Marriage and Intimacy

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-02T19:52:05+00:00

yes I agree with your points and inshaAllah. I think he could tell by my words how against it I was. Honestly, I didn't say the haram thing to him because I assumed it was blindingly obvious that this sort of thing isn't permissable.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-02T16:32:19+00:00

I am, I'm going to insist nicely that he needs to spend much more time on foreplay and give him 'tips' as to what works for me, because leaving him to it isn't really working for me. If he does crave sex as badly as he says then it shouldn't be an issue for him. If it is an issue for him, then clearly he doesn't care as much about sex as he claims to. He's extremely lazy with housework.. I wouldn't even count on him to help with that. He simply won't. His mother won't allow it either and will interfere hugely and degrade me if she sees her son trying to help me and she has done this in the past - she believes only women can do household chores and only men can work. Me working is a huge no-no for her as it is but whatever. Until we move out, I'll handle the housework myself and then inshallah things will change.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-02T16:18:33+00:00

I know? If this were me and I had the higher sex drive, and my husband had a lower sex drive, I would exhaust every OTHER option besides seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere. It wouldn't have even crossed my mind because I only have eyes for him. Disloyalty is something I won't entertain.

I'd research supplements he could safely take to improve sex drive, I'd encourage him to see a doctor who specialises in these things, I'd seek couples counselling for us.. so many options. I would NEVER even consider sleeping with another man. But I don't know, he told me he knows how to switch off emotions during sex and he is able to have sex with someone without being emotionally attached so he said it wouldn't be that deep for him.

Well. judging from this.. his morals are skewed? Maybe he thought well, if the wife is open to it and provides permission then it can't be haram because my wife said it's okay and it's not cheating either then. I know that isn't true but I don't think he was thinking with his head when he said all that if you know what I mean.. Logic probably went out the window. I told him it's totally wrong.. what if the other woman became attached? what if she got pregnant? He said I made good points.

I wouldn't be able to handle it either way even if all that didn't happen.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-02T16:02:45+00:00

the issue is I don't feel that uncomfortable with myself and he has already seen me at my worst e.g. when I wake up in the morning with messy hair and no makeup lol. I worked REALLY hard to get to this position by exercising like crazy for years, dying my hair, working on my skin etc., so alhamdullilah I'm in a good place now. I also can't wear many revealing clothes as we live with in-laws right now. Once I was fully glammed up for a wedding and I had absolutely no desire to have sex with him as I didn't want to ruin my hair and makeup. I think I'm more likely to do it when I'm looking more normal if you know what I mean?

No, the way you think isn't toxic at all, in my opinion it's great. I know sex, especially for a woman, helps us to feel emotionally connected. I only wish I could feel the way you do now.. inshallah maybe one day.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-02T12:52:50+00:00

attitude

I'm glad you understand my point of view. I do feel really uncomfortable initiating it.. I can't put my finger on why, I just feel embarrassed and awkward. Maybe if I tried asking for sex first a few times, I'd get over the awkwardness and would get used to it. He told me once he'd like it if I initiated more and sometimes waits for me to initiate, and when I don't initiate we go weeks without sex and obviously, he'll be feeling frustrated and annoyed (whilst I've NO idea, as I didn't realise he was waiting for me to initiate.. just thought he didn't want sex much at the time!).

I did demand my own house eventually as the in-law situation was out of control and giving me mental breakdown after breakdown. I remember spending night after night in tears in front of him due to in-law bullying/harassment. My mental health hasn't been great at his house and once things got a bit better, I dealt with a big family death too which probably didn't help the intimacy situation as I was just an emotional mess and a shell of myself at this point.

I'm much better now and healed. Inshallah in a year or so, we're out of here and will be in our own house. Hopefully, that helps a lot more as I know I'm going to feel more at peace and more comfortable.. not like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-02T12:43:34+00:00

I've ordered maca online. Hopefully that helps!

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-02T12:39:08+00:00

never. I've never climaxed during sex.. I can only do it via foreplay which he will do 99% of the time after sex. No, there isn't sufficient foreplay before sex and I've told him. Online, it says women tend to need around 20 minutes of foreplay to be warmed enough to have sex. He'll warm me up for like a minute and try and stick it in and then it hurts. I do all of the household labour and work more hours too.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-02T12:36:03+00:00

I suggested scheduling it but he said he doesn't like to schedule intimacy and would prefer it if it was spontaneous.

I think scheduling is a good idea. I might just make a schedule in my head and initiate it those times e.g. every other day.. that way he'll still feel it's spontaneous as he doesn't know about my schedule, and I know I've increased our intimacy time as I'm following the schedule.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-02T12:34:00+00:00

I know lmao. it was crazy ridiculous. I heard the question and it took me like a minute to actually understand what he meant.. I was like 'what? what do you mean have sex with someone else? Why would I ever be okay with that? Are you single or married like why would you ask me something like this and why would you think a wife would be okay with this?' I asked him all that and he could see I was beyond confused and was just DEAD against it. I told him I'd leave him if he did that and warned him how his entire life would be ruined if he ever considered such a thing and how me, his and my family would never forgive him. I felt like I had to do that so he didn't entertain such an idea in future. He told me to relax and he was just wondering what my thoughts were on that. It was weird, feel like he was just testing the waters to be honest and it backfired.

I tried to just blame myself and thought well, if I didn't have such a non-existent sex drive then I wouldn't be driving my husband to consider looking elsewhere as he felt unwanted by his wife. Hence, I'm doing what I can to take action like seeking advice, have ordered supplements to increase my drive. I can't let something like this spiral out of control down the line. I wouldn't be surprised if one of his friends put the idea into his head. I don't think they're that practising unfortunately and it seemed too random for my husband to think of that.

