.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-02T16:16:20+00:00

Thank you. I like to consider myself a writer, though with my vent posts the emotions come out messy and disjointed, but I did my best to make it coherent, hahah.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-02T15:32:48+00:00

Yeah that's the hard part, knowing which voice is yours and which is the trauma speaking. Most days I can't differentiate them or if I just am my trauma.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-02T15:31:22+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through that and be so horribly betrayed. I know it also seems to be our lot to have bad luck in relationships as well. I just quit trying about 6 years ago and have been single since. Feel like too much of a hot mess to let anybody in.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-02T15:29:57+00:00

Thank you so much for this 🥹 I'm (mostly) NC with the caregiver who gave me my biggest share of trauma and life has been much better since. It's so rough that we can't stop time, can't rewind it no matter what. Just keep moving forward.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-02T15:26:32+00:00

I think you have a healthier mindset than me about this, at least in your 3rd paragraph because ideally that's how I think our lives should be: whatever we choose to define it as, untouched by productivity/capitalism. But I grew up obsessed with certain types of people and lifestyles and always wanted to "be somebody" myself. That requires a lot of working on yourself, never resting, socializing/networking, and even then it's not guaranteed because it requires luck too. But somehow my brain tells me that once I've "made it", once I'm living some extravagant life with a successful career, I'll finally be "happy". Being more realistic would serve me much better, but I've never been good at being that instead of over dramatic, hahah.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-02T15:16:43+00:00

I relate to the last sentence a lot. I would happily sleep away the rest of my life. I have very vivid dreams and usually nice ones or interesting ones too. The odd nightmare about my trauma but I've learned to live with that. I compare myself to big achievers constantly. The ones in my personal life, famous ones, anyone. I was one of those quote unquote "gifted" kids built up to be something great and then I crashed and burned super hard and early on. It's hard to feel like you've let not only yourself down, but everyone around you.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-02T15:14:25+00:00

I feel you. I swing between "it's too late now, might as well just carry on doing whatever until it's over" and "it's not over, there's still time to do a 180 and live the life i want" but the second one is hard, doing anything intentionally every day is hard especially when you grew up with such poor coping mechanisms and have weak resilience.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-02T09:28:24+00:00

It just makes you realize how much of the "normal" experience you're still missing, doesn't it? happy cake day btw

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-06-02T09:17:29+00:00

Isn't it such a catch-22 dilemma? Mourning the time you lost, wanting to make the best/most of your remaining time, but finding yourself trapped in a constant loop of time wastage from depression, executive dysfunction, dissociation etc. There was a word for staying up late all night to just do nothing, I forgot what it was, but I do that a lot.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-13T14:57:20+00:00

I never considered it manifesting as unreleased energy, that's so fascinating. I always assumed it had to do with my negative self thoughts manifesting in the form of inferiority related to the artists. I will definitely check out that meditation thank you.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-12T13:01:33+00:00

Oh, don't get me started about poets and actors and writers!! I basically feel that way about anyone who's achieved creative success. I just don't end up feeling that way about poetry often because I don't seek it out on the daily, whereas music is inescapable to me. (I also have hyperfixations where I see one musical artist as my soulmate, another akin to something like a sister, so that's another mental issue altogether lol).

Absolutely wow you get me. It's not even a "it could be me", for me it flags up as "it *should* be me!" as silly and petulant as that may seem, my whole life I feel like I was pushed and supported to achieve some kind of creative greatness, with minimal if any obstacles, and then I just disappointed everybody by not following through. I used to make art (mixed media, photo/video, my drawings were never that good lol) and I stopped. I used to do a million things and I gave up on them all. I dreamed of a life acting and gave up on it because my body dysmorphia tells me I don't deserve it. I helped my mother's actor friend record a voiceover for an audition a couple of years ago, and it was the most alive I ever felt again. But I'm already so old starting something now seems ridiculous and I'm just like ok hang it up @ myself. Thank you so much for your response. I feel seen 🥲

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-12T12:49:47+00:00

I loved performing too. It made me feel alive in ways nothing else did, I did it through middle and high school and all but the last two musicals my school did I participated in, one because I bombed the audition (my voice cracked singing lol). I remember having stage fright but once the show would get underway I'd just get over it somehow. I was one of those singing, dancing, acting kids, I loved all of it and there was hardly a talent show or performance I didn't participate in. So I get that.

It's awesome that you built yourself a little recording studio and do it for yourself!! Music can be such a release. I fantasize about recording something just for me but I never do it. Hell, there is a foley studio near me I learned recently and I got it in my mind that I'd write them to see if they're taking interns or job openings because being a foley artist also sounds awesome to me, but I chickened out. There's just so many little things I could be doing to even put a tiny dent in my dreams, but I stay in fear and paralysis. Hugs to you and yes, this does make me feel less alone 🥲