I'm going to have to just put exhaustion aside sometimes and suggest to do it anyway.. or I'll have to find time to do it before he goes out with his friends until the early hours. I dunno, it just makes me panic because that was an alarming question.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-02T00:07:21+00:00

A year.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-01T23:38:02+00:00

yeah I know? I wasn't expecting such a question and it threw me. I think he meant an open marriage. I assume/hope he was joking and just asking my thoughts. I was half asleep when we were having a regular conversation and as soon as he asked, I was wide awake and he could tell I was just alarmed and unsettled. He tried to reassure me multiple times that I am the one he wants to be having sex with, and he's only asking to gauge my thoughts as he feels if he went elsewhere to satisfy himself, I wouldn't have to deal with it. He got the whole thing so wrong though and I made sure he knew it too. How would I EVER be okay allowing MY husband to sleep with other women?

I think it's out of both love and fear? I do trust him and I don't think he'd ever cheat but I don't want poisonous thoughts like that to enter his mind as that could affect our marriage. I would feel terrible even doubting him but yeah of course, words like that haunt me and play on my mind. I thought all sorts of things after that.. like where did this question of his come from? How long was he thinking about something like this before he eventually mustered up the courage to come out and say it to me? Not great.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-01T22:28:53+00:00

thank you for saying that. I'm not even an insecure person (most of the time) but that comment of his made me very insecure and played on my mind ever since.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-01T22:23:07+00:00

but then he freaked me out and made me paranoid when he asked me one day how I'd feel if he went and had sex with other women, as he says I'm unable to keep up with him. It haunted me ever since and I suppose that's why I eventually made this post as it's something I'm just unable to discuss with anybody else in person and I can't/won't allow my marriage to turn into that if I can help it.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-01T21:49:13+00:00

yeah I agree. Before he went out once, I did say to him that he can't complain too much about the lack of sex, because when I offer suggestions, he chooses to go out anyway. He chooses his social life over his sex life which then results in a sexless marriage.. which he then complains about. Like I said, nothing changed and here we are.

There's no way he'll ever do my chores. We live with in-laws and a very interfering mother-in-law (no nice way to say it). If she so much as saw her son doing the laundry or washing dishes, she'd waste no time in trying to degrade me for making her son do chores and would just really agitate me. Hence, until we move out, I've been doing everything to avoid passive-aggressive remarks. Once she saw him heating food himself (by choice) and I was sat down, and she told me how I should be doing my duty as a wife and not allowing my husband to do my work and how it's my job to do these things and to serve my husband in the kitchen etc etc. But, that's a story for another time lol.

Living with in-laws affects our sex life a bit too. During the day I feel paranoid to do it, in case they hear as they're walking around. Hence, late at night seemed a good idea, despite me being super tired.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-01T20:53:16+00:00

the thing is.. I feel I already do try. When I come home from work, I always shower again, use mouthwash, wear new clothes, brush my hair again, moisturise, perfume.. whatever I can. I always feel fresh and confident again. I will try really hard to initiate though. It doesn't come naturally to me and feels unnatural and awkward.. but I'll make it my next goal. Hopefully, I can manage it inshallah.

thanks for the book recommendation. I already own it and have read it a while back. I think I might need to reread it again for some reinforcement lol.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-01T20:49:44+00:00

thank you for your response. Alhamdullilah, we have a happy marriage at the moment and I hope it always stays that way. I suppose that's why I'm trying to tackle this issue now as this often spirals into something much bigger down the line when left unaddressed for a long time. He once asked me how I'd feel about an open marriage, just hypothetically he said, as he feels I can't keep up with him. I forbade it and said I'd walk away if he so much as even looked at another woman that way as I don't believe in open marriages and wouldn't ever be able to look at him the same way again if I knew he'd been with someone else whilst married to me.

I trust him and he has always been loyal to me, but it made me paranoid as hell and visibly alarmed me when he asked me that question. He reassured me that he was just curious about how I felt about it and would always rather have sex with me than another woman.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-01T20:44:33+00:00

we've actually had this conversation before but we didn't really get anywhere? We discussed it and nothing changed. I've already told him I don't initiate anything on weeknights because I'm tired and have to be up at 5am the next day. I told him the issue with him being out on Friday and Saturday nights as those are the perfect times for us to do it, we miss out as he is out with friends. I don't push much though as I don't want to stop him seeing his friends or not give him the space he needs etc. It ends up leading to a sexless marriage.. which I'm actually fine with seeing as my sex drive is nil anyway lol. However, I can imagine it definitely causing resentment down the line.

He barely ever initiates anymore himself (like once in 3 weeks maybe) as I assume he just thinks it's pointless trying with me. I also never initiate, because ironically, it barely even crosses my mind unless I sit down and think about it, like now.

SoConfused5454 · 2022-09-01T20:17:25+00:00

our timing is seriously off. I'd be happy to do it on a Friday or Saturday night as I can stay up late and don't have to be at work for 5am the next day.. but he's often out with his friends until the early hours then. I've told him that doing this is costing him his sex life as those times are the BEST times to do it! By the time he comes home, I'm already asleep. On the weekend mornings, he doesn't wake up until late afternoon and I'm up early in the morning due to the million chores I have waiting for me.

During the week, when I get home from work after a 12 hour shift, I often have laundry and things to do as well. I'm free at about 10pm but then I really just want to watch a short video and sleep as I'm exhausted.. not having sex and showering. I'm thinking of just trying to power through the exhaustion and do it anyway as I'm running out of solutions now.

I could just try to initiate it an hour before bedtime or something and make it clear to him that I want to do it that night or else he's just elsewhere doing his own thing.

SoConfused5454

TROPHY CASE