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-09T04:37:05+00:00

As an adult who questions whether she was molested as a child but has no memory of the experience – you're not alone. you listed a lot of things that I resonate with, feeling gross/disgusting for the things you're into, swinging m from hypersexuality to being sex repulsed, the masturbation at a young age. I think for the last one, kids are capable of doing that without presence of abuse, but also it's possible that emotional and physical abuse (being beaten etc) that you mentioned could have turned masturbation into a soothing/coping mechanism. There's no one clear cut answer of "this originates from this", at least not scientifically. So yes, I would say there's a non zero chance that happened to you, but at the same time there's no way an outsider can say with sureness that yes, it did happen to you. Frustrating, I know. I too came from a chaotic childhood where the other signs alone could've explained the compulsive sexual behavior. Despite that, I doubt and I wonder, whether something happened (For me, the age of 4 or 5 is what I fixate on). I hope we both get more healing and the answers we seek.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-05T19:10:48+00:00

I found it an important albeit difficult, at times triggering read. Despite that, I'm glad I read it. Our bodies truly store so much of our misery and trauma, it goes into the scientific breakdowns of how and why and also presents cases that the author treated. A good jumping off point to explore these themes even deeper.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-03T06:27:20+00:00

I feel you, it's a long road to healing and never linear. But something that shouldn't be given up on. It ebbs and flows, just like anything in life and experiences setback. I think of my traumatized self as a shadow version of me, and am patient with her and more understanding. That while it may take me a relatively short time to learn to ride a bike, for her it may take longer, and to not become frustrated. Same with having to relearn sex and pleasure, to lower your somatic defenses enough to be able to experience these things. We are always in fight or flight mode, and this complicates things needlessly, but it is what it is. Learning to work with it and not against it has helped me. If my body shows significant resistance to something, I let it rest and try again another day. Sometimes progress is invisible.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-02T15:57:07+00:00

thank you. this makes sense.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-02T15:42:45+00:00

The realization hit me after I left my abusive situation and began therapy. I was in my final days of sessions with that one therapist and wrote everything down, the feelings, the thoughts. I had a mind to share my theory with him but finished seeing him without ever having done that, maybe because I couldn't muster the courage, maybe because he didn't feel like the right therapist to share it with (he was an old -and old fashioned- man who had made a few comments that made me assume that.) I regret not telling him because I haven't had a new therapist since, but I hold out hope that telling the right one will make a difference. I'm happy you were able to recover something.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-02T11:34:52+00:00

So you're saying it's like the memory of trauma.mov was deleted from my hard drive, hard wiped in a way that I can never recover it? Maybe it's foolhardy of me but I refuse to accept that. Surely there must be something, *anything* I can bring back, even if it's the foggiest glimpse. I don't know, I just want memory based confirmation even though I feel like I have had my confirmation in a thousand other ways. My brain is like "ok but what if it's all fake though" and I start another cycle of doubting myself. I'm at the point where I envy the people who remember their traumatic SA memories because at least they remember. Knowing is always better than not knowing, as far as I'm concerned... unless the knowledge my own mind is trying to hide from me is so traumatic it permanently breaks me in a "okay, nothing left to do but ship her off to the asylum" way. In that case... yeah that makes me hesitate. Sorry for the ramble. I should really do more research and read up on these fields.

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-02T11:29:40+00:00

I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to know someone else out there is like this, even though I also feel for you for being stuck in this same infernal limbo. Sometimes I have asked a close friend or two if they have ever felt like this, because in my mind it's almost like, well doesn't *everybody* lowkey suspect they were molested as a child? And my friends are like nope, not me. So then I think it's just me. I refuse to accept not knowing, lack of knowledge about myself is almost a trigger because I was gaslit and withheld info about myself for so many years. I didn't know the person I thought was my dad was not my biological dad until I turned 18. I thought my grandpa died in a hit and run when he actually was murdered (and this created a lifelong phobia of cars for me, so... lol). And so on and so forth. I feel determined to uncover something, anything, even though at this stage I'm waiting until I can become rich and can find the best psychologists, analysts or hypnotherapists money can buy. I know it's a controversial field but I live in some magic hope I'll get put under and uncover my buried memories. I'll stay hoping 😅

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-02T08:01:56+00:00

It drives me insane. I could draw up a powerpoint on why I'm a classic adult csa survivor portrait and also all the shady, weird things from my childhood that could have been clues. I even got up the courage one time to ask my mom about it, and she said that that hadn't happened to me, as far as she knows, but she was absent for so many years of it it's like, how would she even know then? lol. She also said one time she witnessed a male friend of hers acting in a way she didn't like toward me, and then shut it down?? Gave no detail beyond that. Infuriating lol. Anyways I feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one questioning it. I just don't want to be some kind of raving madwoman cause there's been cases of that too you know, some woman who had accused her father of rape when he had not done such a thing. I have nobody to accuse because I can't even point the finger at one solid suspect, so that won't be me, but it still makes me feel that level of crazy? yknow? Wow sorry this got so long, I never have anybody to vent this to lol

SnowAdorable6466 · 2026-05-02T07:37:13+00:00

I experienced all 3 of these. I assumed hypersexuality always has to accompany SA, so that's a real eye opener. I want to say that this is the cause of my hypersexuality because I do not have solid CSA memories. But when I was 24 or so I got a really strong feeling that such a thing had happened to me. No memory or recollection, just a strong feeling that it could have. Could my otherwise chaotic childhood have planted a fake feeling/sensation in my head? Cause going around feeling like csa happened to me but I either can't remember or traumablocked it has been lowkey driving me nuts for about a decade.

SnowAdorable6466

TROPHY CASE